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V-Card Diaries: Dan "My mother's last words before college were 'Remember, Dan, gentlemen don't take virgins.' "

Today we're highlighting Dan in the Bay area who wants a sexual culture with more honesty and reason. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. Tell us about yourself:

I'm 63, male, living in the San Francisco Bay Area. I work in the technical support group of a huge computer software company. I've been married twice, divorced since 1992, and have been in relationship with another twice-divorced woman my age since early 2005.

How do you define virginity?

I really have no clue. I think it's a social construct whose definition varies among people and over time. Personally I stopped feeling like a virgin after the first time I had penis-in-vagina sex. But I wouldn't presume to have an opinion on when a lesbian should no longer identify as virgin.

Tell us your story

I started masturbating at age 12, had my first date at 13, and in spite of lots of making out in high school and my first year and a half of college, didn't have penis-in-vagina intercourse until age 20. My mother's last words to me when I walked out the door to go to college were, "Remember, Dan, gentlemen don't take virgins." That was all either parent ever said to me on the topic of sex.

When The Big Event finally happened, it was a disaster. I had been dating Hellen for months and my mind was overwhelmed with the thought, "She's letting me do it!" I couldn't get an erection to save my soul. After some time passed, I was finally able to complete intercourse. but I was so self-involved the whole time, I wouldn't blame Hellen a bit if she felt completely disconnected from me through the whole experience. Our relationship lasted only another year and a half.

I met another girl early in my senior year with whom I thought I fell in love, and she agreed to marry me. She wanted to be a virgin on her wedding night, and I reluctantly resolved not to pressure her about it. I was woefully inexperienced, and she had no experience at all, so after our first intercourse in our honeymoon hotel, she told me, "If I had know that that's all it was going to be, I wouldn't have waited." From that day forward I never once felt like an adequate lover for her. The marriage barely lasted five years.

Another dear friend from high school kept herself virginal and walked down the aisle with her high school sweetheart as pure as the driven snow, but discovered after the wedding that he was actually gay, a fact that might have come to light if she had been open to a test drive.

These experiences have naturally led me to the conclusion that marrying as a virgin is a bad idea. Your mileage may vary, of course. Mostly, I am deeply saddened by our culture's active hostility toward any semblance of reason and respect for nature when it comes to every single aspect of human sexuality.