V-Card Diaries: Sodi “I’ve only been sexually active with girls, but with all of them I was the boy.”

Our latest V-Card Diaries comes from Sodi in Melbourne, Australia. Although she’s been sexually active since she was 13, her current girlfriend was the first one to touch her. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. We’d love to run it in this blog.

A little about myself:

I am a full out 24-year-old lesbian. I am from Mexico but I live  in Melbourne, Australia since 3 years ago. I have a girlfriend who I’ve been with for the past 2 years and 5 months, and she is the one I lost my V with.

How I define virginity:

My V, I suppose I define it as that special thing that I only gave to my special girl. It is not something physical(hymen). I think it is more emotional because I am a lesbian, so I think we don’t lose out V in the same way a straight girl does.

Here’s my story:

I’ve been with my girl for 2 and a half years and when we started dating she knew she wasn’t the first one. I have been sexually active since I was 13, only with girls! But with all of them I was the boy, because all of them were straight girls so I used to fuck them and I used a strap on, so none of them ever touched me.

I wasn’t interested in that because I felt weird if any of them tried to do it. I wasn’t comfortable with my body at that point (I guess), but then I met this amazing girl which is nothing like my ex’s, and she’s a lesbian as well. It was the second time we were together and she was going on holiday the next day, so we were in her college room having fun, I was doing my thing, you know (making her see stars), what I normally do and I love it.

I can say I had an orgasm while eating her out, but when she finished I was like “OK, let’s go to bed”, and she was like “No, no, it is my turn” and I freaked out and I told her that no one has ever done that to me! She was surprised and told me to relax. ” I am not going to hurt you,” those where her words. So I lay down and she literally did everything to me, I was just following the orders she gave me. I never felt like that before. Not even 10 min after we finished, we realized she needed to get to the airport, so I tried to stand up and I couldn’t. She laughed a bit and told me “That’s how I feel all the time, now you know how real sex is, my love”. She kissed me and helped me get dressed. It is something that I will never forget!

So special. I love her!

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Posted in Losing It, Older virgins, Queer, sex toys, V-Card Diaries | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

V-Card Diaries: Dru “Losing your virginity in the Bible Belt is a huge deal, something girls instantly regret afterwards”

Our latest V-Card Diaries comes from Dru in North Texas, who thought the inaccurate advice she got in Sex Ed was appalling and disgusting. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. We’d love to run it in this blog.

A little about myself:

I am 21 years old, a woman, and I live in North Texas.

How I define virginity:

The first sexual act between me and the partner of my choice.

Here’s my story:

I may be the only 21 year old woman in my small town that has yet to lose her virginity. Losing your virginity in the Bible Belt is a huge deal. It is something that girls instantly regret afterwards, and guys revel in. The girls go to school the next day and tell their friends, not with a big smile on their face, but with a face full of regret and sadness. And the guys get to go to school with a smile and twinkle in their eye, and when telling their friends, the get high-fives and hugs. I never wanted to regret it, and I never wanted to be the reason some asshole got a high-five.

Everybody around me told me that having sex before I was married was a shameful thing to do and that my virginity was so precious that if I gave it away to just anybody that I was trash in the eyes of god. The only sex education that I received was that if you had sex with multiple partners that you would most definitely receive an STD. They showed us pictures of genital warts and told us exactly how they were “removed.” It scared the shit out of me.

They taught us that condoms didn’t work, and that birth control wasn’t healthy for girl’s bodies. Now that I look back on the sex ed that I received, I am appalled. They taught us that when we got older, the man that we would marry most definitely wanted a “new product” and not a “used one.” That if we had pre-martial sex, then we would be taking something away from our husbands that “belonged” to them. It was disgusting. And the even more disgusting thing was that I completely believed them. I completely believed the lies that they jammed into our brains.

And now, I am a proud feminist and a proud atheist. I no longer believe that my virginity is “god-given”, and that it “belongs” to my future husband. I no longer believe that I will most definitely get a STD if I have sex with multiple partners. I acknowledge the fact that I could receive some kind of STD, but that if I use condoms and speak up about getting tested, then the probability of me receiving one is lowered. I believe that my body belongs to me and when I do decide to have my first sexual encounter with a man that I trust, then nothing inside me will change and I will still be Dru.

Posted in abstinence, Defining virginity, Double standard, Religion, Sex education, V-Card Diaries, Virgin/Whore, Virginity Pledge, White Wedding | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

V-Card Diaries: Erinn “How do I lose my virginity if I don’t have a vagina? How my body helped me redefine my first time.”

News recently broke about the successful implantation of lab-grown vaginas into four teenage girls with Mayer-Rokitansky-Küster-Hauser (MRKH) syndrome (a rare genetic condition in which the vagina and uterus either under-develop or fail to develop at all). We’re reposting a fascinating V-Card Diaries from Erinn, who has this condition, and writes about the ways she rethought her ideas about virginity and sex.

Our latest V-Card Diaries comes from Erinn from Montréal, Canada, whose reproductive system has made her think outside the P-I-V box. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. We’d love to run it in this blog.

I am a 23 year-old grad student at Concordia University in Montréal, Canada, doing a Masters in Drama Therapy. I consider myself an artist, a researcher, a scholar, and a student-therapist. Also, because of the body I was born with, I explode normative constructs of virginity.

When I was 17 I wasn’t having periods and while experimenting sexually with my then-boyfriend I became really confused. I eventually found out the reason: I do not have a uterus or a vagina. In the medical profession this is called MRKH or Mayer-Rokitansky-Küster-Hauser Syndrome (named after the four men who “discovered” it). This is a rare congenital condition where part of the reproductive system does not develop.

In terms of gender, I am a woman. Genetically, I have XY chromosomes. I have ovaries and hormones, which have produced secondary female characteristics, including breasts. My vulva and clitoris look and work the same way one expects them to, except I do not have a vaginal opening. While explaining it to a guy, I once compared this to “trying to put a penis in your armpit”. It’ll give a little, but ultimately will be impossible and if you forced it, it would hurt.

At first I was really upset because I still thought of myself as a “virgin” and suddenly realized I had nothing to “give away”. I remember thinking, “I have gone as far as I can, and now what?” This part of my identity has forced me to find a new definition for a lot of cultural constructs, including sex.

I love sex. I find many forms of sex pleasurable in the context of a consenting and intimate relationship with another person. It’s just that when I say “sex” it means something other than what most people think of as “sex”. One of the challenging parts is having to discuss my situation with men because it requires them to challenge their assumptions and expectations as well. They have an image of “sex” that doesn’t exactly correlate with how I think of it, which I sometimes forget until I am getting serious with someone and I have to take a “time out” to explain. Sure, it’s awkward, but it also creates a dialogue about sex that I might not otherwise take the time to have.

I’ve come to think about my virginity as a period of my life prior to my first “sexual experiences.” I fondly remember curiosity and self-exploration, but also anxiety and confusion. If I thought of “virginity” in terms of a physical state, then I never have been or ever will be a virgin. Now I think of it along a continuum of first experiences, from my first kiss, to my first time being touched or touching another person intimately, being naked with someone, first orgasm and sexual pleasure, and the feeling of having part of someone inside my body. I think it’s a combination of first physical, emotional, and psychological experiences that over time have become part of my personal narrative.

I associate virgin with something I thought I had to be, but now I think the word “virgin” is just a way to make us think we’re not supposed to be sexual beings. In contrast, I think of “first times” as the people, the moments, the feelings, and sensations. I could talk about how I missed out on having a “first time”, but I would rather take it as an opportunity to talk about how my body helped me redefine “first time” to be what was meaningful for me.

