website statistics

Lube & Lighting: Ten Things to Know Before Losing Your Virginity

The Times of London recently published a list of Ten Things To Know Before Losing Your Virginity. With all due respect, here's our Former Fundementalist with a few important things they left out...I don't mean to dismiss the informative and precautionary aspects of this list, but these don't come anywhere close to what I wish I would have known before losing my virginity. This article focuses its aim on the "no duh", boring and fear-baiting things, but I will give you the hot sex dope of what you really need to know. Take it from me, my first time blewwww.
1) It hurts when you're dry as a bone. My husband ripped into me like I was his Christmas present. I'd recommend at least a few minutes of foreplay or just, ya know, wet-in-a-bottle: LUBE.

2) Make it special - not cheesy like Donna and David on 90210 - but don't drop your wedding dress to the ground in the middle of a sunny afternoon, throw yourself onto the unmade bed, scold the dog and spread your thighs. At the very least, make the goddamn bed ahead of time.

3) Don't build it up as THE END ALL BE ALL TO YOUR DAIRY QUEEN FANTASY OF LIFE. Sex is rad, but it isn't everything. Lowered expectations are clinch for a sucker like me who routinely builds up events (parties, meals, movies, losing her virginity, marriage) in her mind and then is violently crushed by the devastating reality those singular events hold.

4) I mentioned it hurt like a bitch already. But I can't emphasize enough: heavy petting (as my mother calls it).

5) Music would have been nice; I was lulled into torture by the sound of my newly betrothed grunting and his misinformed whispering, "You're just programmed to stop it. Let go. It's OK now." On second thought, considering the power music holds in associative memory, perhaps the lack of tunes saved me from potentially hating Pink Floyd.

6) Don't be afraid to really wait it out and do it how you want to. If your first-time fantasy takes place at night, then wait until it's dark out. I always wanted a night time wedding but my ex insisted we get married as early in the day as possible so we could get to the boning that much faster.

7) Try to keep it a secret from your parents, uncles, pastors, and school teachers. Leaving the church that day after we pledged eternal earthly damnation, everyone was giving us creepy eyes since they knew we were gonna get it on. That's just weird.

8) Encourage your partner to masturbate ahead of time. The more he masturbates, the longer he can go. Now, this one doesn't really apply to me since I wanted it over as soon as possible - which he obliged.

9) Try not to cry. If you follow the wet rule, you could probably escape crying. Crying makes it realll awkward.

10) I'm defiling my Christian roots here, but don't wait until you're married. Really. The event gets way too built up, and sex is another important way to get to know your partner. I knew in my heart that my lover was selfish, and self-promoting, but it wasn't until he slammed it into me that I could clearly see that about him in its raw glory.