Today we're highlighting Meg in Southeastern U.S., who discovered sex as a form of self expression after isolating herself from her family and all things American. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. Tell us about yourself:
I'm a 27-year-old female living in the Southeastern part of the United States.
How do you define virginity?
Never having had vaginal intercourse.
Tell us your story
My sexual story did not start out well. My parents divorced as I was entering puberty and was not amicable by any definition. Let's all agree I developed intimacy issues as a result of this and deep suspicion of what any authority figure or intimate partner ever told me.
Growing up with my mother's definition of sexual education was to tell us that if we had sex before marriage that it would ruin our lives. More than once she got in front of the TV during a risqué scene and basically started a cheer along the lines of "We will not have sex!" I didn't even have a boyfriend until I was seventeen, even then every time he left or I returned from a date I instantly got "the look" and was asked if I was doing anything stupid.
However when I got to college it was my mother's greatest wish to see that I found someone. I dated a total of 3 guys in college (still didn't have sex) and after all three my mother tearfully asked if my parent's divorce made me not want to get married. It was a weird dichotomy. She wanted me to be independent and free but also wanted me to adhere the lifestyle she had had which was sex within marriage and children before the age of 30. Sex before marriage wasn't a sin per se but a reflection of poor choices and inevitable lifelong regret. Every time I entered a relationship I immediately became unsure myself. Was I doing the right thing, was I being a slut, what was going to happen? I distrusted my emotions and physical needs and as a result was unable to establish emotional intimacy with any of them.
I finally lost my virginity when I was 24 and I had to leave the country and live on my own, miles from any American, to finally overcome my emotional insecurities. You would think living in a conservative Muslim society where women are expected to be submissive to men would have prevented any sexual evolution but that wasn't the case. While it wasn't talked about in the community, the subject was not as taboo as it been in my household growing up. It was expected that sex would occur within marriage but women talked about sex and relationships all the time. Fidelity was expected but also sexual fulfillment for both sexes was also expected. Even in the sexual education projects I helped develop our themes were discussions on intimacy and respect as well the basic birth control methods.
I still harbored emotional insecurities but as a result of my daily life style (physical labor everyday for everything I wanted, water, food, and friendship) I became more aware of my physical strengths and desires. I could speak another language, bike 60 kilometers in a day, carry my own weight in water on my head-why couldn't I have sex?
I found a boyfriend in a fellow American and after a few months we had sex completely by accident. I had been preparing for it but he had some reservations about taking my v-card because after all I had been 'waiting' so long, he didn't want to the responsibility. I learned that this was the opinion most dreaded by virgins over the age of 20: That because we hadn't had sex by then we must be waiting for something or someone. If there was one thing I wish people could know it is that virgins aren't always waiting for 'the one.'
In time I found that I was the adventurous one and it gave me a sense of sexual power that was exciting. I had a new way to express myself which I found thrilling: Sex not just as an act but an expression which is what it is meant to be. I still have emotional intimacy issues and at the age of 27 I only have had 2 partners. I still don't tell people when I lost my virginity because there is instantly the perception of just 'losing it' because I was old (Ha!)
Honestly, when I feel awkward about my age I remember that Tina Fey said she lost her virginity when she was 24 and that makes me feel better because instead of comparing myself to others who have years of sexual experience I think of her and women like me who have amazing LIFE experiences and happened to have sex at when it happened. Losing my v-card helped me overcome some of the relationship issues that plagued me since I first learned about sex.
Sex isn't for husbands and wives, but for partners. It isn't an indulgence or moment of weakness, but an expression of intimacy and trust. It is not the same every time, but an evolution of experiences which I cannot wait to understand.