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Ask Trixie: I'm a virgin and he's not. How will I know when I'm ready and what to do?

Any advice? I'm 16/legal and I've been dating my friend for 2 weeks We were getting really physical the other day and he asked "If I had a condom, would you want to?" I'm a virgin/he's not. I don't know what I want/if I'm ready/when I will be/what I'd do? –A

Hi A –

Thanks for writing. You’re the only one who can really decide if you’re ready, but here are a few things to ask yourself:

  • Do I really want to do this, or do I just want to make my partner happy?
  • Do my partner and I have the same expectations for our relationship (casual or committed, for example) or will one of us be disappointed and upset after we have sex?
  • Are there other non-penetrative things we can do that will feel just as good (or better!)?
  • Am I doing this because I think I’m too old to be a virgin (oh my god, totally no).

Being able to answer these questions means you also have to know the person you're thinking about having sex with. Has he been a friend for a long time, even though you've only dated for 2 weeks? Or do you need more time to get to know him, and build up some trust and communication.

You should definitely check out Scarleteen’s Famous "Am I Ready For Sex?" checklist which has lots more things to consider. You don’t have to answer every question, but it will really help understand what you want.

Also, go to our V-Card Diaries story collection to read about other teens’ experiences around becoming sexual. Enter the site, and then click on ‘Teens’ in the red search terms and select any of the red dots.

Write back if you have any other questions. And seriously, if you feel confused, you’ve got plenty of time to figure out if and when you want to become more sexual. There’s no rush.

Got a question about virginity, sex, relationships, feminism or filmmaking?  Ask Trixie here.