V-Card Diaries: Alisha “We broke up on numerous occasions to keep ourselves from sin yet ached for each other”

Today we’re highlighting Alisha from Utah who was taught that virginity was key to her salvation. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.

A little about myself:

I am a 22-year-old female, now married and not religious although my husband is still Christian. I was raised Mormon in Utah and therefore taught that my virginity was almost essential to my salvation.

How I define virginity:

The naive state where you are expected to simultaneously avoid things that are sexual yet also not know anything about sex in the first place.

Here’s my story:

My boyfriend and I were both virgins and fighting to keep it that way. We even broke up on numerous occasions to keep ourselves from sin yet every time we found ourselves aching for each other and then going a little further. I don’t know the exact moment when we went all the way but I let my boyfriend (now husband) claim it was a year after the fact.

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Posted in abstinence, Losing It, male virginity, Older virgins, Religion, V-Card Diaries, Virginity Pledge | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

V-Card Diaries: Victoria “I lost my virginity at 14 to my boyfriend of a year. We were young as hell and in love as hell.”

Today we’re highlighting Victoria from California lost her virginity at age 14 to the love of her life. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.

A little about myself:

My name is Victoria, a female. I’m 16 years old and I live in a small, small town in California. It’s literally tourist spot. All year round I see different people from around the world in Hawaiian shirts and flip flops, even though where I am it gets to below freezing.

How I define virginity:

Your virginity is NOT defined by your religion, your parents, or even your boyfriend. It’s defined by YOU, however you want to define it.

Here’s my story:

I lost my virginity when I was fourteen, to my boyfriend of a year. We were young as hell and in love as hell. In my family no one had ever talked to me about periods, love, sex, or drugs. I had to figure it out all own my own, just like a discovered how to put a tampon in the hard way.

I had started dating my boyfriend in 8th grade, and by freshmen year, we were definitely talking about sex. It was scary, because in school we were learning about condoms and birth control and stuff. Before we decided to have sex, I went on the pill. Two words, FUCK THAT. I had forgotten to take my pill at least 3 times a week every single week, so eventually I just stopped. I lost my virginity on my fourteenth birthday, in my boyfriends tiny room.

We got to his house and I stood next to his dresser without saying anything. I know, super awk. Anyways, long story short he had bought me Victoria’s Secret underwear for my birthday and I was so uncomfortable in my lacey thong I literally couldn’t move. We didn’t get naked, but there was a couple laughs and a couple moans, and a couple cries and it was so worth it. If I have one word of advice it’s definitely to lose it to someone special to you, I will never regret losing it to him because he was the love of my life and still is. I’ve been with him since I was 13.

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V-Card Diaries: Aura “I asked my Indian mother her opinion on pre-marital sex, and she told me she thought it should be made compulsory”

Today we’re highlighting Aura from India, currently living in the north of England, whose mother explained the importance of pre-marital sex with the help of a shoe analogy. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.

A little about myself:

I am a 20-year-old Indian girl, currently attending University in north of England.

How I define virginity:

For me, a person loses his/her virginity when he/she has sex for the first time. What one considers as one’s first, proper first time depends on him/her, and only he/she has the right to decide what it means to him/her and when he/she will lose it. I consider the day I had penetrative vaginal sex with a man for the first time as the day I lost mine.

People tend to think of Indians as quite narrow-minded and backward. What they do not understand is that it is a big country and there are many different kinds of people and cultures in it. In some areas, virginity is a huge deal, so much so that people actually use the blood stained sheet used on the wedding night to prove to neighbours the virtues of their wives or daughters. In some areas, nobody really talks about it – because it is very personal, but girls are expected to be virgins until they get married. In most areas, nobody cares, and it is a girl’s personal choice – unless of course she is married and cheating on her husband/wife. The region where I am from (Bengal) falls largely into the last category. Nobody talks about your sexuality, since its private, personal and well… just very weird for family members to discuss your sex life over coffee

But my mom is my best friend, and I talk to her about everything. In my teens, I asked her for her opinion on pre-marital sex, and I was quite shocked when she told me she thought it should be made compulsory before a wedding, to make sure two people are sexually compatible! Furthermore, she said that men are like clothes. When you walk into a store, you like a few, try some on, and then look at other factors such as prices, colours, and if you are actually going to be wearing them. Similarly, you like men, date some of them, sleep with some, and then decide based on everything which one of them (if any) is right for you. Of course, she said unlike clothes, you only buy (marry) one at a time, and if you have major problems, you return (divorce) him and pick another one. I am so happy my father was perfect for her and she didn’t need to ‘return’ him.

Here’s my story:

Such a happy day it was – to finally get rid of the thing that made all men patronise me and see me as some sort of a prize. I hated the fact that my ‘first’ man would feel a sick chauvinistic kind of triumph, and I didn’t want any man to have that pleasure, that satisfaction of knowing that he had somehow ‘taken’ my virginity, innocence, and what not. So, when I met a man who was extremely good looking and sexy, and also seemed like a nice, sensible person, I went home with him (to London), had sex with him, took the train back home the next morning, and was finally relieved of that sexist burden. The best part is, he doesn’t know my full name, or where I live, and I will probably never see him again. Problem solved–lost virginity, but didn’t give any subsequent boyfriend the satisfaction of being my first.

Posted in Double standard, Losing It, Random Feminism, Sex education, V-Card Diaries, Virgin/Whore | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

V-Card Diaries: Sully “I’m a guy, so why is it so difficult for me to remove this social stigma?”

Today we’re highlighting Sully in Potsdam, NY. First he chose to wait to have sex until he is able to take care for a girl if she gets pregnant, but now he feels like virginity is an awkward cloud looming over him. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.

A little about myself:

I’m 27, male , I live in Potsdam NY… I work in a restaurant as a cook, went to college, but dropped out for financial and family reasons.

How I define virginity:

Orgasm via vaginal or anal penetration

Here’s my story:

I’m a guy, I shouldn’t care what I look like or if the girl really cares for me, so why is it so difficult for me to remove this social stigma…I started with noble intentions, I wanted a career first, so if I got said girl pregnant I could at least be responsible and take care of her and “seed”, but then it just became this awkward cloud that loomed over me, people treat me like I’m some kind of freak, which in turn makes it only more difficult to talk or do anything about it.

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V-Card Diaries: SarahD “I felt awkward, and uncouth, and the braces didn’t make oral any more graceful”

Today we’re highlighting SarahD in Albany, New York, who expected the first time she had sex to be a one night stand, but instead it turned out to be the beginning of a relationship she is still in today. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.

A little about myself:

I’m a 23-year-old female, who currently lives near Albany, but I’ve lived all over New York State.

How I define virginity:

I don’t, to be honest. I would say there are many types of virginity, if I had to say anything definitive at all.

