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If only there was a Lame Movie Help Line


Seen this ad for this upcoming film?
Bored as I am of the horndog-guy-trying-to-lose-virginity-before-college storyline?
Tired of being told that only freaks are still virgins when they enter college, that every 'normal' guy needs to bang a hot chick before graduation, lest the shame of his sexual lameness destroy the rest of his life?
Feeling strangled by Hollywood's unchanging definition of masculinity?
Wish this storyline wasn't churned out a dozen times a year and that people like Will Farrell, who produced this film, could find something more creative to do with his gifts? Like make Elf II?
Then don't call this number.

As a public service, here's a rundown of what happens when you call the 'Virgin Help Line' at 888-743-4335 (which is part of an ad campaign for the new movie The Virgnity Hit). A teenage-sounding guy named Zack comes on, welcomes you to the hotline and presents some options:

Press 1 if you're a virgin.
Press 2 if you’re friends of a virgin and want to help
Press 3 if you don’t know if you’re virgin or not.
Press 4 if you want your virginity back
Press 5 if you want to stay a virgin.
Press 6 if you want to hear Matt say a pickup line that makes girls swoon
Press 7 if you like to party.

Press 3 and you get clichés about guys who like wizards and play chess. Press 5 and you get some shit over your life choices. Press 6 to get a line about stealing a car and going to Mexico. And somewhere in there are assurances that any girl can lose their virginity so long as she's willing to lower her standards to the level of the guys' (nonexistent). So don't call them. Someone is for sure keeping track of the hits, and we don't want to give them any more encouragement.