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V-Card Diaries: SM "Some asexuals deny the existence of an asexual virgin."

Today we're highlighting 19-year-old SM, who blogs at Aesexual Curiosities (that's the lovely British spelling, by the way). We met SM through AVEN, the Asexual Visibility and Education Network. Their website has information, forums and links for and about people who don't experience sexual attraction. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. I'm a 19-year-old male virgin who identifies as asexual. An asexual is someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction to anyone. It’s helpful to think of it as a sexual orientation, the natural other category with hetero-, homo- and bi-sexual.

I was asked to do a First Person post what now seems like a very long time ago. I thought that inspiration would come easily, that I had a lot to say on the topic. I’ve failed many times in writing this, and I now realise that I’ve got nothing.

Some asexuals deny the existence of an asexual virgin. The idea is that a virgin is someone waiting to have sex, defined by the fact that they haven’t had sex YET. And asexuals aren’t people who haven’t had sex yet-they’re people who aren’t going to have sex at all.

I’m not too sure about this definition myself; personally, I think I’m fully capable of having and enjoying sex, and vaguely plan to get round to it sometime in the future. Maybe. But the asexual community tends to give people like me space to decide that the virgin label really doesn’t matter.

So I sat down to write a detailed description of how the idea of virginity impacts me, and I realised it doesn’t, really. Sure, I can talk about the virginity paradigm in an abstracted sociological sense, but this blog already does that. Getting into my personal feelings on virginity was difficult. Ironically, given that I’ve already been through this when discovering my sexuality, I was failing to notice an absence of feelings.

I tend to disrupt virgin stereotypes; I happily play the ‘dirty-minded asexual’, comfortable with innuendos and sexuality. At this stage in my life, it’s not too surprising that I’m a virgin, as I grow older (if I remain a virgin), I think people won’t notice. So maybe the asexual exemption clause applies to me, too, I’m not stuck at a stage in the system- I’m outside the system. Not because I will never have sex, but because I don’t believe that my sexual history is a reflection of where I am as a sexual being.

Asexuality is quite introspective, and for me particularly, my sexuality is based more on what goes on inside my head than in my (non-existent) love life. I think I've escaped the need to validate my sexuality with what I do or don't do, it's just about what I feel or don't feel. I don’t believe (although I can’t be certain) that I will change after having sex, that I will feel fundamentally on new ground.