Here’s my story:

I was seventeen, and had just started college. I had gone on one date in high school, which fizzled awkwardly into nothing. A guy sat down with me and a mutual friend at dinner, and we started talking. He invited me back to his room to watch a movie, and I said sure. On the way there, we reconfirmed each others names. Once we got to his room, I sat on the floor to watch, and he suggested we sit or lay on the bed instead. That was when I first realized this might be more than friendship developing. Yes, I was genuinely that clueless.

We cuddled on the bed for a while, and his hands started to roam. I didn’t protest, and was rather glad he was taking the lead. Once the movie ended, I invited him back to my room, since I was currently without a roommate. I figured that it might be a one night stand, but at that point I didn’t care. I just wanted to figure out why the whole sex thing was so great. I went up to my room first, and waited for him. He took way longer than I thought he would, and I had basically given up, and was calling him an idiot in my head when he finally showed. It turns out he had trouble with his razor, and he had to shave for class the next day.

Despite copious research into the subject of sex, I was still dry mouthed with uncertainty any time I stopped to consider my next move. I felt awkward, and uncouth, and the braces sure didn’t make oral any more graceful when I attempted it. The actual penetration was anticlimactic and quite uncomfortable. I now believe I have a mild allergy to something in the condoms the school gave out. I’m glad I did it though. I did honestly enjoy myself, and the gentleman involved has since assured me I didn’t seem nearly as awkward as I felt. I still think he’s being nice about that though.

All in all, it was a good experience. I don’t know if I’d do it again, being much more aware of the risks I took, but hey, it turned out all right the first time. Despite my belief that this was probably a one night stand, it wasn’t. I think I’d have been fine if it was, but as it turns out, that was the beginning of a relationship I’m still in today. I may even wear a white dress at the wedding.

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V-Card Diaries: MyBodyNotYours “Part of me is shut off to sex, because I was sexually molested by a relative when I was 8.”

*Trigger warning for Sexual Assault*Today we’re highlighting MyBodyNotYours in Austin, Texas who doesn’t feel emotionally ready to have sex after being sexually molested as a child. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.

A little about myself:

Female, 21, Austin, Tx

How I define virginity:

Consented intercourse (penis in vagina, to be graphic)

Here’s my story:

Virginity for me has been a struggle for most of my life. Until recently, I hadn’t come to terms with what had happened to me as a child. At the age of 8, I was sexually molested by an older relative. After therapy, talking to my parents and confronting the relative, I’ve come to terms with what happened. A part of me wants to have sex, but another part of me has been shutoff to sex in general. I’ve struggled with boyfriends who don’t understand why I just don’t want to have sex. Someday I hope to have sex, but I’m still not quite ready emotionally from the damage that was done a long time ago.

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V-Card Diaries: Katherine “I’m a Mormon and a proud virgin but I have not been able to turn off my sexual thoughts.”

Today we’re highlighting Katherine in Arizona, who has been exchanging sexual fantasies with an old friend but isn’t planning to act on them. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.

A little about myself:

I’m a 28-year-old heterosexual female, born and raised in Arizona.

How I define virginity:

There are so many varying ways to define virginity. Not only do I consider myself a virgin because I have never had vaginal intercourse, but I have also never had any sexual contact with anyone including kissing.

Here’s my story:

Being raised Mormon it was always taught that you do not have sex till you were married (along with pretty much any other physical contact, even being alone with a potential partner). So I grew up more than happy to follow these rules. I have never had a strong sexual side, so it was easy. And being taught that the right thing to do was to be chaste I was always PROUD to be a virgin. I never struggled with hiding it, feeling ashamed or unwanted etc.

I’m not unattractive and I wouldn’t consider myself socially awkward, however I have never really been alluring to the opposite sex and have never had a boyfriend or been on an official date. I always had crushes on guys but they were always unrequited.

It hasn’t been till recently that I decided I do not even believe in marriage…so what is the point of waiting to have sex till you get married when I don’t even want that? And it hasn’t been till recently that I have even had any sort of desire to be physically intimate with anyone and these sexual thoughts and desires were only the result of a conversation with a guy I have known for ten years. I met him (Max) right out of high school and right up front he was more than willing to marry me even though having just met and known me for a short time. But that scared me so he and I have spent the last ten years having on and off conversations via email, online chatting and phone conversations. This year we sparked up our conversations again and one night sex was brought up. When I confessed to having a sexual fantasy about him, he in turn described how he would make love to me. A switch somewhere inside me was thrown. And ever since I have not been able to turn off these sexual thoughts.

But I have no desire to go and act on any of these newly discovered feelings. However Max and I have added an exchange of sexual fantasies to the mix of our usual conversations. None of which will be fulfilled in any near future because he is currently teaching English abroad and then moving to Australia till late next year.

I’m on my way to a new job in California starting next week. And even though I have never had any luck with guys, somewhere inside me I still hold out hope that maybe I will meet a guy whom I will share mutual feelings of love and respect with and a relationship will develop…and I guess we will just have to see if, when, and how actual physical intimacy will develop in my life.

Posted in abstinence, International Affairs, Older virgins, Religion, V-Card Diaries, Virginity Pledge, White Wedding | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

V-Card Diaries: Noodlegirl “I was so clueless, I had to Google what I had felt to see if I’d had an orgasm.”

Today we’re highlighting Noodlegirl from a US East Coast city whose most positive feeling about her breakup was relief she didn’t have sex with her boyfriend.  If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.

A little about myself:

I am a 22-year-old woman who recently graduated from college and is (hopefully) nearing the end of a search for a job near the east coast city where I attended college. I have always wanted to wait until marriage to have sex.

How I define virginity:

I define virginity as penis in vagina penetration.

Here’s my story:

I was raised in a Christian home and went to a conservative Christian school until I was 13. Sex wasn’t discussed very much in my home or at the Christian school, but I remember being told more than once that I should wait to have sex until marriage.

I believe as a result of this conservative upbringing, I arrived at the dating/sex scene much later than many of my friends did. I started experimenting with non-penetrative masturbation when I was 18 or 19 and had my first orgasm at age 19. I was so clueless about everything that I wasn’t even sure that I had had an orgasm. I had to google what I had ‘felt’ just to see if I had actually had one. Although I have always wanted a boyfriend, I have pretty high standards and wholeheartedly believe in waiting for someone who I feel I am truly compatible with personality and value-wise. So, I waited. Then, in the fall of my senior year, at age 21, I met a guy who lived on my floor in my dorm. We got along very well and became good friends and eventually started dating. Our relationship recently ended and lasted 10 months.

Very early on in the relationship, I was honest about my desire to not have sex. He was a virgin as well, raised in a religious family, and agreed to wait. However, later on I found out that he had misunderstood me. He was willing to wait for a commitment, but he was not willing to wait for marriage. Regardless, while we were together, he respected my desire not to have penetrative sex. The more ‘bases we rounded’, though, the more he expressed a desire to have sex. We had countless discussions and arguments about why we weren’t having sex, and though he broke it off for other reasons, I can’t help but think that the issue of sex factored in. One of the most positive feelings I have had about this break-up is the relief that I didn’t have sex with him.