Posted in Defining virginity, Hymenology, International Affairs, V-Card Diaries | 1 Response

What every good fembot needs: A vibrator for your spinal column!

Someone has invented a device that might make women have better orgasms.

Because it’s way better to implant shit into a woman’s spinal cord than to teach them about their sexuality, foster better communication skills, not shame women for enjoying sex, encouraging partners to work a bit harder pleasing them, etc etc etc.

North Carolina surgeon Stuart Meloy says it “could help rekindle the spark between old lovers.” The medicalization of female sexuality marches on.

Posted in Random Feminism, Sex education, sex toys | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

V-Card Diaries: Francesca “At 14, I was trying to avoid thoughts of being a lesbian and loving a girl.”

*Trigger warning for sexual and other violence* Our latest V-Card Diaries comes from Francesca from an Eastern European country, currently living in rural America, who suffered a great deal of abuse before meeting a man she loves. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. We’d love to run it in this blog.

About me: 

Francesca, 17-year-old dreamer from a beautiful Eastern-European country, exploring the world through the seek-and-find in my mind. Growing up at the seaside in a megapolis, I am an exchange student in rural America.

How I define virginity? 

Innocence of body and mind. When there is nothing to hide from mommy and priests.

My story:

That’s a long one. Pretty much a confession. I was the most delightful and kind girl you would ever meet. Never had a bad thought in my innocent head, never upset my mom, took ballet classes and believed I’d become a princess when I grow up. Everybody adored me.

My dad has always had drinking & anger problems. Once I saw him with a knife over my mom. I lost my credibility in men, some months after he hit me and threw me to the wall at the school in front of everybody because I shared my crayons with a girl. I locked up in myself, and that sweet little girl died. I was 8. It happened so that I was about to be sexually assaulted twice, but I got away, and I became obsessed with a fear of being raped and all the men.

I think I’ve always liked girls as well as boys. When I like somebody, I don’t consider them sexually. I’ve never seen this line between what is right and what is wrong. When I was 12, this older guy desperately fell in love with me. Tons of flowers, chocolates, balloons and books almost everyday- everything a girl can ask for to be the happiest. Made me think that I didn’t deserve it and there is no way that could be truth, sooo… I fell in love with his best friend, a girl. She gave me my first kiss.

This was a long story, it lasted 2 years, which ended up with me and her having sex. I was 14. In the cold empty bathtub, pretty fast and painful. It hurt even with one finger inside of me, but I didn’t lose my v-card. So innocent and scared before, I ate her out, and I have absolutely no idea how it could happen!!! I was so mentally a virgin that I almost fainted saying ‘penis’ at my anatomy class. She dumped me, scared of responsibility for my feelings, and it took me 2 years to get over it. I became a wild child, still making A’s and never upsetting my mom. I was trying to avoid thoughts of being a lesbian and loving a girl, drinking and smoking stuff to kill the leftovers of innocence.

But then I met him (I was 16). I’m not sure if I did it to prove that I liked guys as well or because I had a big crush on him, but I felt it was right. We made love on the roof of a 16-stories-high building and then on the beach. It hurt a lot but my mind was orgasming from a thought that there is a guy I love above me, and the night city & the sea under…Now everything is as it should be.

Posted in International Affairs, Losing It, Queer, Sexual Assault, V-Card Diaries | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Messed-Up State of Sex Education in America…in 5 Maps.

Read the full report from Guttmacher here, or just behold our messed-up sex ed policies.

Posted in abstinence, Human Rights, Queer, Religion, reproductive rights, Sex education, Virginity Pledge | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Want to inject a bit of feminism into your Passover Seder? Try “The Women’s Dayenu”

MiriamsCupFor all of my fellow feminists preparing to celebrate Passover, I want to share something we read every year along with the traditional “Dayenu.” The Women’s Dayenu was written by Canadian journalist, activist and feminist Michelle Landsberg many years ago. Her columns were what helped me and other young Canadians become the feminists we are today.

For extra credit, check out the book Miriam’s Cup, above, the story of Moses’ sister Miriam and her inspiring role in the Passover story. We honor her by placing her goblet next to the one for Eliyahu, filled with water to symbolize her Well.

We say this Dayenu after the original one, with each person at the table reading one line. It made an appearance in my 2005 film I Was A Teenage Feminist, it still provokes much eye-rolling and commentary at our Seder table, which is why we love doing it. Hag Sameach!

 

If Eve had been created in the Image of God and not as a helper to Adam,
DAYENU

If she had been created as Adam’s equal and not been considered a temptress,
DAYENU

If Lot’s wife had been honored for compassion for looking back at the fate of her family in Sodom, and had not been punished for it,
DAYENU

If our mothers had been honoured for their daughters as well as for their sons,
DAYENU

If our fathers had not pitted our mothers against each other, like Abraham with Sarah and Hagar, or Jacob with Leah and Rachel,
DAYENU

If the Just Women in Egypt who caused our redemption had been given sufficient recognition,
DAYENU

If Miriam were given her seat with Moses and Aaron in our legacy,
DAYENU

If women had written the Haggadah and placed our mothers where they belong in history,
DAYENU

If every generation of women together with every generation of men would continue to go out of Egypt,
DAYENU

 

 

Posted in Double standard, Random Feminism, Religion, Totally Off Topic, video | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

V-Card Diaries: Kisa “I lost my virginity while watching Star Wars on a Saturday, and it was the most perfect moment to do it.”

Our latest V-Card Diaries comes from Kisa on the East Coast who thought her first time was perfect, but doesn’t think all her friends would understand why she didn’t wait. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. We’d love to run it in this blog.

A little about myself:

My name is Kisa and I’m female and about to be a senior in the class of 2014!!! I live on the East Coast!!

How I define virginity:

I feel like there are several virginities you can lose and each one is its own separate thing. You can lose your oral sex virginity, your vaginal sex virginity, and anal, and much more. I think that each one is its own special thing and something to look forward to. But I also believe that people put too much value on virginity.

Here’s my story:

I was scared at first. My earliest sexual experiences were not done willingly. I had been penetrated with a finger in my vagina by my rapist and I was scared of doing anything sexual at all. I had decided I was going to put off sex until the latest possible moment. Then I met my boyfriend, and I told him outright I never wanted to have sex with him. While this might put off many guys he said he was willing to wait and understood why, he still did ask but respected me when I said no. He waited and waited for me to be ready and finally one day I was! I initiated the act and enjoyed it fully even though it did hurt. I lost my virginity while watching Star Wars on a Saturday at his house, and it was the most perfect moment to do it. I regret nothing. I only wish there was not such a stigma regarding virgins, and virginities. I am a little sad, not because I lost it to him, but because it’s something totally new to me and I don’t want people to judge me for my actions. It was perfect for me, but I don’t think all of my friends would understand why I did not wait longer.

Posted in Defining virginity, Losing It, Sexual Assault, V-Card Diaries | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

V-Card Diaires: Garrett “I thought of him as my second sexual partner, not as the man I gave my gay virginity to.”

Our latest V-Card Diaries comes from Garrett from California who realized that casual sex didn’t make him feel unclean or ashamed–just stupid. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. We’d love to run it in this blog.

A little about myself:

I am a 21-year-old bisexual male from California. I never considered my virginity important. I didn’t feel like I had to lose it. Sex didn’t and still doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable. The first time I slept with a woman she questioned if I was in fact a virgin, since I was calm and seemed to know what I was doing. The same thing happened when I had sex with a man for the first time.

