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V-Card Diaries: Megan "The idea that a woman can have an active libido is somehow scandalous"

Today we're highlighting Megan from New Jersey who talks about why she's glad her first time having sex was with a friend. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. Tell us about yourself:

I'm a soon-to-be-21-year-old lady from a small town in the Delaware Valley. I'm currently attending a county college for American Sign Language Interpretation, though I'm thinking of switching to a major with a more creative vein; something to do with writing, being that it has always been something I've enjoyed.

How do you define virginity?

Anyone who has not had sexual, genital-to-genital contact with another person. Oral sex just doesn't count as proper sex in my book, I'm afraid to say.

Tell us your story:

I do not consider myself a virgin, and have not since the age of 18, when I had sex with a man for the first time. I'm actually glad that my first time wasn't with someone I was in a relationship with; it was casual sex with a friend. I think I'm glad mostly because I was extremely nervous my first time (I think it's safe to say that pretty much everyone is), and thinking about that nervousness on top of the whole "we're taking our relationship to the next level" idea would have made it an absolute train-wreck. Instead, it was almost like just checking something off my life to-do list; getting a milestone out of the way, which I think was very liberating. It didn't have all this weight of expectation because there was none; we were friends, and there were benefits, but there was never going to be a relationship with all the trappings of romance.

Any thoughts on virginity in our society?

I think our society is completely confused on how it thinks it should view virginity, particularly when it comes to the different sexes. For a guy, it's a mark of shame: you're not “man” enough to get it on. What are you waiting for? But for girls, it's this little badge of pride: "I'm pure, I'm special, I'm saving it for someone special." Those ideas are shoved down our throats pretty much since the first day of sex-education, both formal and informal.

I can respect someone wanting to not have intercourse, particularly casual intercourse, because they put value on emotional connection with their partners. In fact, I know several people quite willing to do almost everything sexual BUT have intercourse for that reason. But they do have sexual activity (fingering, oral sex, etc.) with people they like, or are building a relationship with, or even just casual partners. But it drives me up a wall when people carry on this idea of virginity, especially female virginity, as something that should be hoarded out of fear of being labeled a “slut,” or because sex is something to be ashamed of wanting and enjoying. Men are allowed, even expected, to masturbate and watch porn and peruse sex (casual or otherwise), but the very idea that a woman can have an active libido, and feed that libido through self-stimulation, pornography, and yes, causal-or-otherwise sex, is somehow scandalous.

And at the same time, women are constantly sexualized by our media. Just look at our advertisements, especially for things like perfumes and alcohol. Women in revealing clothing or positions that suggest sexuality run rampant, yet women are expected to remain chaste. This societal mixed-signal is enough to make anyone confused.

Want to tell your story? Go to our submission page.