While I do agree with the religious reasons for not having sex, I also believe that sex connects you to someone emotionally, whether you feel like it does or not. It is so intimate of an act that I believe that you give a little part of yourself to anyone you have sex with. It’s not that you can’t get that part back or fill that void again, but I believe that you must go through a lot of pain and subsequent healing to get it back. I also believe that if you have trouble reconciling what you’ve ‘given away,’ it can affect your future sexual and relationship experiences. Thus, I only want to have sex with one person, and I want it to be on my wedding night with my husband. I want to preserve that intimacy and make it as special as it should be for both of us.

Posted in abstinence, college life, male virginity, Older virgins, Religion, V-Card Diaries, Virginity Pledge, White Wedding | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Ask Trixie: I’m scared to lose my virginity because I’m scared I will get pregnant

From time to time we get letters with questions about virginity, sex, relationships, feminism or filmmaking, and we answer them here. Got a question of your own? Ask Trixie here.

I’m scared to lose my virginity because I’m scared I will get pregnant the first time I ever do it because that’s the kind of luck I have–Anonymous

I’m really glad you asked this question. Feeling ready to have any kind of sex is more than just making physical and emotional connections. It also means you and your partner are taking responsibility for using the right contraception and STI prevention–which I know can sometimes be confusing and awkward.

I have TOTALLY been there myself, and I’m really ashamed to say that the first time I had intercourse I used no birth control at all. So stupid and scary, and I was very lucky to not get pregnant or get an STI*. I did NOT make that mistake again. I immediately made my first gynecologist appointment, decided to go on the pill, and happily never got pregnant. That was the right choice for me at the time, but something else might work better for you.

First of all, the best way not to get pregnant is not to have intercourse (Jane The Virgin doesn’t count) but if you do want to have intercourse, birth control should never, ever, ever, be a matter of luck. It’s about educating yourself on the best BC option for you, and then using it exactly as directed. Despite what abstinence-until-marriage programs teach, contraception is safe and effective when used correctly (and a lot safer than going through a pregnancy).

A great place to start is with this handy guide from our friends at Scarleteen. It walks you through questions about what’s most useful and healthy for YOU and gives lots of suggestions on what to use. Planned Parenthood also has a comprehensive guide.

Once you have an idea of what works best for you, go see your health care provider. If you’re lucky enough to live near a Planned Parenthood office, they’ll be happy to help you, and it will be less expensive. Stay way clear of Crisis Pregnancy Centers which advertise the same services but then give you misinformation and shame instead of contraception.

If you’re having sex within a relationship and your birth control costs a bit of cash, it’s only fair that your partner helps pay for it. Just because you’re the one who can get pregnant, it doesn’t mean it’s not his responsibility as well.

*Don’t forget Sexually Transmitted Infections, which can be an even bigger risk than pregnancy because you don’t have to have intercourse to get infected. Condoms are the only way to protect yourself against those so have your partner keep using them. Also, because no BC is absolutely 100% effective (although many come very close), condoms can be a great backup.

Posted in abstinence, Ask Trixie, Losing It, reproductive rights, Sex education | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

V-Card Diaries: G “I’m not looking for a fairytale, just to meet someone to end my loneliness.”

Today we’re highlighting G in Canada, who is so cheerful and outgoing outwardly, she thinks people would be shocked if the knew how lonely and sad she really is. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.

A little about myself:

25, female, from Canada.

How I define virginity:

Having not had consensual sexual intimacy with a partner.

Here’s my story:

I’m 25, I live in a big city and always have, and I’m still a virgin. Not by choice at all, I might add.

I’m not “ugly” but I’m also not strikingly beautiful. I’m quite plain. In high school I was very troubled, badly bullied and quite depressed, which didn’t help. In college I was very shy and despite trying to push myself out of my comfort zone and actually go after people I was interested in, I never experienced reciprocated attraction. The rejection was and is still very painful.

Since then, I’ve tried online dating to no avail (I got exactly two messages, both from men in their 60s, and zero responses to anything I sent out) and gone out to parties and bars and all kinds of things in an effort to meet new people, but so far nothing has happened. A couple of times I got excited about someone promising, only to be disappointed. I’m not clingy or anything (believe me, I’ve asked people I know how I come off), just very unlucky.

I want desperately to meet someone. Not so much to have sex, but to help me realize I’m worthy of affection of SOME kind. Right now, I am 25 and I’ve never been kissed, never been on a date, never held hands, never anything. I feel so truly and desperately alone that I cry myself to sleep frequently. I’m not looking for a fairytale, just an end, however brief, to my loneliness.

I am at the point where I can’t imagine what it would be like to have someone show me romantic affection. I almost don’t even think it’s real. I have a lot of love and care to give and no one who wants to receive it. I’m a very cheerful, smiley person outwardly, and extremely outgoing and friendly. People would be shocked if they knew how lonely and sad I am.

I hope I’ll one day be able to write an update saying how I spent years overreacting and worrying for nothing and that I met someone I’m happy with, but I don’t know if I can believe it’ll ever happen. Maybe it’ll finally be my turn one day.

Posted in Older virgins, V-Card Diaries | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Response

V-Card Diaries: Shadow “His touches left my skin on fire and his kisses electrified me.”

Today we’re highlighting Shadow in Chicago. Despite her mother’s opinions on virginity, which had left her feeling nervous for her first time, she was calm when the actual moment came. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.

 

A little about myself:

I’m a 16-year-old female. I currently live in a very small town south of Chicago.

How I define virginity:

Emotionally, I would define virginity as remaining a child; pure and untouched. Logically, I would define it as actual penetration. Anything oral or not penetrating does not count as losing your virginity in my book.

Here’s my story:

I lost my virginity yesterday. Prior to this, I always thought I’d feel shattered after losing my virginity. My mother told me to always keep it until I was 18. So, I guess her constant reminding left me scared. But yesterday, as it happened, I welcomed this strange experience.

He’s my boyfriend of not-too-long and I felt that he was the right person to lose it to. Even though he was also a virgin, he was careful and gentle. His touches left my skin on fire and his kisses electrified me. I was pretty self-conscious during it all, though. After the deed was done, we showered together and he stood under the pelting water and said, quite humorously, “Wow, you took my virginity. I am no longer pure!”

It was a huge deal before doing it and now that I’ve done it, it’s not that monumental. Society makes us females out to be sex vixens and then tells us to be pure until marriage? There is no “right time” to do it. Only when you’re sure is right enough.

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V-Card Diaries: ComplexCat “Being flirtatious and a virgin seems to be a bad combination.”

Today we’re highlighting ComplexCat in Chicago, IL. Although she was raised in a household that had strict opinions about sex, she has chosen to no longer measure her worth by her virginityIf you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.

A little about myself:

I’m and 18-year-old female who lives in Chicago IL.

How I define virginity:

I’m not sure how I define virginity.