How I define virginity:

I do not define virginity as a single entity that can be lost all at once, but rather in bits and pieces.

Here’s my story:

I always felt sexually stunted compared to all my friends growing up. Sex just wasn’t a high priority for me. It wasn’t until I had my first girl friend at the age of 20 that I began gaining sexual experience. We started things slow for the first four months. First hand on genital interaction, later oral, and then vaginal intercourse. When I realized I loved her I had no problem having vaginal intercourse. However, none of these experiences made me feel like I had lost anything.

It wasn’t until about seven months later that I truly felt that I had lost some form of purity. I moved away to go to school and the long distance became too much to handle. We eventually broke up but decided to remain in touch. This might have worked out had we not had meaningless sex the next day. I think the break up sex was meant as a last resort to salvage our relationship but all it did was make me feel awful, ashamed, and dirty. I had hurt myself and hurt someone I cared deeply for. I had damaged an emotional connection with sex.

The first time I had sex with a man was a casual hookup that lead to a short term dating experience until he ignored me completely. We were both on the rebound and got along well, it was easy. The first time we kissed lead to hand jobs, oral, and anal sex all in one night. I never once considered that it was a second chance to lose my virginity. I thought of him as my second sexual partner, not as the man I gave my gay virginity to.

I continued to casually date and have sex with him for about three months until he started sloughing off slowly. Then I started to feel used. I would ask him if he was done with me and he would say that things weren’t like that and he respected me. Ultimately I found out that translated to him just wanting to keep me on reserve until he knew what he wanted. I ended it and wished I’d never met him. This experience didn’t make me feel unclean or ashamed, but stupid. It made me feel stupid for trusting someone so easily and having sex with them so quickly. I realized that casual sex is not for me.

Posted in Losing It, male virginity, Queer, V-Card Diaries | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

V-Card Diaries: Miss Understood “I am a liberal atheist with multiple tattoos and a potty mouth, but I’ve never even kissed a boy.”

Our latest V-Card Diaries comes from Miss Understood in Texas who hasn’t so far found a guy worth having. When she does, then ‘hallelujah.’ If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. We’d love to run it in this blog.

A little about myself:

I am twenty years old, almost 21!!! Woo woo! I am a female from the big bad state of Texas.

How I define virginity:

Having never been intimate with another person on a physical level.

Here’s my story:

I am a liberal atheist with multiple tattoos and a potty mouth. Because of this I can’t be a virgin. But I am, I’ve never even kissed a boy. (Or girl I guess) My reasoning for being a virgin is because I haven’t found a guy who is worth having it. When he does come along and we trust each other, I won’t see a problem with things progressing.

Most of my closest friends are the same way except they are waiting until marriage. This is totally fine, but I don’t think that has to be the way. I see no problem with people being what some call “sluts”. I think that as long as you do it safely and you are happy about it then it is perfectly fine. For me it’s more about being comfortable with myself. Why would I reveal all this to a guy if I’m not happy about myself. Once I get there and find a really great guy then hallelujah.

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Busting Myths About Adult Virgins

VulcanVirgin

I don’t think I ever posted here about another story I did for Nerve.com called Sexless in the City: The Truth About Adult Virgins. It was a chance to address a lot of the mythology about folks who haven’t yet become sexually active, and all the stigma that goes with that. I was excited to include two of the women from How To Lose Your Virginity, as well as some of the men and women who contributed to the V-Card Diaries. Here’s the intro:

Let’s face it: if you haven’t had sex by college graduation, or (the horror!) by your 30th birthday, it’s hard not to feel some serious social stigma. Pop culture repeatedly brands adult virgins as religious freaks or shut-in action figure collectors. Advertisers work hard to push the message that everyone cool is getting laid as well: “Hey, loser! Buy this body spray/bustier/pickup artist book, and you’ll get play like everyone you know.” It’s easy to believe everyone is having sex but you – and that until you start getting busy, it’s best to lock yourself in the virginity closet and hope no one finds out your secret.

But here’s the actual reality: there are a lot of people not having sex. How can I be so sure? In the course of making How to Lose Your Virginity, a documentary about virginity myths, and collecting over 200 stories for The V-Card Diaries, a website compiling the personal stories of adult virgins, I’ve talked to a lot of people who consider themselves older virgins. It’s time to end some of the myths out there about this diverse and interesting bunch of abstainers.

Go to Nerve.com to read the rest, with profiles of several adult virgins who go against the same old stereotypes. [Excuse the section headings which I did not write quite in that way]

Posted in abstinence, aesexuality, Defining virginity, male virginity, Older virgins, Porn, Queer, Religion, Sex education, sex toys, This Film | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

V-Card Diaries: Ms. Beavers “It was painful for me, nerve-wracking, and beautiful–and sex got much better after the initial pain!”

Our latest V-Card Diaries comes from Ms. Beavers in Bakersfield, CA. Her sexual debut was nothing was painful and nothing like the movies, but still a pure bonding experience. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. We’d love to run it in this blog.

A little about yourself:

I am a 21 year old female who originates from California–specifically, Bakersfield.

How I define virginity:

Losing your virginity is more than physical penetration. It is a development of emotions, maturity, connections, and (hopefully) pleasure. Being a virgin is having a sense of purity within your own body. The term “losing your virginity” has a negative connotation, but is completely construed because if you have a positive experience, it can be the beginning of an entirely new chapter in life of love, passion, desire, and responsibility.

Here’s my story:

I am currently 21 and had my sexual debut at age 18. My story involves my high school sweetheart–we met when we were 15 and are still currently together. We waited 3 and a half years to have sex! It was after our freshman year of college that I had my dorm room to myself (plus him) and we just decided that it was time for us. It was nothing like the movies–the intense, passionate, screaming double orgasms. It was painful for me, nerve-wracking, and beautiful. Sharing that connection that neither of us had experienced with anyone else, and knowing that we are each other’s keepers still to this day, is one of the most pure bonding experiences I’ve ever had. Oh, and sex got much better after the initial pain!

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I challenged virginity auctioner Elizabeth Raine on the validity of virginity testing and something amazing happened

Last week, I did an interview with Elizabeth Raine, the American woman who is offering her ‘virginity’ for auction. I enjoyed talking to her about the myths inherent in these kinds of auctions: placing value on a social construct, the fact that what’s really being auctioned is ‘first penis in,’ and the enduring and dangerous myth of the hymen’s relationship to a woman’s sexual history.

In fact, I called her out her claim that she could prove her virginity through a test. She responded by doing something amazing. She wrote a post on her blog that included the following lines:

Even among virgins, the doctor cannot always prove virginity.

The absence of an “intact” hymen never proves the absence of virginity.

And many virgins do not bleed or even feel discomfort at first penetration.

And then this statement at the end:

If you are someone who is disappointed by this news, I am so very sorry (yes, that was sarcasm). I am aware that some people want to know with certainty whether or not our young women are virgins, but whoever once said “you can’t always get what you want” was really onto something. So, instead, why don’t we stop terrorizing these girls unnecessarily – it is the height of unreasonable to dictate a bride bleed on her wedding night or pass a gynecological examination (for a virgin whore, it is a bit more reasonable). And if you are someone who would punish a woman for not doing so, then you are a big part of what is wrong with this world. And I would suggest you change yourself, a lot, immediately. You might begin by getting your facts straight on hymens.

