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V-Card Diaries: S "I don't know why oral sex seems so casual to me, while losing my virginity seems like a huge deal."

Today we're highlighting S in Pennsylvania, who feels like society is telling her she'll regret it if she doesn't wait. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. Tell us about yourself:

I'm female and 16, from Pennsylvania.

How do you define virginity?

Never having had Penis-In-Vagina sex.

Tell us your story

Technically, I'm a virgin. I go to a small private school, where options for boyfriends are limited, so most people are very inexperienced. I was 15 when I gave my first blowjob, to a guy who I'd been casually making out with on-and-off for a few months. My friends didn't like him, because they thought he was using me. One even told me she wouldn't speak to me if I hooked up with him, so I had to keep it a secret. He'd been asking for a blowjob for a while, so when my parents were out of town, I invited him over and gave him one. I actually felt really happy about it afterwards; I felt completely comfortable and ready.

I gave him another one a week later, but he started talking to me less and less, and I became disinterested. He periodically would ask me to hook up again, but I felt like I should wait until I was in a relationship for the next guy. He got angry and told everyone what we did. Some of my "friends" called me a whore, but I don't regret it. If they were truly my friends, my sexual experiences wouldn't have mattered.

The next encounter I had was a few months later on New Years Eve. I went to an Under 21 club with a few friends, where I met a college freshman. We ended up making out, and it got pretty heavy. One friend of mine from out of school, who was not a virgin, decided to invite him and his friend to stay the night at her house. I ended up alone with him in a bed. I felt like I had to give him a blowjob, because he was a college guy, and if I didn't, I'd be a tease. He asked for sex, too, but I said no. Even though I was doing it out of perceived pressure, I don't regret it, because I don't think it's that big of a deal. I gave him my number and he wanted to see me again, but I had no interest. He actually ended up dating another one of my friends for a little while. But after that encounter, I tried to wait again. I didn't even kiss a guy until a party 10 months later, and then I had oral again a year later, with my now-boyfriend.

I have been with my boyfriend for a month now. He's new to my school, and not a virgin. He pressured me at first, but now he says he understands that I want to wait. It probably doesn't make much sense, since I give him head all the time, and he's gone down on me. I don't know why that stuff seems so casual to me, while losing my virginity seems like a huge deal. I just want to be sure that he's the right guy. I've never been in a real relationship before. I always thought that guys who wanted relationships were just the ones that couldn't get sex outside of a relationship, so when someone actually likes me, I assume there's something wrong with them. But I'm starting to trust him. I trust him more than I trust myself, actually.

Commitment kind of freaks me out, and I'm worried that losing my virginity to him makes me more attached to him. Like I can't escape a relationship if I have sex, because if you have sex, then it better be with someone you're with long-term. But at the same time, I feel that I'm ready, and I want to. I am only waiting because society tells me I'll regret it if I don't.