Here’s my story:

Well, growing up I was always told to believe that your sexuality plays a big role in your lifestyle. I always used to hear stories about “the fast-tail little girls” that ran around playing with the younger boys. I was raised to shun those that have had sex before marriage or before any type of commitment (i.e. relationships). I had a cousin that got pregnant at 11-years-old. My entire family pretended to “support” her when they all secretly were disgusted and ashamed of her. Whenever there were family gatherings my mother kept me away from her. I actually remember rubbing her belly and getting yelled at by my mother.

Fast forward 10 years later:
I’m now 18 and I’m still a virgin. I’ve never been afraid to openly talk about being a virgin and my sexuality. I’ve “talked” to several guys and I’m very flirtatious. Being flirtatious and a virgin seems to be a bad combination. I honestly don’t even know why I’m still a virgin. All the guys I’ve met were all pretty nice and I was very comfortable around them. Recently, I had a conversation with my 24-year-old crush about sex. We talked about how naive most girls are and that sex is a natural thing to do. At first I was offended because I thought he was just trying to find reasoning for me to sleep with him. However, when I look at what he was saying it all makes sense. Now I believe that I’m 100% ok with “losing my virginity” as long as the person respects me. I always used to use my virginity as a golden ticket that made me stand out from other girls, but I’ve realized I have tons of great characteristics that make me stand out. I don’t need to keep my virginity concealed from mankind forever, but I also don’t need to be passing it out like ice cream on a hot Chicago summer day. Right now I’m just trying to have fun, live life, and become exposed to new things. If I have sex this summer it’ll just happen. I’m no longer measuring my worth by me being a virgin.

Posted in Defining virginity, V-Card Diaries | Leave a comment

V-Card Diaries: Alessia “He reminded me of Christian Grey, but the way he kissed alone made my knees weak.”

Today we’re highlighting Alessia in Long Island, NY whose first-time experience, after a month of texting, was “romantic, sexy, gentle, passionate, and rough all at the same time.” If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.

A little about myself:

I am a 21-year-old woman living in Long Island, New York and going to grad school in Manhattan.

How I define virginity:

I don’t really define it. I think it’s completely up to an individual to decide what their virginity is/isn’t.

Here’s my story:

Over this past summer, when I was 20, I had gone up to my friend’s college house to celebrate her roommate’s 21st birthday. After spending the day drinking and partying at their house, we hit the most popular, hipster dive bars there and that’s where I saw him. He was almost the exact physical definition of my dream guy: a beard, brown hair, green eyes, just so fucking sexy. We couldn’t keep our eyes off of each other while he was playing pool and finally he approached me and we got to talking.

All of my friends wanted to head back to the house at that point but he asked if I would wait with him until he finished his game of pool and then we’d go back together. Normally, I’d be a little apprehensive about this but since some of the girls we were with knew him, I said ok. On the way back we did some making out, hung out at the house a little, and then I walked him back to his car and we made out some more and made plans to see each other the following weekend despite the 3 hour difference between us.

That didn’t work out, unfortunately, and I left for Italy for 2 weeks the following week. He texted me once while I was there, but since my texting was limited we weren’t able to talk a lot.

Eventually, things between us died down and we didn’t speak for over a month. I met a different guy and we dated for a little bit but on my 21st birthday he dumped me. Feeling down, I texted the guy from the bar and we started talking again.

We began talking everyday for over a month and a lot of it involved intense sexting and describing in detail what we’d do to each other in person. Well, today, we finally got the chance to see each other in person cause he made the trek down to where I live cause we couldn’t take the waiting and frustration any longer.

So, first we got lunch but the sexual tension was so strong that we rushed back to my place and went straight for my room. He reminded me of Christian Grey, by the things he said and the way he looks, but the way he kissed alone made my knees weak. We both stripped down and did some foreplay, (he had the biggest dick I had ever seen in my entire life so I was terrified of how painful it was going to be). When it was finally time to have sex, I told him the truth that that’s the only thing I had never done before.

He was super nice, gentle, and understanding about the whole thing. Even though it was painful, it did eventually feel good enough that I had multiple orgasms. Even when I started to bleed a little and got so embarrassed I almost left the room to go wash myself, he kissed me and told me it was perfectly natural and not even slightly embarrassing and continued on.

It was just so romantic, sexy, gentle, passionate, and rough all at the same time and I seriously hope I can have sex with him again.

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V-Card Diaries: Christine “My social anxiety kept me from forming intimate sexual relationships.”

Today we’re highlighting Christine in Wisconsin, who feels she’ll be single for a long while and hopes to experience a fulfilling sexuality even without a partner. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.

A little about myself:

I’m a 29-year-old female living in Wisconsin. I’m a librarian.

How I define virginity:

I don’t like the word “virginity” or all that it entails. I think it’s an outmoded term. I like what Betty Dodson has to say on the matter, that if you’ve experienced orgasm or any kind of sex (including masturbation), you are not a virgin. By this standard, I have not been a virgin for quite some time. I unfortunately also operate under more conventional definitions of virginity, which is not having experienced male-female vaginal penetration. I have not done that. And moreover, I consider myself a virgin because there are so many levels of sexual and romantic contact that I have not experienced.

Here’s my story: 

I grew up in a home where my parents required all my emotional resources and there wasn’t much space for me to seek relationships outside the family. I developed social anxiety over the years and got used to not spending much time with peers. I’m finally free of this dynamic and it is taking time and considerable effort to redirect my energies to creating fulfilling relationships.

I am a very sexual person who enjoys masturbating frequently and sometimes uses books, porn, and toys. For about two years, I had extremely strong sexual desire that led me to engaging in online sex (chatting, phone sex, exchanging photos) several times a day. I will probably be single for a long while and my hope is to experience my sexuality as fulfilling and real even without a partner.

I’ve been on a total of four dates, none leading to a second date or a relationship. At the end of one date, I held hands with him and we kissed and it was very nice. That is the extent of my in-person sexual contact with a man.

I know that I want to eventually get married and have children and that all of this requires sex and intimacy. I believe that I am capable of it but I just need to keep building my life and working towards these relationships. I feel deep shame about my lack of experience, but I also understand the reasons why and I am working to create a more engaged relational life.

Posted in Older virgins, Porn, sex toys, V-Card Diaries | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Response

One of the many lies we’re told about sex

“Whether we’re being told we have to do it with someone else (masturbation isn’t “real” sex), we have to do it with someone of the opposite sex, we have to do it in a bed, 2.5 times a week, or some other form of this lie, there are no lack of people who want to feed you the lie that there is only one (or two) right ways to have sex. The truth is that there are no rules (beyond age and consent) to how you can have healthy and fun sex. Whenever you catch someone feeding you this lie, call them on it.”

From “Lies We’re Told About Sex” by Cory Silverberg, About:Sexuality

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V-Card Diaries: Sammie “I haven’t had sex because any man who has ever touched me intimately has hurt me”

Today we’re highlighting Sammie in New England who is, for the time being, perfectly happy with her vibrator and erotica. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.

