Today we're highlighting 17-year-old Emma, who writes a blog called Magical Diarism. She talks to us about Unitarian sex ed and the social pitfalls of being a "dykey-looking" girl. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. Tell us about yourself: I'm 17, I live near the capital of Michigan, and I'm a bisexual female. I like any type of art, I spend a lot of time online, I can't wait to go to college, and I'm involved in my Unitarian Universalist church's youth group.
What is your definition of virginity? I'm not really sure at this point, because I haven't had a reason to think about it. I've never even been kissed or been in a relationship. I imagine that my first sexual experience will be with a woman, so "virginity" could mean a variety of acts. To me, the meaningful part is the intimacy. I'd also consider non-penetrative sex with a man to constitute the end of my virginity... as long as it's good!
Why have you decided to stay a virgin? The short answer is that hasn't been a decision. Some of the circumstances that led to it were choices–I focus on my schoolwork, et cetera–but I also am not really considered a sexy person by most people in my area and age group. I don't shave my legs because it's a stupid thing to do, and I give myself a haircut with my dad's electric razor, most recently with a 13mm blade. I wear cute dresses because I like them; but someone like me living around here, especially if I hate parties, isn't going to get a lot of people checking her out.
Another thing is that lot of my social activities either revolve around the church or around school. Unitarian Universalism is a religion that encourages a lot of openness about love and sex –I mean a lot; participating in our Our Whole Lives sex ed program was a life-changing experience for me, though I didn't know it at the time–but that doesn't mean that it's the best place to meet someone. I'm worried that I have some kind of undiagnosed social anxiety disorder that has kept me totally without relationship experience, although it's probably not true.
How have your dates/partners reacted? I don't date. Again, it's not my intention not to date; I don't have the confidence yet to be the pursuer in a relationship, and the only people who've asked me out have been people I couldn't possibly imagine a relationship with, like people who were vastly overestimating the idea that we were even friends.
I realized I was bisexual because I had a crush on a friend I thought was straight, who later came out to me as bisexual. But she moved away, and I couldn't communicate how much I liked her before she left. I think I actually said it once, but she didn't know I meant it. But who cares about her? That was so long ago. I actually just met a cute bi girl who is so, so fun to talk to, but I know that I don't have the self-confidence to ask her out. Since I missed the experimentation phase because the stupid people I share a town with don't hang out with dykey-looking girls, I don't even know how to ask someone out. What do you say? What do you ask to do? I just don't have any ideas.
Any special plans or ideas for losing it? I want my first time to be with another girl. I just feel like it'll be more intimate. This makes me not a true bisexual, I guess. I mean, I'd consider it with the right guy, but I just imagine it with a girl. And why not? I'm the one who gets to pick!
Anything else you want to say about virginity? I know I'm a bit young for it to be unusual that I'm a virgin, but I really wouldn't be surprised, if this blog is still going when I'm 22 or 25, if I'm not still a virgin then. Plus most people at 17 at least have been kissed, made out or whatever. I'm not a prude at all - I don't think! - but my life is complicated. My friends who just seem to know how to express their interest in someone don't know what a great thing they have going for them!