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V-Card Diaries: AM "I've begun to think nothing of sex, it's about pleasure, not intimacy. Sleeping with someone I actually care about is terrifying"

Today we're highlighting AM from Ann Arbor, MI, whose first time was about lust and quite nice. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.

About me: I'm a 20-year-old female (will be 21 in about two weeks). I'm currently living in Ann Arbor, MI but am originally from Colorado and have lived in a lot of different countries over the years.

How I define virginity:

Sex including penetration.

My story:

Well, I lost my v-card to someone I ended up caring about, but at the time it was definitely about lust/desire. We were 17, on the brink of 18, and on a week long river trip without our parents, sleeping by the river under the stars and that's where it happened. We had talked about it before and it was really quite nice, looking back on it.

Since then, I have had a few one night stands, all of which I have regretted within a week of when they occurred. I have also been raped by a friend. It wasn't violent and it took me several months to realize that it was rape, unwanted sexual contact. Which made me quite confused about this whole sex thing. I've dealt with it on some level, but I've always wanted to go to a rape survivor group because I feel it would be empowering. I so often feel like a victim and that other people see me like that when I mention it. It would be nice to reminded that I am survivor.

The boyfriend I lost my v-card to was really the last person that I slept with and shared some kind of emotional intimacy. That is because of a number or reasons, primarily because my life has moved around so much that it's been difficult to be in a relationship. But it's also because I've begun to think nothing of sex, it's about pleasure, not about intimacy. And I feel like a whore for thinking like that, for thinking like a man. I get angry about that sometimes, the judgement that comes with my attitude towards sex, but I also enjoy having complete control of my sex life/partners/decisions. Owning my sexuality is satisfying. But it's also demeaning, belittling to some point. Because of the fear of judgement from others.

On the other hand, the idea of sleeping with someone I actually care about is terrifying. That kind of emotional intimacy feels as if someone would be invading my personal space, knowing me too deeply, seeing parts of myself that I don't necessarily want them to know, to memorize and be familiar with (both physically and mentally). I've been single for a while, and I always say that it's because of how much I move around (I have not stayed in a place for longer than 6 months in 5 years) but the reality is that I'm not ready/open to that kind of intimacy. It scares me silly. But casual sex, ain't no thang. Odd, huh?