A little about myself:

I’m a 31-year-old female from California living in New England

How I define virginity:

I suppose I am technically a virgin because I have never had sex with another person. Vibrators/dildos don’t count huh?

Here’s my story:

I was molested, and nearly raped, when I was 12 and then was sexually assaulted again when I was in college. I was an early bloomer and because of that I was sexualized by men at a very very young age (by the time I was 10 years old I was getting propositioned on the street by men walking by because I looked more like I was 17). It has always made me extremely uncomfortable with my body, and then my past sexual assaults have increased that discomfort.

I know men appreciate my body and find it desirable but I just don’t see why. I actually wish I was gay, or asexual, because I trust women more than men, but I just don’t find women desirable. I have pushed away any, and all, physical relationships because of my past experiences and have even lied about my virginity to my best friends. Its just
easier to pretend that I have had sex then it is to explain to your girlfriends that you haven’t had sex because any man who has ever touched you intimately has hurt you. Plus at my age, people assume there is something seriously wrong with you if you aren’t having sex all the time.

I hope to someday meet someone that I can feel comfortable enough with to have sex and build a trusting relationship with, but for the time being I am perfectly happy with my vibrator and erotica.

Posted in Older virgins, sex toys, Sexual Assault, V-Card Diaries | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

V-Card Diaries: Chloe “I don’t feel pressure to have sex, and I don’t know that many people who have had sex.”

Today we’re highlighting Chloe in New Zealand, who kind of wants to have sex for the first time just for the experience, though she’s been told she will regret it. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.

A little about myself:

I’m a 17-year-old New Zealander.

How I define virginity:

Having sexual experience involving another’s genitalia.

Here’s my story:

I’m currently a virgin, and I’m still undecided whether I will wait until I have a bf I like, or if I will just have my first experience with someone I do not romantically like. I’ve never had a bf so part of me wants to just get it over and done with, do it for the experience. Though I have been told I will regret it/feel guilty/shouldn’t waste it…So I don’t know who to believe!

I don’t feel pressure to have sex, and I don’t know that many people who have had sex. I was so surprised to learn the average age was 17!

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Just The Tip: Virginity In The News with Jane The Virgin, The Institute of Sexology, Indonesian ‘virginity’ testing, victorian sex myths that won’t go away, and more…

Your weekly roundup of virginity-related stories in your world. Want to hear about them right away? Follow us on Facebook where we post daily. Got a story for us to post? Let us know!

 

V-Card and Feminist Ryan Gosling

So honored to have our V-Card sharing space with Feminist Ryan Gosling at Sewanee University of the South after my “How To Lose Your Virginity Myths” lecture at the Bairnwick Women’s Center Pinnacle Luncheon. Want me to come to your school? More info here.

 

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“There are no “but”s when it comes to women’s humanity. Not “but” you’re lonely, not “but” you’re horny, not “but” you’re nice, not “but” that’s how your grandparents met, not “but” she was naked in your bed. Women are people, and women just get to exist and set boundaries and say no. Always. Any time. Just like you.”

Lindy West’s essay for the Daily Dot is so powerful in the way it elegantly connects the dots between online harassment, rape culture, pick-up artists, and the way women are socialized to be ‘kind’ and ‘receptive.’ It’s a must-read.

 

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Among the many reasons to watch the new CW show Jane The Virgin (aside from the amazing Gina Rodriguez) is the show’s sex positive and pro-choice messages, which Cosmo points out is a big step forward for the Latina community.

“A TV show can’t change everything about how the Latino community talks about sex and reproductive rights, but it’s heartening to see one that reflects the change that’s already happening. And while Jane’s decision may ultimately not have been your decision, it’s a decision she was able to make — not her mother’s, not her grandmother’s, not her boyfriend’s. The show hasn’t trivialized or moralized abortion talk; it’s normalized it.”

I especially love the show for the way it portrays real-life abstinence choices, freely made with actual information, as well as the way it confounds the stereotypes around ‘older’ virginity. OK, at 23, Jane isn’t at all old, but you all are sending me older virgin emails at 19. So. Also, I have a special crush on vain but hilarious Telenovela star Rogelio De La Vega played by Jaime Camil. If you haven’t seen it yet, you can watch it here for free!

 

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Turkish textbooks remove diagrams of genitals

Turkish news outlet The Hurriyet Daily News reports that some Turkish schoolbooks have replaced diagrams of genitalia with cute photos of mothers and baby animals. While pictures of baby polar bears definitely help SEO, they have no place in science books. It’s just another disturbing instance of Turkey’s increasing conservatism under Erdogan, but keep in mind these censored Turkish sex ed texts are not unlike US abstinence programs which erase information about contraception and gay people–when they’re not vilifying them, that is. I hope they still have Our Bodies, Ourselves.

 

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The Telegraph reports that women who are trying to join Indonesia’s police force are routinely subjected to ‘virginity’ testing. The women report that

“My group of about 20 girls was asked to enter the hall and was asked to take off our clothes, including our bras and underpants,” a 19-year-old woman told the organisation. “It was humiliating. Only those who had menstruation can keep [wearing] underpants… A female doctor did the virginity test … the ‘two-finger’ test.”

The story makes a point of asking what virginity has to do with good police work, but fails to mention that any and all so-called virginity tests don’t test anything except how retrograde and ignorant the testers are. Aside from that, these tests were supposed to be abolished in Indonesia in 2010–and they are a violations of human rights.

 

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The UK’s Wellcome Collection is doing a year-old exhibit on sexuality called “The Institute of Sexology”, which they describe as:

“a candid exploration of the most publicly discussed of private acts. Undress your mind and join us to investigate human sexuality at ‘The Institute’, the first of our longer exhibitions. Featuring over 200 objects spanning art, rare archival material, erotica, film and photography, this is the first UK exhibition to bring together the pioneers of the study of sex.”

I love their NSFW video, which makes the study of sex look classy and illicit at the same time, with scads of naked bodies and naughty words. Totally worth the trip to London, in my opinion!

 

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We got vibrators

From Autostraddle’s Rebel Girl series, 5 Bad Theories on Gender and Sex From Way Back When That Still Impact us Today, from with the totally bogus universal theory of gender difference, making European women’s bodies the ‘normal,’ and the ongoing pathologization (is that a word?) of female sexuality.

“The American Psychiatric Association didn’t drop the term hysteria until the 1950s, and hysterical neurosis remained there into 1980. The impacts of the mass misdiagnosis are far-reaching: women today are still labeled “crazy,” and it’s a seemingly natural part of our gender roles.”

On the plus side, we got vibrators.

 

Posted in abstinence, college life, Double standard, History, Human Rights, Hymenology, International Affairs, Just The Tip, Kink, Older virgins, Random Feminism, Sex education, sex toys, video, Virginity in the News, virgnity testing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Responses

V-Card Diaries: Jenny “Within twenty minutes he was asking if I’d like to go home with him. I immediately agreed.”

Today we’re highlighting Jenny in London, who feels that that if you’re willing to put your nervousness to rest and let your impulses take over, you’ll probably have a lot more fun. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.