I have some issues with her assertion that in her case it can be proven, but volunteering for exams and lie detector tests seems to be a standard component of Virginity Auction Theater at this point. Having said that, I really appreciated her doing some outreach/education for the benefit of misguided (and worse) people who still think hymens have anything to do with anything (checking a guy’s testicles will give you just as much information on his history…none).

Her bidding opened today, complete with extensive terms and conditions (including not penetrating the anus of the Virgin, or treating her violently). So for those people so in thrall of the virgin/whore dichotomy that they place a premium on ‘first penis in’ and want to pay someone for it, she awaits your bids.

Posted in Defining virginity, Hymenology, Older virgins, Sex education, Sex Work, Virgin/Whore, Virginity Auctions, virgnity testing | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

V-Card Diaries: Harriet “This makes me sound like a brainless, heartless monster, but someone ought to know the whole story”

Our latest V-Card Diaries comes from Harriet in England, who feels like she lost her innocence by cheating on her boyfriend, not performing an act for the first time. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. We’d love to run it in this blog.

A little about myself:

I’m a 19 year old female student from England.

How I define virginity:

For general purpose in conversation I’d have to say the historic “penis in vagina” definition is the one I’d use, but in my own case I think I stopped considering myself a virgin when I discovered I had the power to make a guy cum. The way it was the popular girls at school, who lost their virginity first, made me assume it was all about power, I suppose. I still think it’s about power, but power of the self, to direct yourself to the voices you should be regarding and no longer define your own experience in someone else’s terms because that’s all you have.

Here’s my story:

In the physical sense, I lost my virginity when I was 17 to my still-boyfriend, who I’d been with for about a month at the time. He wasn’t a virgin, and, I didn’t realize until afterwards, assumed that I wasn’t either, and while I’ve not actually lied about it, I never got around to setting him straight about that. I do think occasionally that I ought to tell him, but that first time makes up such a small part of our experience together now, and the longer it goes on the more difficult it would be to explain why I didn’t just say so in the first place.

It definitely isn’t as simple as “now you are, now you aren’t”, though. Every new sexual experience is another apple taken from the tree.

I’ve read quite a few of the posts on here and am surprised that no one seems to talk about cheating on their partners, because surely this is one of the few places you could freely admit to it, try to contextualise it, and I think peoples’ ideas of what’s important to a relationship, what’s important to themselves as part of that relationship, and what’s important to the self they have that isn’t a part of the relationship.

I have done it and feel all the shame and self-loathing that health class teachers seem to want us to associate with sex. On more than one occasion, what happened sounded exactly like stories other people have called rape, but I didn’t define it that way. Once I’d (been as drunk as you possibly can be without being unconscious and) had consenting sex with someone that wasn’t my boyfriend, something I thought I’d never ever do, I had a crisis of confidence in my own judgement in all aspects of life; if my boundaries weren’t where I’d left them, then where were they? And how did they get there?

These experiences with other guys have imprinted on my mind as losses of virginity much more than any of the first times I’d performed this or that act. In this context, loss of virginity is in a rather traditional, austere sense as “loss of innocence”. I don’t think I’ll ever find a way to reconcile having done these things, but it has highlighted to me how different sex can be in different situations; within a loving relationship, with your flatmate who turns out to have a huge, un-reciprocated crush on you, with your attractive friend you always knew it was risky to get drunk with, with the achingly arrogant singer in some band who play the London circuit, and with his best friend who takes it upon himself to turn things into a threesome. All of this makes me sound like a brainless, heartless monster, but someone ought to know the whole story.

Posted in college life, Defining virginity, Losing It, Sexual Assault, V-Card Diaries | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

An interview with Elizabeth Raine, America’s latest virginity auctioner

Raine

I just did an interview for Nerve.com with 27-year-old American medical student Elizabeth Raine, who is putting her “virginity” up for auction on April 1st. Readers of this blog know I’ve been following this phenomenon for years, and like every other woman doing this kind of thing, she’s getting a lot of sleazy, breathless tabloid coverage. I was glad to learn a bit more about her, and to talk to her about how virginity auctions affect how we value women for their sexual status, and how they perpetuate virginity myths and stereotypes.

As I say in the intro, I talked to Liz about the kind of guy who’d pay good money to be the “first penis in,” why you can’t prove a woman isn’t a virgin, and how to negotiate boundaries when your first sexual experience is with a total stranger. Here’s a short excerpt where we get into some of the issues, but please read the whole thing at Nerve.

Which brings me to the question of what “virginity” means to you. What are you auctioning?
I think losing virginity is having heterosexual intercourse for the first time. If you are referring to another type of intercourse it needs to be clarified, for instance “I lost my oral virginity.”

So what do you think the appeal or fascination is for a guy? What do you think they think they’re buying?
For some reason or another it is a sexual fantasy [to have a virgin]. In some cases, I think they want to take on the role of sexual teacher. In others, they just want to try something new. And then there are some men who are just attracted to the idea of an untouched woman.

I always assumed it was the desire for “first penis in” like planting your flag on uncharted territory or something. 
Men are very competitive and territorial creatures.

I sometimes think that if men are stupid enough to pay for a social construct, let them.
I can’t disagree with that.

I really hate the mythology virginity auctions perpetuate. As long as there hasn’t been a penis inside a woman, she and her body have value. But once that happens, she has none. No one auctions off the second time they have intercourse. 
Well that’s not necessarily true, women with all levels of sexual experience are selling sex somewhere. I’m not saying that makes it right, but I do think it is more of a continuum than you think. Men preferring less ‘promiscuous’ women is not a phenomenon limited to virgins.

They are, but adding the #virginity seems to increase the value exponentially. I’m not sure Natalie would have gotten much interest if she had already had intercourse and was offering the second time to a lucky bidder. Do you?
I agree the value is inflated. Here is one more idea: The first time is a mystery. So, being in the position of the virgin, if you are going to lose it under these circumstances, it should pay well.

Posted in Defining virginity, Hymenology, Losing It, Older virgins, Sex Work, Virginity Auctions, virgnity testing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

V-Card Diaries: Alyssa “I think I might be asexual, because I never have any urges for sexual pleasure.”

Our latest V-Card Diaries comes from Alyssa in New York who feels pressure, especially in college, to lose her virginity. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. We’d love to run it in this blog.

A little about myself:

19, Female, New York, College Student, Virgin, Asexual.

How I define virginity:

The physical act of intercourse. Doesn’t necessarily require love or lust.

Here’s my story:

I’ve been on dates and have had a few flings and hookups in my lifetime but I have never had the opportunity to lose my vaginal virginity. I think I might be asexual, because I never have any urges for sexual pleasure. I’m worried this is something I am going to grow out of later in my life and that I will want to start having sex with guys. I want to lose my virginity before that because of the social pressures of the modern world surrounding virginity; that there must be something “wrong” with us if we’re still virgins when the majority of our peers are not.

Being in college, that is the case right now. Everything is about sex and I’m behind the game. The problem is, I want my first time having sex to be meaningful and with someone I have sexual feeling for. The thing is that this can’t happen if I’m not receiving any sexual feelings. I don’t feel like I can wait to start getting these feelings, because that may be a number of years from now.

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V-Card Diaries: Fern Lady “When I was around 5 years old, I hated clothes. That was my most exploratory time so far in my life.”

Our latest V-Card Diaries comes from Fern Lady in Berkeley, California, who had her most exploratory time when she was 5-7 years old, but never had a lover or seen a naked man after that. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. We’d love to run it in this blog.

