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V-Card Diaries: Jessie "I literally feel like throwing up thinking about it. I clearly wasn't ready"

Today we're highlighting Jessie in Arizona, whose bad feelings about the first time she had sex makes her wish she'd done things differently. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. Tell us about yourself:

I'm 21 now but my story is about when I was 15. I am a female and I live in Arizona.

How do you define virginity?

To be a virgin doesn't mean you're pure. Girls think its okay to give blowjobs and make out with everyone they now and still be considered pure. Your virginity is just a weird thing that people took and reformatted the meaning. Being a virgin just means you haven't had penetrative sex.

Tell us your story

When I was 15 I had known this guy for about 6 years. I always thought he was so hot and he NEVER liked me back until I was 15. I had gotten my braces off, grown out my hair and got curves; too bad I moved off to another city in Arizona huh? Well I would go back down and visit a lot and we started, yah know, "talking." So we were planning on having sex and him taking my virginity. I was super insecure of my body so I was anxious about it. But the night it had came down to it..I was fine. It was uncomfortable though and the guy honestly didn't care. He turned me around at like 4am to do it AGAIN and I did.

So the day after I was all excited and stuff and wanted to do it again but when I got home and after a few weeks I realized what a huge mistake I made. I literally feel like throwing up thinking about it and how gross it was seeing him make weird noises and talk dirty which I hated. I often get random glimpses of thoughts of the actual sex. I hate him so much now the thought of him grosses me out and I'm never comfortable around guys now.

I am emotionally scared. I literally hate him so much I hope he dies. Just talking about it makes me want to throw up and die myself. I clearly wasn't ready. DON'T LET GUYS PRESSURE YOU TO HAVE SEX. Trust me honey, they are just playing you, they just want what's in your pants and that's it. If you chose to have sex do it with a boyfriend. Trust me you won't be as fucked up as I am now.