A little about myself:

I’m Jenny, I’m 20, female, from London.

How I define virginity:

To me virginity isn’t as much made up of a particular sexual act or series of acts, it’s more about giving yourself physically to another person for the first time. Emotionally too, maybe, but that’s a whole different story. As a bisexual woman, I would not consider penetration to be necessary to lose one’s virginity, but that’s how it went with me.

Here’s my story:

So I lost my virginity a little over a month ago, and I felt it was a story worth sharing as I think it may be a little way off the norm.

I’m in my second year of university and I live with three good friends. One day I came home from work late and had forgotten my keys, and they were all headed into town to go to a club. In the spur of the moment I decided to go along though I was very tired. I had a few drinks, danced with my friends, but (as per usual) I was feeling horny as it had been a while since I had even kissed anyone, so I went searching for someone to, erm, fulfil my needs. I was a little drunk and went upstairs where I was introduced to a friend of a friend who was also a little tipsy and looking for someone to kiss. Impulsive as I was that night, I kissed him there and then and within twenty minutes he was asking if I’d like to go home with him. At this point I was so ready for sex I immediately agreed and we left. What followed was fun.

There was no awkwardness , no mishaps, and no pain.We did a little bit of everything, fucked in several positions, I gave my first blowjob and got head for the first time, and had 3 glorious orgasms. Exhausted after 2 hours of antics, he spent the night. We woke in the morning, had sex again, I gave him his bus fare, and he left. I didn’t give him my number and we haven’t been in touch.

All I can say is that if you’re willing to put your nervousness to rest and let your impulses take over, you’ll probably have a lot more fun. Also, finding someone who is attentive to your needs just as much as to their own is a big plus. Maybe I should have given him my number after all–now I have to go and find someone else for a repeat performance :/

Posted in college life, International Affairs, Losing It, V-Card Diaries | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

V-Card Diaries: Lucky “We were 14 and 15 and in love. It took us a year to go all the way.”

Today we’re highlighting Lucky in Wisconsin, who had a dedicated, engaged partner who wanted her to be happy, satisfied and connected in a sexual way. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.

A little about myself:

I’m a 30 year old business owner, who happens to be a divorced woman in Wisconsin, with a beautiful 2-year-old daughter.

How I define virginity:

There are many things that constitute virginity – But in my book becoming a sexual being is what is meant by ‘virginity’ – understanding sex in a sexual context and the loss of childhood and innocence.

Here’s my story:

I met a very wonderful boy when I was 13, and he was 14. We were very committed to each other and spent tons of time together. We talked (at length) about EVERYTHING under the sun and spent time together every day. We knew each other very well – to say the least. We understood what sex was, and we moved from making out, to exploration of each other’s bodies, to sexual touching, oral, and then moved on to penetrative sex. It took us over a year to go “all the way” – We were 14 and 15, and in love, in my bedroom when my parents were gone the first time we had penetrative sex. But looking back I was SO LUCKY! I had a dedicated engaged partner that wanted me to be happy, satisfied and connected to him in an intimate emotional and sexual way. I can’t even imagine any better way to have been introduced to sex!

It was amazing, and connected, and so much better than “waiting” – putting too much pressure on one act. When I finally told my mother there was ‘disappointment’ and she was basically horrified by my young introduction to sex – (being an underage mother herself) lots of shaming and guilt trips followed. But somehow, they balanced each other out and the enjoyment of sex and the relationship continued all through my time in High School.

As an adult I’m a fully-realized sexual being that is not afraid of their sexuality. I have explored myself and 2 other long-term partners along my journey of life. I understand how to express myself in a sexual way, and I hope for my daughter that she will be able to have as good an experience as I did, when she is in love and ready – just as I did.

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V-Card Diaries: James “My valedictorian medal had a big V on it, which could have also stood for virgin”

Today we’re highlighting James in Canada, whose romantic encounter with a woman at a bonfire ended in disappointment, but also reassurance that someone found him attractive. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.

A little about myself:

I’m a 19 year-old boy from Canada who is a second year university student. I was also my high school’s Valedictorian and was given a medal with a big “V” on it. It’s funny how the “V” could also stand for “Virgin.”

How I define virginity:

Never having consensually caused an orgasm though physical contact with another person. Also a patriarchal construct used as a reference to self-value, commodifying women and stratifying men; engrained into consciousness so well that it has become a dominant part in some people’s lives. Heck, even I have trouble letting go of the idea that it something special.

Here’s my story:

All throughout middle school and high school I have never had a girlfriend, due mostly to my lack of social skills. I remember feeling different and slightly alienated from my peers as it seemed everyone else I knew was able to easily acquire a boyfriend or girlfriend. Me being a guy, I rarely got asked out. I remember the first time I was asked out was in grade 7. I was really nervous being young and less familiar to the whole “dating game” and ended up saying neither “yes” nor “no” to her. I now regret that.

The farthest I have ever gone with anyone was with this girl I met at a late night bonfire beach party. She was a year young than I was and I remember how she would frequently come to talk with me and seemed interested with everything I said, which I thought was just her being freindly. She started getting cuddly with me and I cuddled her back since I thought she was cute. The party ended when the tide came in and the fire was put out. We were the last to leave and we ended up getting lost while walking; to where, I don’t remember. It was dark and we were alone so we went back to my car, which was parked by the beach. When we got to my car I remember us standing there and staring at each other when it just happened, we kissed!

We then ended up cuddling and making out in my car and talked to each other about various things. She told me that she had had a crush on me for a while and even viewed my Facebook profile a few times. She even told me that she was attracted by my social awkwardness. I eventually addmitted to her that I was a virgin and that I never really had a girlfriend before and she told me she too was a virgin, which was nice to know. I found out we had quite a few things in common and we ended up crashing for the night in my car. I remember asking her jokingly if this meant we slept together.

Thinking I had a new girlfriend, I messaged her a few days later. She responded by telling me how drunk she was that night and how she didn’t really want a relationship with anyone and how sorry she was. I was deeply saddened and disappointed but got over it after a solitary walk through town. I am still a virgin who has never been in a relationship but it is nice to know that there are others in my situation. It is also reassuring to know that there is at least one person out there who finds me attractive.

Posted in college life, Defining virginity, male virginity, Older virgins, Random Feminism, V-Card Diaries | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Ask Trixie: If just the tip or less went in does it still count? Am I a virgin?

From time to time we get letters with questions about virginity, sex, relationships, feminism or filmmaking, and we answer them here. Got a question of your own? Ask Trixie here.

If just the tip or less went in does it still count? Am I a virgin? –Anonymous

Hi Anonymous!

This kind of question is always tough to answer because different people have very different ideas about how you lose your virginity. Is it a penis in a vagina? Is it a broken hymen? Is it thinking impure thoughts? Is it feeling intimate with your partner? Seriously, lots of people have sent us their definitions and virginity means very different things to different people.