A little about myself:

I am a 32-year-old woman. My hometown is Berkeley, California. I love every thing about the natural world and arts and crafts. I have been thinking/feeling out my experience in the world as a woman plus how I feel about my sexuality. I certainly identify as a woman and feel happy I was born a girl.

How I define virginity:

I feel it is tough for me to define, yet I do feel I am one. It’s complex and confusing, and changes from person to person. I am still defining exactly what virginity is to me. I have experienced hugs and kisses on the cheek with family and friends. I have never had a lover of either gender, but am pretty sure I tend to be attracted to men. Friends, family, and community have been my life.

Here’s my story:

When I was a young girl, I was very free of fear about my body and sexual exploration. When I was around 5-7 years old I hated clothes! I loved and relished going in my backyard totally nude. Sometimes my parents would say it was cold and to put clothes on. I’d come back out in a bathing suit only! I also took baths with the first boy I was friends with. We were one month apart in age. Then we began to explore the one area that was different on each other’s bodies, again around five years/same age range as I mentioned before. That was my most exploratory time so far in my life. I have never had a lover or even seen a naked man. Sometimes I think of sex a lot and have an internal desire, but never act on it or risk losing what I consider virginity. Maybe someday my feelings will change.

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V-Card Diaries: Xyla “We had seen each other completely naked. It was hard to see how anything could be more intimate than that.”

Our latest V-Card Diaries comes from Xyla in the Great Lakes region. She thinks young people should have fun, but most of all should be kind to each other. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. We’d love to run it in this blog.

A little about myself:

I’m 42, female, and happily married to the man to whom I lost my virginity in college at age 19. I live in the Great Lakes region.

How I define virginity:

As a teenager, I saw it as synonymous with virtue and purity, but over the years I’ve come to see it more as a lack of knowledge and experience. And knowledge is power.

Here’s my story:

I fell in love with my future husband when we were both sophomores. We fooled around quite a bit, but we were both kind of under the impression that if we became more intimate, we would be obligated to get married.

The night it happened, we didn’t actually have intercourse. We were kissing on his bed in his dorm room, and I let him begin to undress me. I’d let him unfasten my bra, and then he said, “I need to see all of you,” and slipped off my panties, too. I still can’t describe how that felt, except that something like “Here we go…” went through my mind.

And then he stripped off his clothes, too, and lay there naked with me. He said, “There. Now you’ve seen me.” We spent the night like that, touching each other, feeling our bodies against each other. We didn’t have intercourse, because I was not on the Pill and was afraid of getting pregnant. But when we did so, about a year later, it felt like a kind of afterthought. We had seen each other completely naked. It was hard to see how anything could be more intimate than that. Even now, memories of feeling warm and deeply loved and euphoric still come flooding back to me from time to time. The thought of that kind of intimacy with any other man is really unimaginable for me. That night we became part of each other.

In the morning, he proposed to me, and I accepted. I think that for him it was partly a result of that warm euphoric haze, and partly a result of guilt, because his previous relationship had ended badly; she was emotionally abusive and made him aware of all his supposed “deficiencies,” both moral and sexual, when he broke up with her–and he took her railings to heart. He was so afraid of hurting me that he committed to me prematurely as a result.

But I had decided long before that when I lost my virginity, it would not be as a result of the kind of casual drunken hookup had by other girls in my dorm–it would be with a man with whom I could see spending my life and having children. I loved him, and it was clear he loved and respected me, and that has only deepened for both of us over the years.

But we were very, very lucky. The infatuation could have worn off instead of turning into something more genuine. We were still children when we married at 22 and had a lot of growing up to do, and, like many of our friends, we could have grown apart instead of together. I would far rather see young women lose their virginity casually–but fully consensually, to partners who respect and care about them and want them to enjoy sex–than end up making promises that they cannot–or more, importantly, should not–keep.

So although everything turned out fine for us: kids, don’t do what we did. Have fun. Take precautions, but don’t take it more seriously than you should. You don’t have to be married, engaged, or even in love, but, as Kurt Vonnegut once said, “Goddamn it, you’ve got to be kind.”

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V-Card Diaries: Chaser “When I came out, my definitions of virginity had to change. What counts if you don’t have a penis involved?”

Our latest V-Card Diaries comes from Chaser in the US. Although she is religious and becoming a pastor, she felt never pressure from the church to abstain. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. We’d love to run it in this blog.

A little about myself:

I am a 27 year old bisexual female living in the US. I’m in graduate school to become a pastor and know several other virgins at school (although most people here are not). I am both liberal and religious but have never felt pressure from my parents or church to abstain.

How I define virginity:

I think of sexual activity as a spectrum, meaning there’s a difference between being sexual and “having sex.” While I do believe penetration of some kind (penis, fingers, tongue, strap-on) does count as the “having sex” end of the spectrum, I also believe in the importance of each person figuring out their own definition and having conversations with their partners about what sex is/means and what they feel comfortable doing. I think that sex is more complicated than PIV, even for straight people. I also don’t think that EVERYTHING sexual is “sex.” There are layers and levels.

Here’s my story:

For a kid who had been going to Sunday School since she was 8, I never felt the Church pressuring me not to have sex. In fact, it’s given me some of the best lessons on how how to have the safest (loving, connected, well communicated, protected from disease and pregnancy) sex. The choice not to have sex was mine and always has been. As a teenager, I decided that I didn’t want to have sex until marriage because, at the time, marriage symbolized unwavering commitment and sex symbolized ultimate connection. As I’ve gotten older, I’m unsure if marriage is really the goal (or if it’s even on the table), but the reasons for not having sex have shifted. It’s been about trust issues, about having waited so long that I want it to be worth it, about not being able to find anyone. Now, it’s about specialness: Sex has meaning to me that hasn’t been broken, and I don’t want to risk breaking it.

When I came out, my definitions of virginity had to change. What counts if you don’t have a penis involved? What counts on men but not on women? Women but not on men? In the end, I looked at what I felt counted for one and for the other and decided that those are the things that should count for everyone I date. It shouldn’t be about gender/sex or what sexual organs someone has; what counts counts.

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V-Card Diaries: Jennifer “I lost my virginity when I was 20, before I even went on my first date.”

Our latest V-Card Diaries comes from Jennifer in North Carolina, who broke free of her religious upbringing and came to terms with her body being HER body. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. We’d love to run it in this blog.

A little about myself:

I’m 24, from North Carolina. I was raised very conservatively and did not choose to allow a man to be with me until I was 20, after I had broken free of my religious upbringing and come to terms with my body being MY body. I was raped when I was 19 but do not consider that to be my virginity. I am now active in women’s rights and strongly believe that this is my body and I can do whatever I want to with it.

How I define virginity:

I do not believe there is a correct definition of virginity, it is different for everyone, as it should be. The only important thing is that you know you lose your virginity when you choose to, no one can forcefully take it from you. If you consider your virginity to be the first time you received oral sex, then that’s it. If you think it’s the first time you had intercourse, then that’s it… it is up to each individual to define for their own body.

Here’s my story:

I lost my virginity when I was 20, before I even went on my first date. I was at a guy’s house who had planned a date with me for the next day, and as it got late we started to kiss (my first kiss as well) and one thing led to another. It was great and I don’t regret it, I did not feel uncomfortable or nervous like many of my friends did because I waited until I was ready to do it instead of doing it just to get it done.

Posted in abstinence, Defining virginity, Losing It, Religion, Sexual Assault, V-Card Diaries | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

V-Card Diaries: Mitch “I was sure I was the oldest male virgin outside of the Vatican.”

