My husband and I maintain an open dialogue on everything, including sex. He reminds me that our relationship, and now marriage, is unique because of the home, present, and future we’ve created together. Still, I have insecurities about sex because he has been with 7 other women before me. I try to make myself feel better because I guess he was considered a “born-again virgin” when we first had sex in August 2012 (he hadn’t had sex for about a year and a half). Do you have some advice on how I can feel more secure about myself in our sexual relationship?–May
First of all, the fact that you have a open dialogue with your husband is great, and so I have to assume that your insecurities don't stem from a husband who feels you're not experienced enough because he was the first person you had intercourse with.
So, let's talk about what's going on with you. In a separate email, you told me about your relationship with your high school boyfriend, which progressed from hand holding to oral sex. Becoming sexual is a long process and it doesn't begin and end the first time you have intercourse. Sex can encompass so many different kinds of intimate acts, and it sounds like you had a pretty intense sexual relationship with your former boyfriend.
I'll bet there are all sorts of ways that that older relationship made you a bit more experienced, just like your husband's previous partners gave him experience. You learned things you liked and didn't like and learned a few things about communication. Eventually your and your husband's separate sexual timelines converged into your life together (intimate and otherwise).
Having said all that, it's not clear what your specific insecurity is. Do you feel you lack skills? Practice makes perfect and it sounds like your husband would be down for some experimentation. Do you feel like you missed out on having other partners before you became exclusive with your husband? There are ways to explore having sex with someone else in an open marriage, however that's not an option everyone. Or perhaps it's something else. Most importantly, congratulations for finding a partner you can work through this with, and best of luck!