The question I want to ask you is why is it important to know whether you’re a virgin or not? Why do you need an outside definition to tell you who you are? Is someone making you feel bad about being (or not being) a virgin? Do you think it changes your value in some way, depending on what the answer is?

If you’re living in a community where the answer to your question can have serious consequences, I’m so sorry. All I can say is you need to do what you can to keep yourself safe until you’re away from that community and have more freedom. (And write back if that’s the case)

You’ve probably been told different things about being a virgin. Please know that it makes anyone clean or dirty, pure or used, hot or not. I don’t believe there’s one magic moment that suddenly changes us somehow. I’d rather think about a series of ‘first times’ that will make up your long sexual history. So maybe you lost your ‘just the tip’ virginity. Or maybe instead of using the word virgin, you can say ‘I’ve had a penis tip inside me but I’ve never had intercourse.’ That’s probably more accurate–if you’re the one receiving the penis, anyway.

I’m sorry I can give you a definitive answer, but there really isn’t one. What I do want to say is that if you want to have more sex, I hope that it feels really good, and is with a partner you can talk to and trust.

Posted in Ask Trixie, Defining virginity, Hymenology, Just The Tip, Losing It, Sex education | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Comment of the Week: “Our imperfections make us interesting”

“My friend, I may not know what you have that causes people to laugh. Be it a birth defect (as I have one, it has gotten me looks and rudeness from people) or a unique appearance. But nobody should give up. Heck, I too am a virgin and in my late twenties. But one thing I want you to know: Our imperfections make us interesting, somebody will see you beyond the appearance and love you as you are.”

From Tarantula on “I Was A Middle-Aged Virgin

Posted in Disablilty, Losing It, male virginity, Older virgins | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

“How To Lose Your Virginity” is now 65% off for schools, organizations and libraries!

Until Dec 31, 2014, our distributor Women Make Movies is having an amazing sale on their DVDs for schools, organizations and libraries.

Just buy five of their titles (except new releases) and you get 65% off on your order. That includes How To Lose Your Virginity, as well as our previous film I Was A Teenage Feminist. Join the hundreds of institutions that have made these films part of their collections. Here are just a couple of educators using the film:

“This film is an engaging, entertaining documentary about the conflicting meanings of female virginity and sexuality in North American culture. My students loved every minute of it, and were very excited to have an opportunity to talk with Therese about the process of making the film”
–Elizabeth A. Kissling, Ph.D, Professor, Eastern Washington University

“The teen Peer Leaders from the TORCH Program were grateful to have the opportunity to screen the film with Therese and discuss their reactions with her after they watched it. It was eye-opening for them to see the parallels Therese makes in the film between the historical context of virginity to some of the current cultural practices we accept as the norm. Great film!”
-Kathryn Albergate, TORCH Program,
The National Institute for Reproductive Health & NARAL Pro-Choice New York

Click here for more info about the titles.
Bring Therese to your school or organization
If you are ordering from outside the US or Canada, click here

Posted in archival films, college life, Defining virginity, Random Feminism, Sex education, This Film, video | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

V-Card Diaries: IP “I really understood sex the first time I ‘took’ someone’s virginity.”

Today we’re highlighting IP in Toronto, Canada, who whose relationship ended when she told her partner she’d made out with other guys before him. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.

A little about myself:

17, Female, Toronto

How I define virginity:

I used to define virginity as penis in vagina penetration however that mentality has changed drastically. It wasn’t until I had had sex with a number of different people that I began to see how complex it really was.

Here’s my story:

The first time I had sex was with another “virgin” and it was special, I feel 100% comfortable with how it happened and I wouldn’t change it for the world. However, I really understood sex the first time I “took someone’s virginity.” I hate using that phrase but I feel like it encompasses what I’m about to say.

I first met this guy at an end of exams party in June. I was instantly attracted to his charisma and confidence. I immediately thought that he was this incredibly experienced, smooth talking, sex god but it turns out he wasn’t. I spent almost the entire party talking to him and afterwards he added me on Facebook, however our communication seemed to stop there. He never made the effort to message me and his name would pop up in my news feed and taunt me every so often. We met again by chance at a concert but this time he asked me out as soon as he got home. Our romance progressed very quickly and after two weeks it felt like we had been talking for months. I soon discovered that he was a virgin which took me by surprise, he insisted he had “fooled around” before but something in his voice told me he hadn’t.

One night I slept over at his house and making out soon turned into more, we ended up rolling around on his bed naked while he fumbled around trying to figure me out. He didn’t have a condom so we couldn’t “have sex” and at the time I still thought we hadn’t. The week afterwards I had a party and he slept over. We would steal away every so often to make out in my basement and finally when everyone was gone we went upstairs. It felt like things happened in the blink of an eye. I asked if he wanted to, he practically cut me off with a yes, we figured out the condom situation and bam. It happened. Afterwards we lay in bed and started talking.

I mistakingly thought we were not dating at this point but he clearly did. He asked me if I had made out with anyone else and I said yes which warranted a painful silent treatment, followed by a lot of drama. We basically ended the second I told him about the other guy. Now, I think of our first time together as the night I was at his house instead of the night we were at mine. I feel as though that was the time we were the most intimate, which is how I currently define sex.

Having sex with someone encompasses so much more then just penetration, it deals with so much more. Anytime you feel intimately connected with your partner you are having sex, regardless of what anyone else defines it as.

Posted in abstinence, Defining virginity, Double standard, Losing It, male virginity | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Ask Trixie: What is a “cherry” and does every female have one?

From time to time we get letters with questions about virginity, sex, relationships, feminism or filmmaking, and we answer them here. Got a question of your own? Ask Trixie here.

Odd question, and yes I’m female. What is a “cherry” and does every female have one?? –A.

Hi A–

There are no odd questions, Anonymous, just odd slang terms! Aside from being a deliciously sweet small red fruit, cherry can also be a somewhat vulgar slang* term for:

a) a hymen
b) the blood you allegedly see when the hymen is ‘broken’
c) a vagina or vulva
d) the concept of virginity itself

In fact, it’s so widely used that we picked cherries as the logo for our film How To Lose Your Virginity (see above!). So when someone tells you they ‘popped her cherry’ they usually mean they ‘broke’ someone’s hymen, often followed by the other gross and meaningless phrase ‘I took her virginity’

The slang is pretty useless since:

a) the state–or existence–of someone’s hymen has nothing whatsoever to do with their sexual status. Or whether there has ever been a penis near it.
b) not all females have vaginas or hymens, either because they are trans or they have a medical condition.
c) not all females bleed when they have any kind of penetrative vaginal sex
d) virginity is a just concept for you to define or reject, so it can’t be taken, created or destroyed.

We still like our logo because it lets us set the stage for the thorough myth-busting we do during the film. There’s so much more to say about hymens, and you can read more about that at our Hymenology category.

*There are more definitions in the Urban Dictionary, and I’m so happy that the top two totally challenge virginity myths. 