Our latest V-Card Diaries comes from Mitch in the US. He lost his virginity with a woman he met at a single event and  is glad it happened with a woman he cared about. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. We’d love to run it in this blog.

A little about myself:

I’m a 40s male in America.

How I define virginity:

Never having had sexual intercourse (vaginal for heterosexuals and anal for homosexuals).

Here’s my story:

On my 21st birthday, I was downright depressed. I was sure I was the oldest male virgin outside of the Vatican. It’s not like today when you can get on the internet, google “adult male virgins” and wool ah you have all these forums and blogs where you can see for yourself that you are not alone or the oldest.

I really thought I was alone. Nor did it seem like there was any hope. I thought my chances of losing my virginity that year were about as high as winning the freaking lottery. I was beside myself. What was wrong with me? I might have been on the short side, but I wasn’t bad looking. I was athletic, smart, clean shaven, dressed pretty decently, and even opened up more socially (by pledging a fraternity). Yet, I was going nowhere with women and the prospect of losing my virginity seemed like a modern miracle to me.

Then….Lo’ and behold….the summer between my junior and senior year of college, when I was in my hometown for the summer, *it* happened.

Well, it didn’t “just happen.” I was proactive, got off my lonely, lazy arse and went to a singles event for 21+. Honestly, I did not go to these singles events with the purpose of “getting laid” or even finding a girl friend for that matter. I just wanted to try something different and meet other people. So, one Saturday night, I went. The first singles event I went to, I didn’t get a date out of it, let alone a girlfriend, but I did have a ball. We started out hanging out at somebody’s apartment and eventually ended up at an adult disco-tech. One of the women from the event actually asked me if I wanted to dance. She was 28 (a bit older) and she smoked, which kind of turned me off, but I did enjoy dancing with her. It felt great to get out there and I felt like I was shedding a good chunk of my shell off. I came home that night pretty satisfied.

The next Saturday night, I went again. This time we started out in a restaurant. We were all sitting around the table. This woman and I started talking. For the purpose of staying anonymous, I will call her Rachel. I can’t remember if she started talking to me first or the other way around, but we seemed to hit it off, although I didn’t think anything of it at the time. From the restaurant, we progressed to the same disco-tech as the week before. We didn’t stay as late as the week before and ended up at somebody’s apartment. Rachel and I traded numbers and then I went back home. Still no date or girlfriend, but I felt satisfied that I was at least doing something different from my routine, putting myself out there, and meeting new people.

Then, then next day Rachel called me. She actually called me and asked me out on a date. And so we went out. On our first date, we went out to eat and then to a movie. During the movie, Rachel started grabbing my hand. At the end of the movie, she kissed me on the lips!!!! I was thinking, “Is this happening to me?!?!”. I thought I was going to faint, but I managed to hold my own and kiss her back. We drove back to her place, I walked her to her door, and kissed her goodnight. I couldn’t believe it. This was for real!!!!

To make a long story short, we dated for about five weeks before making plans for the “big day.”. We booked a room at a hotel near an amusement park. I couldn’t believe it. *It* was going to happen. I knew it was for real when I told my parents about this planned “get away” with my girlfriend and told my work that I needed a couple of days off. I don’t remember too much of the drive to the hotel (it was about four hours), but by the time we got to the hotel it was close to midnight. Both of us were wiped. The next morning we woke up and started kissing. Without getting into too much more details, before we knew it we were both naked and that’s when I reached for the condom. Rachel helped me put it on and then I got on top of her. She also needed to help guide me in, if you know what I mean.

Rachel knew I was a virgin. I had told her a couple of weeks before. So, I didn’t catch her off guard. I was her fifth or sixth sex partner, so she had experience. I had trouble coming. For some reason, try as I did, I could not reach climax (it took me a few times until I was able to). Rachel sure did though (unless she was faking it). At any rate, it happened!!!! I lost my V-card. I was 21 years, 6 months, and 26 days old. Rachel has just celebrated her 23rd birthday 17 days before, so this was like a birthday gift for her (the trip and my giving her my virginity).

The best part is that my first time was not with a prostitute. It wasn’t even a one night stand. It was with a woman I cared about and who cared about me and even went out with for a year and a half. True, we broke up after a year and a half, but at least we had a long term relationship. Rachel moved on and I moved on, but I will never forget her.

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V-Card Diaries: Caroline “As we were lying on his couch together after, we high-fived.”

Our latest V-Card Diaries comes from Caroline in North Jersey. After some pizza interference she lost her virginity to her boyfriend in his basement. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. We’d love to run it in this blog.

A little about myself:

I’m 18 and from North Jersey.

How I define virginity:

I’ve always thought of virginity as the first time you have intercourse.

Here’s my story:

When I was 16 my boyfriend and I decided we wanted to have sex by me jokingly asking him to get a condom and then both of us realizing we were ready to do it. We were on the couch in his basement and we were just about ready to lose it (he was putting the condom on, safety first!) when his sister called from upstairs to see if we were there.

He freaked out and we both went upstairs. His sister and her boyfriend asked if we want food. Her boyfriend said “He’ll need it when they’re done” with a wink and we all laughed. We all ordered pizza and he and I returned to the basement to try again. We got to the exact same spot (putting the condom on) when the pizza guy rang the doorbell. Seriously dude?!

We ate pizza with his sister and her boyfriend and my boyfriend and I could not keep straight faces. After eating we went back downstairs and actually did it. As we were lying on his couch together after, we high-fived.

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Best eBay auction ever: Pre-owned Purity Ring for sale, proceeds go to Planned Parenthood

PurityRingEbay

Someone brilliant* is selling their old purity ring on eBay, with all proceeds going to Planned Parenthood of Los Angeles. It’s part of eBay’s Giving Works program, where you can designate your sale proceeds to a specific charity. Seems like a cool idea, and the actual item up for grabs is perfect.

The auctioner’s copy says

This purity ring has a double-band and is etched with True Love Will Wait. It’s gently used and looks like new. This isn’t weird. Really. It’s just that … how should I say this? … the ring is no longer needed. What do I have in common with Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, and Nick Jonas? They don’t wear their purity rings anymore, and neither do I. This ring will bring you good luck!

*Full disclosure: This auction is by one of my favorite feminism/sexuality rabble-rousers, and she acquired the ring not at her church’s youth group, but for ‘research purposes’ only. I think it’s genius and a great way for all of us to raise some cash for PPLA. Excuse me while I place a bid right now!

Posted in abstinence, Losing It, reproductive rights, Sex education, Virginity Pledge | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Responses

Sex guides for the religious give tips lots of us might benefit from

A while ago I wrote about an Orthodox Jewish sex guide designed for–and only for–married couples. I was really pleased there were resources out there for ultra-religious couples who often got no sex ed before they were married, and then were just expected to figure everything out afterwards.

Writer Anna Broadway, one of our blog contributors, just sent me an article she wrote inspired by that post. She chose selected quotes from that book, The Newlywed’s Guide to Physical Intimacy, as well as Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage, a book designed for Christians.

Granted, the books are intended for religious audiences that believe sex should happen ‘according to God’s plan,’ in other words, only in heterosexual marriages, and so leave out a big chunk of the sex-having population (This is an issue that’s been covered a lot on this blog already so I won’t get into it here.) So, I’m not saying run out and buy it, but check out some of these useful and healthy thoughts, good for different kinds of sexual relationships, and most especially new ones:

On masturbation:

“It is important that each bride, through her exploration of her vulvar area, either alone or with her husband, gets to know the kind of caress most enjoyable to her so she can teach it to her husband.”

