Today we're highlighting Violet who internalized a lot of shame about female sexuality, and it's made her feel she'll never have a relationship with a man. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. A little about myself:
I'm a 30-year-old virgin who lives in Oklahoma.
How I define virginity:
Participating in a consensual sexual act with another person.
Here's my story:
I always knew as a child that I would have a difficult time ever finding a boyfriend. I would look in the mirror and try to convince myself that I was decent looking, but no boys paid attention to me unless to insult me by calling me masculine or ugly. In my teens, I exaggerated my flaws (& still do) to the point where I couldn't even imagine someone getting close to me. Today, as I age, and become even more aware of my worthlessness in mens' eyes, I know that I will probably be a virgin forever. I've never even kissed a guy. Once, a guy tried kissing me, but I couldn't relax, so I walked away.
A lot of my issues have to do with the shame my mother taught me about female sexuality. Virgins were worth something while non-virgins were whores. This rhetoric was repeated by other family members too. I heard this all from a young age, probably starting at 5 or 6. For me, I thought I wouldn't have any worth to a man if I lost my virginity because I had nothing else to offer.
Another problem I have is that I can't filter out the negative comments I hear men say about women in general and about their former gfs/wives. How can they date someone and say they were in love, but say such mean statements about the woman's appearance and even insult her sexuality and genitals? I think I've heard too much now to ever really trust a man at all.
At 30, no one wants to have patience with an inexperienced person. Even if I could overcome the issues regarding the shame I was taught and work on improving my self-image, it's still unlikely that I could find a good man. I don't sit at home crying about it, but there is a deep frustration that I will probably never be able to love another person. I'm damaged goods.
Editor note: Many women and men feel the way Violet does, and we want to recommend spending a bit of time at You're Not Alone, a really wonderful community of adults who haven't been able to form intimate relationships. They offer support and advice on changing that situation.