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V-Card Diaries: Dreamer "I'm in a non-sexual relationship with a polyamorous man, and I wonder if sex will ever be attractive to me again"

Our latest V-Card Diaries comes from Dreamer in Wisconsin who blogs at Love is Not Equal to Love , who took years of emotional abuse before she decided to end her marriage. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. We'd love to run it in this blog. A little about myself:

After thirty-six years of learning to be myself, I'm finally breaking free of the restrictive ideological frameworks that once locked me into fifteen Wisconsin winters of emotional hypothermia with my ex-husband. I'm tired of being seen as a woman, with all the social implications. I'd rather be human ... but there you go.

How I define virginity:

I used to believe virginity was a one-time boundary, instantly compromised by any sexual contact in areas normally covered by "modest" clothing. Should a man break through, he must be married to me, or [insert some dreadful, vague consequence, involving social ostracism].

Now, I think virginity is a term all-too-frequently used to divert attention away from responsible relationship management and a healthy awareness of emotional and physical freedom and self-defined boundaries.

Here's my story:

I lost "my virginity" when I was eighteen, to the first man who ever offered, and I thought it was my fault because I gave in to his refusal to hear the word, "No." It took me 17 years to realize it was rape, even after we were married. Our relationship was emotionally thrilling, that's for sure. It was a choice between being myself and being "loved" as his wife, and it took years of emotional abuse for me to realize I could never be the wife he hoped to create from my raw material.

Now divorced, I'm in a non-sexual relationship with a polyamorous man, and I wonder if sex will ever be attractive to me again, even within the support structure of a monogamous, healthy marriage.

One thing I do know: When my children look at the friends they interact with and the people they love, I want them to examine the quality and durability of the acceptance they offer and receive from each other, above all, and to make educated choices based on mutual respect and authenticity, for the sake of their emotional and physical well-being.

If I can protect them from the blinding mentality of virginity, whether lost or preserved, then I hope they will be free to see the rest of the relational story and learn from their experiences along the way.