Today we're highlighting Carla, who didn't expect us to use this post because she said 'it's very much not in the spirit of the others.' Actually, we think it's perfect! First, because we want to hear about all sorts of experiences in the hopes you see yourselves in one of these stories. And second, given all the conversation we had at Rethinking Virginity on Slut Shaming and Virgin Shaming, we think it's totally timely! So, thanks so much for sharing this, Carla, and take it away...
Tell us about yourself: My name's Carla, I'm twenty-one, British-American, have lived in France for most of my life and currently live in Taiwan. I'm hoping to go to grad school here in September, but for the moment I have little to no idea as to what will happen over the next few months.
What is your definition of virginity? The first thing that comes to mind is always penetrative sex, obviously, but as far as I'm concerned a virgin would bee someone who has never done anything, including oral and the like.
How did you 'lose your virgnity?' I grew up in a very liberal household, in France, which is a pretty open country about those matters (as long as it's heterosexual, as in many places, the rest is more...complicated). From a pretty young I age I was extremely interested in depictions of sex, and I started masturbating pretty early.
I lost my virginity at the age of fifteen, to a friend, at a party. This obviously makes me a slut to many people. I don't care. I wanted to; I knew him, I trusted him, I really wanted to do it, of course we protected ourselves-I may be a slut but I'm far from stupid, and I remember it as being fun. Not many people I know enjoyed their first time as much as I did, yet I'm the one who's supposed to be regretting it, because I didn't wait for love, or whatnot. Just as well, because I didn't fall in love until I was seventeen, and looking back on it, it was puppy love, and rather hilariously ridiculous.
I have a ridiculously high libido, which does make life complicated at times, because women, as a general rule, aren't supposed to. I've met a few men who felt emasculated by it; those didn't last long.
All this doesn't mean I'm not picky, as people have implied in conversations where the word "easy" has come up. Maybe I am easy, I don't know. Does it matter? I enjoy myself, I don't hurt anyone, my experience is split pretty evenly between casual sex and relationships, and the casual sex didn't leave me a used, empty shell as I've seen in some articles. Preposterous.
Any thoughts about cultural attitudes towards virginity? I think we all have our own relationship with our sexuality, and I personally do not care whether you'd rather stay a virgin or have sex with five people in the same week. As long as it's safe sex, it's not my place to judge, and it's none of my business. I would just like the same principle be applied to me.
I don't like having to defend my choices; I don't see where they're wrong, bad, immoral, or whatnot. I don't see why virgins should have to defend their choices either; if you don't want to have sex, for any reason whatsoever, please don't. I'm a firm believer in doing what's right for you, and that rarely coincides exactly with what society requires or expects of you.
My experience probably doesn't fit with a lot of your readers, since I'm European first and foremost, but where I'm from it's a lot harder to be an older virgin than to be the school slut. I think shaming anyone over the sexual history/ sexuality is ridiculous, and plain mean. I am not defined by my sexuality. It is a part of me, nothing more, nothing less. I have no more, no less value as a non-virgin than I did as a virgin.
It's funny, because when I first met one of my closest friends here in Taiwan, an American girl, she was still a virgin at the age of twenty-two, and she was embarrassed about it. She only told me once we'd become close friends, and apparently was still worried that I'd judge her for it. It's sad, really. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.