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V-Card Diaires: Garrett "I thought of him as my second sexual partner, not as the man I gave my gay virginity to."

Today we're highlighting Garrett from California who realized that casual sex didn't make him feel unclean or ashamed–just stupid. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. A little about myself:

I am a 21-year-old bisexual male from California. I never considered my virginity important. I didn't feel like I had to lose it. Sex didn't and still doesn't make me feel uncomfortable. The first time I slept with a woman she questioned if I was in fact a virgin, since I was calm and seemed to know what I was doing. The same thing happened when I had sex with a man for the first time.

How I define virginity:

I do not define virginity as a single entity that can be lost all at once, but rather in bits and pieces.

Here's my story:

I always felt sexually stunted compared to all my friends growing up. Sex just wasn't a high priority for me. It wasn't until I had my first girl friend at the age of 20 that I began gaining sexual experience. We started things slow for the first four months. First hand on genital interaction, later oral, and then vaginal intercourse. When I realized I loved her I had no problem having vaginal intercourse. However, none of these experiences made me feel like I had lost anything.

It wasn't until about seven months later that I truly felt that I had lost some form of purity. I moved away to go to school and the long distance became too much to handle. We eventually broke up but decided to remain in touch. This might have worked out had we not had meaningless sex the next day. I think the break up sex was meant as a last resort to salvage our relationship but all it did was make me feel awful, ashamed, and dirty. I had hurt myself and hurt someone I cared deeply for. I had damaged an emotional connection with sex.

The first time I had sex with a man was a casual hookup that lead to a short term dating experience until he ignored me completely. We were both on the rebound and got along well, it was easy. The first time we kissed lead to hand jobs, oral, and anal sex all in one night. I never once considered that it was a second chance to lose my virginity. I thought of him as my second sexual partner, not as the man I gave my gay virginity to.

I continued to casually date and have sex with him for about three months until he started sloughing off slowly. Then I started to feel used. I would ask him if he was done with me and he would say that things weren't like that and he respected me. Ultimately I found out that translated to him just wanting to keep me on reserve until he knew what he wanted. I ended it and wished I'd never met him. This experience didn't make me feel unclean or ashamed, but stupid. It made me feel stupid for trusting someone so easily and having sex with them so quickly. I realized that casual sex is not for me.