On unrealistic expectations:

“Nobody’s sex life is such that every experience is a ten.”

On entering a sexual relationship gradually:

“Spend as much time as you need just getting comfortable with each other. . . . No matter how much you know theoretically about how men and women are built, your husband or wife is different from any other person on the planet, so fitting together sexually may take you some time to figure out. This is done most easily with patience, gentleness, and understanding.”

This bit of advice on how and what to share was well-intentioned, but I had a problem with it:

“Going into specifics [of past experiences] causes far more problems than it solves. Generally speaking, don’t share past sexual secrets. All this does is raise insecurity; suddenly the conversation switches from ‘I want to know everything about you’ to something much, much uglier: ‘What do you mean you did it three times in one night?’ ‘I thought the hot tub idea was ours!’… It is a gift to your spouse to let some memories die in the past and remain only with you.” (Sheet Music)

Sharing past experiences is a thorny issue. Maybe we don’t need to spill every detail of a five-some in Greece ten years ago, but sometimes we need to be able to share things from our past, and also importantly, to listen and hear to our partners’ stories without judgement. There’s way too much shame about sexual histories already. Let’s not add any more fuel to the fire.

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V-Card Diaries: Joy “During the day my parents told me only whores had sex before marriage, but at night my mom gave me “lessons”.”

Our latest V-Card Diaries comes from Joy in the US, who hopes she can find a guy who can navigate her difficult past in a dysfunctional home. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. We’d love to run it in this blog.

A little about myself:

I’m 26-year-old woman from the States. I’ve lived in 10 different states and a foreign country in my life. And I’m planning on moving to my 11th state in a few months.

How I define virginity: 

I’m still trying to figure that out…if we use the traditional vaginal penetration definition I am technically a virgin though I have never felt “pure” (whatever the hell that means).

Here’s my story:

I grew up in a very dysfunctional home. My mom was an alcoholic who, after I turned nine, would tell me EXACTLY how I was supposed to please a guy. I mean exactly all the things you wish your parents would pretend they didn’t know or ever do, yeah, she told me about them. But at the same time my dad was an elder at the VERY conservative church I grew up in and I was sent to equally conservative christian schools.

So I grew up really confused. During the day my parents told me that only whores had sex before marriage, but at night my mom gave me “lessons.”

In high school when everyone one was dating and having their first time I looked at my world and thought “I’m not even mature enough to deal with this I can’t bring someone else into it.” So I just avoided guys. When I got to college (also a nice conservative Christian school) I got really interested in this guy who said all the right things but deep down I was a little afraid of him. Turns out that fear was for a very good reason. One night we were making out down by the lake on campus and he sexually assaulted me. He was the first guy I ever let get close to me.

After that I swore off guys. I got a lot of good therapy and wonderful friends who’ve helped me sort through a lot of this baggage. So now I’m 26, finally in a stable place, and I feel good about myself, but I have no idea how to attract a guy since I’ve spent most of my life avoiding them. And if by some miracle a guy happens to come around I’m afraid I’ll scare him off if I tell him I got sex lessons from my mother, I have church bullshit baggage about sex, and well yeah the first boyfriend I had left me with enough scars to scare anyone away. To top that all of I’m headed to seminary to become a pastor this fall. So I kind a feel like my love life is doomed. Though I’m still a Christian I’m far from a conservative. I have no problem with people having sex outside of marriage and would love to do that. But I tell a guy I’m going to seminary and its like someone through an ice bucket over him.

I really hope that there is a guy (or 2 or 3) that somehow can navigate all of that with me because I really don’t want to die not experiencing the goodness of sex.

Posted in abstinence, college life, Older virgins, Religion, Sexual Assault, V-Card Diaries, Virginity Pledge | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

“If you could sum up your first sexual experience in a SFW gif, what would it be?”

 

These are hilarious. They came from an askreddit post that asked “If you could sum up your first sexual experience in a SFW gif, what would it be?” Points for not ALL being penis-in-vagina allegories. My personal favorite is the kitty with the banana, but I can’t resist a good cat gif. Which is your favorite? You can see more here

 

RbKkz47

Posted in Losing It, male virginity, video | 1 Response

Ask Trixie: My husband is more sexually experienced and I feel insecure.

From time to time we get letters with questions about virginity, sex, relationships, feminism or filmmaking, and we answer them here. Got a question of your own? Ask Trixie here.

My husband and I maintain an open dialogue on everything, including sex. He reminds me that our relationship, and now marriage, is unique because of the home, present, and future we’ve created together. Still, I have insecurities about sex because he has been with 7 other women before me. I try to make myself feel better because I guess he was considered a “born-again virgin” when we first had sex in August 2012 (he hadn’t had sex for about a year and a half). Do you have some advice on how I can feel more secure about myself in our sexual relationship?–May

Hi May!

First of all, the fact that you have a open dialogue with your husband is great, and so I have to assume that your insecurities don’t stem from a husband who feels you’re not experienced enough because he was the first person you had intercourse with.

So, let’s talk about what’s going on with you. In a separate email, you told me about your relationship with your high school boyfriend, which progressed from hand holding to oral sex. Becoming sexual is a long process and it doesn’t begin and end the first time you have intercourse. Sex can encompass so many different kinds of intimate acts, and it sounds like you had a pretty intense sexual relationship with your former boyfriend.

I’ll bet there are all sorts of ways that that older relationship made you a bit more experienced, just like your husband’s previous partners gave him experience. You learned things you liked and didn’t like and learned a few things about communication. Eventually your and your husband’s separate sexual timelines converged into your life together (intimate and otherwise).

Having said all that, it’s not clear what your specific insecurity is. Do you feel you lack skills? Practice makes perfect and it sounds like your husband would be down for some experimentation. Do you feel like you missed out on having other partners before you became exclusive with your husband? There are ways to explore having sex with someone else in an open marriage, however that’s not an option everyone. Or perhaps it’s something else. Most importantly, congratulations for finding a partner you can work through this with, and best of luck!

–Trixie

Posted in abstinence, Ask Trixie, Losing It, Virginity Pledge | 1 Response

V-Card Diaries: Cas “I was abused, sometimes in front of the teacher, with no intervention.”

**Trigger warning for sexual assault and self-harm** Our latest V-Card Diaries comes from Cas in Edmonton, Canada, who was sexually abused at age six and raped at age twelve. Now, at fifteen, Cas is no longer afraid. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. We’d love to run it in this blog.

A little about myself:

I’m a fifteen-year-old genderqueer individual residing in Edmonton, Alberta. I’m currently supporting myself and working a full time job.

How I define virginity:

Virginity is a social concept reaching back into the ages where women were property and ‘virgins’ worth more than those who were ‘tainted.’

Here’s my story:

At age six I was sexually abused. This was my first introduction into sexual intercourse. I know it involved oral rape. That is all I care to remember.

I moved from my home town to Texas when I was ten.

At age twelve I was raped by the boys in my school. I was grabbed, I was abused, sometimes in front of the teacher, with no intervention. I was told I deserved it. No one deserves that torture. Due to intense bullying and a complete lack of social support, I attempted suicide. I was sent to a mental facility for ten days, and outpatient therapy for three months. I did not divulge the information regarding my sexual abuse, largely due to the fact that I had repressed many of the memories. Later that year I moved back.

