Today we're highlighting 19-year-old Josey, who has talks about how being a victim of sexual abuse has affected her relationships today. We thank her for bravely sharing her story and hope other will be inspired to similarly seek help through therapy. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. Tell us about yourself:
I am a 19-year-old straight college student from California.
What is your definition of virginity?
I guess it's vaginal intercourse or anal. A dildo in the case of lesbians. Being "pure" seems completely different. If you do oral and whatnot you are no longer "pure." But I won't go into details with that.
Why have you chosen to remain a virgin?
First of all I have to say I have never been on a date. I assumed I was asexual until I met someone very special last year. He was in my Psychology class and we clicked right away. I was starting to get close to him right away. This is very rare for me. I thought about him every day. I had to hold back on what I told him because I am a very private person. I could not focus in my earlier class because I wanted to see him. I just loved him so much but I still had to protect myself. He liked me back and tried hanging out but I was vulnerable and I told him to get a girlfriend.
He did and I was heartbroken. I did not do this for no reason. I was so scared to say I had no experience. The other problem was I was not comfortable with any type of intimacy. I was molested when I was only 8. I told my mom but she looked at me and then went to go watch TV. I could not sleep after this event. I would ask her to help me but she would just hit me. I guess that was the event that that completely destroyed me.
I went to go see the school psychologist for 4 weeks and it helped me a lot. I don't think I will panic in such a way if an event like this happens again. Intimacy will probably be a big problem but I will take it slowly. For now I hope these feelings will not happen again because I feel that I don't want to deal with such a situation again. But if it does I will probably have to see the psychologist again but I'm okay with that. What my mother did will always stick with me.
I can't imagine falling in love like that again. I'm afraid the guy will go too fast and then cheat on me. I also don't want to tell him what happened to me when I was 8. That was also what I was afraid of saying to the guy I fell for last year. I guess I will have to wait it out and focus on my school.
I can't talk about how people have reacted to this because I don't go out and talk about it. People don't assume that because they apparently they think I'm pretty. I also am comfortable with talking about sex.
Anything else you want to say about virginity or our cultural attitudes towards it?
People make a big deal over nothing. Movies and TV make sex seem so casual. They make us think if we are over 18 and a virgin there is something wrong with us. That is totally wrong. There is nothing shameful about being a virgin. Even the male ones shouldn't be ashamed. I'm not embarrassed at all. I won't just randomly go out and tell everyone I'm a virgin. Unless it comes up.
For those who have suffered from sexual abuse I beg that you go to therapy. I have seen a huge change socially in myself. I used to be completely closed off and now I have learned to enjoy life. I will wait it out and see if I fall in love again. I'll have to wait and see. Even If I end up being a virgin at 30 it will be okay. Just as long as I'm truly ready.