Posted in Ask Trixie, Defining virginity, Hymenology, Losing It, Queer, Sex education | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Dear Young Men: Don’t get hung up on the V-Word

Two great articles speaking directly to men about virginity and sexuality. We ladies cover this topic a lot on the blog, and I also enjoyed sharing similar ideas in an interview for an upcoming documentary on male virginity. Unfortunately, we ladies sometimes get a bit of pushback when we weigh in on this topic, but luckily, here’s the same straight dope from a couple of actual dudes. So listen up and seriously, read the whole stories at the links. They are both super smart.

From “Dear young men: The old stereotypes of what it is to be a ‘man’ are a load of rubbish” in The Independent

At about age 14, boys feel like they have to start bullshitting about their sexual exploits in order to survive. The pressure on these kids is just too great for them to speak frankly about it. Ignore what everyone says about their sex lives. They are lying, all of them, at least a little.

Forget the word “virgin” as a descriptor for both yourself and others. It’s an archaic, irrelevant word, meant to stigmatise and shame people. It oversells a person’s first sex act as some grand, transformational experience, which supposedly vindicates a young man and spoils a young woman. It’s an obsolete, religious, judgmental word. Let’s leave  it behind.

From “The Problem With Male Virginity” in Paging Dr. Nerdlove

Your value doesn’t come from who you have or haven’t slept with. It doesn’t come from where you fall on the bell-curve of starting sexual activity, whether you were precocious or a late bloomer. Your value as a person comes from how you act and how you make others feel. It’s about what you bring to the table as a whole person, not how many vaginas you’ve managed to talk your way into.

Don’t spend your time focused on getting laid for the first time, spend your time on becoming a better person. Cultivate an amazing life. Learn to connect with people, to build relationships. Don’t throw your hands in the air and just assume you’re uniquely cursed, work to fix things. Practice your social skills – getting good with women, getting good with people, is a skill that you can learn. Yes, you may have problems. You may have circumstances in your life that make things harder for you. But harder isn’t impossible, no matter how daunting it may seem.

h/t to our virginspotters @OliveMercies and @j_aallan !

Posted in college life, Defining virginity, Double standard, Losing It, male virginity, Older virgins | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

V-Card Diaries: Lijola “I lost my virginity with a guy I met over the internet and I know how that sounds.”

Today we’re highlighting Lijola in The Netherlands who believes you should celebrate your body, but also make sure it’s in trusted hands. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.

A little about myself:

I’m a 20 years old straight woman. I’m Polish, living and studying in the Netherlands.

How I define virginity:

Well it’s not an easy one to answer. Technically it’s sexual intercourse but morally? What if you got sexually abused? I believe it’s when you first time decide
to have sex and by that moment consider yourself no longer being a virgin. When it comes out of your own free will and not forced out on you.

Here’s my story:

I have always seen virginity as something very important. Partly it must have been cause of my religious backgrounds which at some point conflicted with my inner feelings about sex. I thought it makes you special since it’s so easily given away nowadays. I decided to give it to someone special. But what’s most important, someone I will fully trust and feel comfortable with.

I lost my virginity when I was 19. I met this guy over the internet, I know how it sounds. We fell for each other so much he decided to leave everything behind in his country and come to me so we can be together. He wasn’t a virgin anymore himself and had been quite sexually active before me so
it was hard for him to understand why wouldn’t I want to have sex with him.  It took him around half a year to sort everything out and move here so I took my time to figure out what do I want to do about this matter. Although he wasn’t very understanding and maybe even slightly pushing, I understood his point of view. And he just felt right in every way so i began to trust him and feel more open to it.

We decided to meet halfway and went on holidays together. It happened the first day we met. He wasn’t pushing me to it, he gave me all the space, love and attention that made it a moment I couldn’t regret. I couldn’t ever agree that being pushed to anything is a good thing and nobody should do that but in my case it helped me open myself to it.

I’d say, make it your own decision no matter what circumstances. If you will feel good with yourself doing it then it’s up to you and you only. It’s your body and you should celebrate it but also give it it’s respect and make sure you give it in trusted hands.

PS. We’re living together for a year now. We plan on keeping it so for next many years :)

Posted in International Affairs, Losing It, Religion, V-Card Diaries | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Response

V-Card Diaries: Haley “Virginity is a gift. Whether finding one or being one.”

Today we’re highlighting Haley who really wants to date a nice guy so her first time is special and not something she’ll regret. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.

A little about myself:

I’m a 21-year-old girl from Ohio. I like to read, I’m fun and outgoing, I drink but don’t like to go out and party and at times a little crazy.

How I define virginity:

Virginity is a gift. Whether finding one or being one.

Here’s my story:

When I was younger my parents didn’t allow me to date and now that I’m old enough to I still haven’t lost my v-card. I’m not wanting to wait until marriage or anything. I just don’t want it to be a one night stand or with some jerk. Which is all I seem to meet… I’ve never even had a boyfriend yet cause none of the ones i meet aren’t even worth it. Where’s the nice guy!? I just wanna date a nice guy that I can lose my virginity to so its special and not something I’ll regret in the future.

Posted in Older virgins, V-Card Diaries | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

V-Card Diaries: Gwen “I wasn’t raised in a sexually repressive atmosphere. Quite the opposite.”

Today we’re highlighting Gwen in Sweden whose first sexual partner was an Eminem wannabe she met at a Bartles and James wine cooler party. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.

A little about myself:

39-year-old dual American-Swedish citizen living in Sweden. After two unhappy long term relationships (one of which was mostly sexless) I am engaged to the man of my dreams.

How I define virginity:

Having never done anything sexual before, and this includes masturbation. By this definition, I lost my virginity at the age of four, since that’s when I started masturbating.

Here’s my story:

I’ve always been a very sexual woman. I was a very horny little girl and began masturbating when I was about four years old. Thankfully, I wasn’t raised in a sexually repressive atmosphere. Quite the opposite, really. My mother put me on the pill when I was sixteen, although I had already lost my virginity by then.

When I was fifteen I went on a date with a guy that I met through a friend. He was a white rapper, kind of an Eminem wannabe type. We went to a party where everyone was drinking Bartles and James wine coolers with Sweet Child of Mine playing in the background. Someone handed me a Fuzzy Navel cooler, but I could only drink a few sips of this overly sweet alcopop. I didn’t know I was going to have sex for the first time that night, but after making out on a sofa for about an hour, I decided I was ready. I asked him if he had protection and he said yes.

We ventured outside for a little privacy. He laid his jacket on the ground and he proceeded to remove my jeans. The make out session left me nice and lubed up, but it still hurt like hell when he penetrated me. The pain was surprising, and I remember telling him to stop. He stopped thrusting so I could relax a little, and then we continued. After a few minutes it stopped hurting and I started to enjoy it, although I certainly didn’t come.

Afterwards, we got dressed and he took me home. That was the only time I ever went out with him and I never saw him again, although I did talk to him once or twice afterwards.

After that, I didn’t have sex again for almost a year.

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Posted in International Affairs, Losing It, Sex education, V-Card Diaries | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment