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V-Card Diaries: Jessie "I felt like something must have gone wrong with me during puberty...but I was just demi-sexual"

Today we're highlighting Jessie in Australia, whose interest in sex has more to do with an emotional bond. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. Tell us about yourself:

I'm a 20-year-old girl studying at university in Australia.

How do you define virginity?

Engaging in sexual activity with another person, not necessarily penetrative sex.

Tell us your story

I didn't want to have sex. I didn't have sexual thoughts and I didn't really engage in masturbation. Mostly I just found it a little boring. I felt like something must have gone wrong with me during puberty. It felt like everyone around me was losing their virginity and becoming completely sex obsessed from about 14. It only got worse when I graduated high school.

I did get my first boyfriend when I was 15 and we dated in typical high school fashion, hanging out at lunch and coming over to each others' houses to watch movies. He was one of my closest friends and in hindsight I think I confused friendly affection with actual romantic feelings. All we ever did was kiss a bit and he began to put a lot of pressure on me to have sex with him after a few months. I feel we stayed together largely because it was easier than breaking up, since we had all the same friends. Eventually I ended the relationship because I just had no interest in having sex.

After graduation I made a group of friends at my new job. When our group conversations turned inevitably to sex, I was concerned about admitting I was a virgin, and I definitely wasn't telling anyone I had no interest in "losing it". The others viewed my virginity as an awful burden and were constantly encouraging me to go out and hook up or trying to set me up with their friends. I found myself lying to them and making excuses for not “just doing it”. I’d say that I didn’t find my potential hook ups likeable or good looking enough or even that I was still hung up on my ex, anything to make them lose interest in my sexual activity. Part of me dreaded the thought that I would need to spend the rest of my adult life doing this.

Not long before I was to start uni I went to a party where I ended up meeting a guy. We got to talking and he asked me out and I was surprised to find myself saying yes. He was a few years older than me and I just found him really easy to talk to. I told him early on that I was a virgin, but not that I had never really had an interest in sex. He wasn’t a virgin, but was willing to wait until I was ready. After seeing each other exclusively for almost ten months I realized that I wanted to have penetrative sex with him. We had performed oral and manual sex on each other a couple of months before then and I had actually managed to become aroused.

I didn’t really consider myself a virgin by the time I had penetrative sex but my friends and boyfriend still did. In their eyes I “officially” lost my virginity (in the constrictive heteronormative sense) shortly after my 20th birthday. I do feel lucky to have found someone so patient and understanding.

I recently discovered the term demi-sexual and I instantly identified with it. Discovering that there are other people who feel the same mix of being able to engage in sexual activity sometimes and also being quite asexual at other times was very comforting. Even now that I have lost my virginity the idea of engaging in sex with anyone else doesn’t appeal to me. My attraction to my boyfriend is firmly rooted in our emotional bond. I really wish that virginity was not viewed as such a big deal, especially for the impact it has on people who are uncertain in their sexuality.