I was not raped again, but my social skills were destroyed, my trust in masculine figures nonexistent. And my parents were on the edge of divorce as I dealt with kids throwing apples, rocks, pine cones, and pens at me. They also grabbed my breasts and backside, and told me I was oversensitive when I screamed at them never to touch me. I attempted suicide twice that year, both failed.

Fourteen, first consensual kiss. Back to school. School is not bad, but I am suffering from flashbacks and nightmares, and severe depression. Fifteen, November, I attempt suicide a final time. I am in the hospital for a week for potential liver failure. Then, I leave.

This is all essential to my sexual history. A month after I move out, I have my first orgasm. My sexual début was with a nineteen year old girl, and a dildo. It was very nice. Three months later, a man and I engage in sexual intercourse. And I am no longer afraid.

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V-Card Diaries: Late Blooming Lesbian “My ring went from ‘True Love Waits’ to ‘I’m an adult who can make adult decisions’ “

Our latest V-Card Diaries comes from Late Blooming Lesbian in Texas, who started dating late, but knows she is a lesbian through and through. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. We’d love to run it in this blog.

A little about myself:
25, Female, Texas

How I define virginity?

Lack of penetrative sex

Here’s my story:

I have had 3 boyfriends and 1 girlfriend. Weird, right, especially since my name clearly says LESBIAN? Ha ha. Well, I grew up in a fairly religious home and was “saving myself,”even had a ring from my dad that said “true love waits.” I got it at 13 and lost my V-Card at 24.

I didn’t date in high school. I was concerned with academics and socializing. I lived vicariously through friends experiences of sex and other things of that nature. It all just seemed complicated and messy. I had too many friends lose out on things like friends, a high school degree and even their home due to sex. I knew what it all was, as my mom had gone over it at appropriate stages and in terms I understood. I did however delve into the world of cyber sex. That was my outlet.

There I could be anything I wanted and do anything to any one. I discovered the best way to describe a blow job, how I would undress myself or them if I was there, and sex. I had watched porn and, in true nerd fashion, a 12 part documentary about sex. I was amazing… in writing. I wrote nightly erotic that would make anyone blush. I would then start to allow myself to watch porn simultaneously to chatting with these guys. They almost always picked girl on girl. I was totally ok with that cause that is what got me off. But my upbringing never encouraged sexiness. I wore very little make up and conducted myself as the jeans and a t-shirt gal who was so cool she was one of the guys.

After high school I dated a friend, T, for 2 months. We never got any further than him being my first kiss, yes, at 18. I went off to college and again I was too concerned with other things and the thought that some magical person would approach me , woo me and screw me. I didn’t date anyone until E. When I really think about it, I have always been attracted to women but I was never brave enough to say anything other than ogle them from afar or in porn. E lucked out because even though I wasn’t necessarily sexually attracted to him, he showed me that attention; crowning him the first to do so. I ate that up! I suddenly, for the first time, felt sexy. I saw myself in a whole new light. Albeit I never had “sex”, I had had one drunken encounter with T, months before E, that almost led to it but I wasn’t really into it. So I have him a handy and rolled over to sleep. A few months in to my relationship with E, I realized that my ring on my finger had changed meaning for me. It had gone from “true love waits” to “I’m an adult who can make adult decisions”. So on to Planned Parenthood to get on the pill. Fast forward through drama and heart ache, I never needed it, now 22 and still a virgin. 2 years alone and some self discovery later I say to myself “I wanna go to a gay club and see what I can pull, cause F this, I wanna be happy!” Never went but I met my wonderful lovely amazing girlfriend.

Now those of you who are this far I’m sure are thinking, ” didn’t she say 3 boys and 1 girl…” Yes I did. I met my girlfriend at work and my kinda boyfriend there too. I was talking to her, R, and met her best friend BB. She and I hit it off and were inseparable from day one. Well, BB took an interest and I had confided in R that, while I was super into her, I hadn’t been with anyone, at all. She then made a plan: I date them both, shared time and such, to see where I stood.

R took my V-Card. We were at her parents house. I met them as the friend. We went out drinking and got loose and comfy. We had only kissed and touched a little beforehand. But this was the big night. I was so excited because she turned me on in a way I never felt or knew possible. When we got back we changed and laid down, really casually. We started slowly and sweetly, just kissing, until she made a move and blew my mind. I was experiencing feelings and emotions I had never had. She “kissed her” as we like to call going down on one another. It was amazing! Who knew! I wasn’t ready to give back like that but I was eager to touch and feel.

I knew where I wanted to be but BB was so into me and I kinda wanted to “make sure” I guess, or I just liked being the center of attention, no to mention sexual attention. It went on for about a month or so, and a three-some was brought up and attempted, but not until I broke it off with him. It was my birthday present to him, thoughtful friend, I know. As I had already had a form of sex, my girlfriend was a little nervous that I would like “the real thing” more. She purchased a strap-on. We used it and boy that was even more amazing. I found I am surely not quiet. BBs birthday rolled around and his present was given. I found myself grabbing, staring, and longing for R, not him. He finally “put it in” and nothing. Nothing! I was not excited or anything. I was as quiet as a mouse. He did his thing and I tried to enjoy it but when he was done I rolled over to R and proclaimed, I’m a lesbian, through and through.

Posted in abstinence, Losing It, Older virgins, Porn, Queer, Religion, V-Card Diaries | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Does the thought of another looming Valentine’s Day make you want to curl up in a little ball? Scarleteen can help.

Scarleteen Valentine for me  Scarleteen Valentine for your vibrator

For a lot of people, Valentine’s Day sucks. All those pictures of couples in love eating chocolate off each others’ bodies while lying on a bed of  roses gets annoying really fast. When I was single, I used to host a Valentine’s Day party that only single people could attend, so we could all have something fun to do that night. I’m married now, but I’m spending this Feb. 14th with my best Galentine, having dinner and watching our imaginary boyfriend Idlar Abdrazakov sing.

So what I’m saying is, don’t fall for the hype…and let Scarleteen help. Readers of this blog know how much we adore this sex ed site (and so do others – they get a gagillion hits a day). Not only have they taught us a lot about sexuality, but founder Heather Corinna is one of the best things in How To Lose Your Virginity (and we’re proud that her language was salty enough to be bleeped several times on our TV broadcast on Fusion!)

Now Scarleteen has launched a collection of Valentine’s Day e-cards that span a huge range of relationships not usually covered by your standard hearts and flowers:

There’s a big range of interactions and relationships that can all be healthy, happy and involve love — or like, lust, or even I-don’t-know-yet-what-this-is-yet-but-it-sure-is-fun-so-far — not just one kind of relationship. Hookups or friends with benefits, open or poly relationships, friendships, sexual monogamy, love relationships without sex, exes turned friends, and even the love relationship one has with oneself can all potentially be sweet, caring, beneficial and meaningful for the people within them.

Scarleteen friends with benefits valentine  Scarleteen No Big Deal valentine

Send one or more of these to all the special people and sex toys in your life, and while you’re at it, consider supporting Scarleteen in the incredibly important work they do. We here at Trixie Films support them every month, and it’s so worth it. Scarleteen has been providing inclusive, informative and progressive sex education to millions of young people every year since 1998 and they’ve have never had any federal, state, institutional or foundational funding. They pay their bills solely with the help of independent donors.

To donate through Paypal, click here, or to do so through Network for Good, click here. Both means of donating accept credit/debit cards or Paypal funds. For a tax-deductible donation, Network for Good is the way to go.

Thanks so much for your supporting this amazing and vitally important site!

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Posted in Polyamory, Queer, Sex education, This Film | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment