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V-Card Diaries: Z "It didn't feel amazing like the oral sex had, it just felt kind of strange. And then it was over."

Today we're highlighting Z, a 20-year-old woman from Ithaca, NY who doesn't feel the least bit guilty that she had sex for the first time with someone she didn't know that well because she did it on her own terms. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. Tell us about yourself: 

I'm a 20 year old female from Ithaca, New York. I'm in my junior year at Hobart and William Smith Colleges studying Social Justice, with minors in Theater and Latin American Studies.

How do you define virginity?

How I define virginity has changed for me so much to the point that I feel I've 'lost' my virginity multiple times, but still have things I have never experienced thus I am a 'virgin' for. I understand the medical idea of virginity, breaking of the hymen and so forth, but by that notion I may have lost my virginity the first time I used a tampon which was years before I had actual 'sex’ is just kind of silly to me. I consider intercourse to be breaking the virginity seal (hymen), but I know that sex and physical relations come in many forms, not all that require or include penetration, but that, at least under my definition, makes people no longer virgins. Virginity for me is about growing up. It's stepping over a threshold from innocence into adulthood, and sex is a large part of what our culture thinks makes us adults. I don't think that the loss of your virginity automatically makes you an adult, it's simply one thing in a series of events that allows you to view yourself in a different light.

Tell us your story:

Well first off let me say that I was desperate, absolutely desperate to lose my virginity. I thought that it had taken longer than average for me to have my first kiss, first date etc. and as I thought I was behind the curve, I wanted to get it over and done with. I thought about sex constantly (gotta love those teenage hormones) and thought that losing my virginity would be like a magical on/off switch that would cure my self-esteem problems and worries about the fact that I didn't have a 'real' boyfriend. I always had a number of friends who were older than me, I had gotten my first kiss from someone 10 years older than me, and in my 17 year old naivete I thought that being considered 'one of the team' made me as mature as 'the rest of the team.'

One night in October, I was hanging out at one of these older friends houses, with a few of his friends who I knew fairly well. We were smoking weed, watching TV, drinking a few beers; not doing anything particularly important. I'd been flirting with this one guy all night, and at some point we found ourselves alone in the room. Everyone else had gone to sleep, or smoke, or passed out, I'm not even sure. We started making out, and then he went down on me. Now understand this, I had only been kissed a handful of times and groped maybe once, but that was it. I had virtually no experience and a lot of pent up sexual frustration. So having a guy go down on me for the first time was beyond amazing. I'd never had an orgasm before, had read about them of course, but hadn't really been able to imagine what it would actually feel like. It felt fucking amazing.

I kept asking him to have sex with me, (thinking that while this was unbelievably good, it wasn't actual sex like I'd been thinking about it). He kept deferring, he knew I was a virgin and didn't want to be the one to lead me into my sexual life. He made me come multiple times between the weed and the late night, and first time having anything down there, it just stands out in my mind as a huge block of time of indescribable pleasure. I kept begging and pleading and finally we did it. Or rather he did, I didn't do all that much, since I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be doing, and was too nervous about doing something wrong. It was kind of a let down. I mean I felt it, but it didn't feel amazing like the oral sex had, it just felt kind of strange. And then it was over.

For a few weeks after that I felt horribly racked with guilt that I didn't feel guilty. I mean I lost my virginity to a friend of a friend on the first friends couch; both of whom were older than me, I was stoned, a little tipsy, and you know what? I didn't care at all. I still don't. I lost my virginity on my own terms, when I wanted to. I wasn't forced or tricked into it, even if others think I was. I wasn't hurt, I was careful, didn't get sick or pregnant. It was simply over. The amount of relief I felt at just having done it was overwhelming.

I've had enough sex since, to know and respect the difference between sex just for the sake of sex with someone you don't know well or at all, and sex with someone you like or love. Sex with someone you care deeply about is extremely special, beautiful even in how it makes you feel. But, at least for me, your first time doesn't have to be this magical expression of love. Losing your virginity is awkward, it feels strange, you don't know if you're doing anything right, or even if you're doing it wrong. I feel lucky that I lost it with someone who knew what they were doing, even if they didn't know me. My society tells me I should feel guilty for how I lost it, but I don't. Not one little bit.