**Trigger Warning for Sexual Assault** Today we're highlighting S in Georgia, who suffered abuse as a kid, but still had high hopes for her adult sex life. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. Tell us about yourself:
I am a 36-year-old woman and I live in Georgia. I was sexually abused when I was 11. Prior to that, I was a pretty fearless, open little girl, but became very anxious and introverted after the rape. I pretty much shut myself off in terms of my sexuality during the time when most people are exploring theirs. In my teen years, whenever a boy would go to hold my hand or kiss me, I would freeze up in terror. I didn’t have my first kiss until 19.
How do you define virginity?
In my case, consensual vaginal penetration by a penis. I don't consider my rape to have been the loss of my virginity as I was a child and it was not consensual.
Tell us your story
I had sex built up in my mind as this thing that should be perfect and magical but the thought of it scared the crap out of me. I never had any beliefs that I should wait until marriage, or that having sex was wrong - I just wanted it to mean something. I had fantasies of a big, soft canopy bed, candles, soft music, and a man who really loved me and knew what a big deal it was for me.
Although I had done “everything but,” I still hadn’t lost my V-card by age 27. I just never really felt comfortable enough with someone and truth be told, I hadn’t dated that many people. I had started dating this guy and was really attracted to him, which hadn’t happened often for me. I had told him about my past experience and he seemed to understand. I wasn’t in love with him, but I liked him a lot and felt like I could trust him.
One night, we met at a bar after he got off of work and had a few drinks. He asked me back to his place, and we started making out on his sofa. I ended up losing my virginity on his sheet-less sofa bed, with “Tombstone” playing on the DVD player, and his dog watching us. While it was happening, I remember zoning out – almost like I was hovering above us, watching what was going on but not really a part of it. I didn’t have an orgasm – in retrospect, that doesn’t surprise me as I wasn’t really connected to what was going on.
The next day we went to breakfast and then he had to go to class; he said he would call me after work and I left to go back to my apartment. On my way home, I called my sister and best friend to tell them. They asked me how it was and I remember saying that it was “strange in its lack of strangeness” in that I really felt no different – I had expected that I would feel monumentally different: more feminine, more empowered, more… something. I got home and took some steaks that my mother had given me out of the freezer. I called and left a message on his cell phone asking if he wanted to come over for dinner that night.
The guy never called me back. That’s not entirely true… he called me back 3 months later out of the blue and asked if I wanted to go fishing. I remember wondering if “fishing” was a euphemism for sex. I didn’t understand what happened – I didn’t know whether it was my fault because I had been so disconnected, or whether he just was so interested in a virgin that he led me on. Looking back now, I have to laugh a little, though. Instead of the soft canopy bed, candles, and music, I got a ratty sofabed, “Tombstone” and a dog.