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V-Card Diaries: Lola "When I was raped, I viewed sex with an even more tainted mask than when I was a virgin."

Today we're highlighting Lola in Syracuse, NY, who has never experienced fully enjoyable sex and regrets her initial decision to "get it over with." *Trigger warning for sexual assault* If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. Tell us about yourself:

I'm a 21-year-old woman from Syracuse, NY.

How do you define virginity?

I suppose I define it as the first time you ever feel really comfortable with yourself and another person and not so much care about the actual process as to be completely at ease with it in the moment.

Tell us your story

I was basically always confronted with the notion that sex was bad, having grown up in a claustrophobic Christian atmosphere. When I got older, I fantasized about losing my v-card and even lied about losing it, mainly because I was around people who had started having sex when they were 13 and I felt left out. I ultimately lost it when I was 17, and the main reason was that I wanted to get it over with. It was a very interesting experience, but afterwards, I was just so shocked I was shaking compulsively for nearly 2 days.

I still have not ever had sex on an enjoyable level. All sexual rendezvouses thereafter consisted of one night stands where I felt disgusted and used. When I was raped over two years ago, I viewed sex with an even more tainted mask than I had when I was a virgin. I think ultimately my decision to 'do it' because everyone else was doing it had serious repercussions, in that I wasn't able to view sex as a manifestation of genuine emotion I held for another person.