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V-Card Diaries: K "I identify as queer. If I had had the exact same encounter with a woman, it would have been sex"

My definition of virginity: 

Virginity is an archaic/heteronormative notion that seeks to suppress female sexuality

Here's my story:

I identify as a queer woman (I am cis, and fall somewhere on the bi/pansexual spectrum). I "lost my virginity" to boy while I was taking my gap year, this boy was also my first kiss.

I was a part of an exchange program to Japan for a year, and our last night was in a hotel before we all caught our planes. I knew all the other students who had lived in the same city as me for a year, but wasn't as familiar with those who had stayed in other parts of the country. One of my close friends knew some of the others, so that night we had a "party" in one of our rooms. Probably about 15-20 people.

We had some booze (really cheap vodka) and I only got tipsy. By about 3-4 am it was just my close friend mentioned earlier, another girl, me and this boy in the room. I hadn't had anything to drink for a few hours, and I'd only had a few shots anyways. My friend and this girl started making out/having sex on one of the beds and me and this boy were "cuddling" on the other.

I acted like I was pretty experienced (and he did too, idk if he was lying too). We started kissing/making out, and eventually we were both naked. He went down on me and I jerked him off. It wasn't like the best ever, but it wasn't horrible and I did orgasm. While this wasn't penetrative sex, I still feel like I lost my "virginity."

My reasoning is this: I identify as queer and am primarily attracted to other women. If I had had the exact same encounter with a woman, it would have been sex. Why if it's a man and woman is it not sex if there isn't penetration? That implies that "lesbian sex" isn't real sex, which it clearly is. I feel any consensual sexual contact that ends in orgasm is sex, regardless of orientation, gender, or penetration (or lack therof). Ergo, I lost my virginity to and had my first kiss with an Australian dude that I hadn't known before that night, while two of our friends had sex in the other bed. And I don't regret it. 

If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.

V-Card Diaries: Megs "We laughed when it fell out, and at the squelching noises and queefs."

Today we're highlighting Megs from Australia, who wore a purity ring to reminder her to wait until she was 100% ready.  If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. A little about myself:
I'm an 18-year-old female from Australia, currently studying abroad.

How I define virginity:
I understand that everyone defines virginity in different ways, but for me it would be vaginal intercourse.

Here's my story:
My mum gave me her purity ring when I was thirteen, and because I never wanted to wait until marriage, I wore it as a reminder to wait until I was 100% ready. While my friends slowly started to have sex, it never bothered me that I hadn't. I never saw sex as some be-all and end-all defining moment in my life (probably due to my older brother's influence, who introduced me to feminism). I just knew that I wanted it to be with someone I liked, and who I knew liked me too.

My semester abroad has been a time for firsts. A friend of someone studying here visited for two weeks, and we hung out a lot and got to know each other quite well. I'd spent a few nights with him in his bed and him in mine--just making out and cuddling, then oral sex. He knew when he met me that I was a virgin, and was careful the entire time to make sure that I was comfortable. He asked my permission before doing anything, and was big on communication. He told me to let him know if I wasn't comfortable or if it didn't feel right, but reminded me to let him know if something felt good, too.

When we finally did have penetrative sex it hurt quite a bit, but the pain stopped after the first initial few thrusts and it was great. I didn't bleed (which was a relief), even though everyone had always told me I would. It was never awkward, and he walked me through everything. We even laughed when it wouldn't go in the first few times or it fell out, and at the squelching noises and queefs.

I wouldn't have wanted to lose my virginity any other way, and I'm glad it was with him.


V-Card Diaries: Sean " This was what I'd do: One night with a stranger and it would be over."

Today we're highlighting Sean in Australia whose sexual encouters have felt 'irritating, dissapointing and pointless.' If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. A little about myself:

23, FTM, Australia

How I define virginity:

For me it is extended genital contact with another person's genitals. I guess that's the closest I can come, though I don't really believe in it.

Here's my story:

I was 21 and a virgin. I'd been on a few dates but none of them involved sexual contact; I'd never had a partner and my first kiss was forced on me by one of those dates. I was, and remain, scared of sex, of its intimacy, the trust I was required to have in a partner, and paralysed by fear of hurting someone else by being too forward or forceful myself, well aware of my own reservations and feelings of betrayal after dates attempted to 'make a move' on me. My diagnosed depression was defined by anhedonia making my orgasms disappointing non-events and my sex drive almost non-existent. I felt constantly attacked by the world and its sexuality, and my status as a sexual object made me want to die.

When I was 21 I decided I was sick of being a virgin, sick of having people use that word against me and exclude me from the group as all but one of my other friends were sexually active with partners by then. I read about a celebrity I idolised who was very similar in personality to me, and who decided he wanted to stop being a virgin, went out to a club, and went home with the first person who would take him home. Hence he lost his virginity. As I didn't want to have sex with one of my friends - and so be vulnerable to them talking about me and my sexual behaviour and inadequacies - I decided this was what I'd do. One night with a stranger and it would be over.

I took advantage of a holiday overseas to scour clubs. Shy and terrified of making a move I struck out time after time; and it cut deep that now that I was actually trying, I was rejected repeatedly. Eventually I ran into a guy who approached me. He was my age, kind, exactly my type, intelligent and interesting, and we spent hours just talking and getting drunk in his kitchen before we went to bed.

It was actually really good, though my whole body was numb from alcohol, and I was overwhelmed by how beautiful he looked at the time. When I told him he rebutted with a clichéd, porny, objectifying line and I instantly dropped into self-disgust, fear, anger, everything you don't want in the situation. He didn't know how to give me an orgasm even manually. I was so fed up with him I ended up getting off of him and just sucking him off. My first blowjob wasn't that bad either, just a sore jaw and a taste like olive brine. He said thank you when I finished, and the day after I had bruises all up my thighs. We never caught up again.

I didn't have sex again for another year. That, too, was irritating, disappointing and pointless. I don't know why I pursue it, why I feel like I should. But it was something I just wanted to learn, you know? To be able to do and use, another way to be valued. I still think about him a lot. Now I'd go with anyone, and I still don't feel anything from it. It's all self-fulfilling prophecies - and pointless, pointless, pointless.

V-Card Diaries: Sodi "I've only been sexually active with girls, but with all of them I was the boy."

Today we're highlighting Sodi in Melbourne, Australia. Although she's been sexually active since she was 13, her current girlfriend was the first one to touch her. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. A little about myself:

I am a full out 24-year-old lesbian. I am from Mexico but I live  in Melbourne, Australia since 3 years ago. I have a girlfriend who I've been with for the past 2 years and 5 months, and she is the one I lost my V with.

How I define virginity:

My V, I suppose I define it as that special thing that I only gave to my special girl. It is not something physical(hymen). I think it is more emotional because I am a lesbian, so I think we don't lose out V in the same way a straight girl does.

Here's my story:

I've been with my girl for 2 and a half years and when we started dating she knew she wasn't the first one. I have been sexually active since I was 13, only with girls! But with all of them I was the boy, because all of them were straight girls so I used to fuck them and I used a strap on, so none of them ever touched me.

I wasn't interested in that because I felt weird if any of them tried to do it. I wasn't comfortable with my body at that point (I guess), but then I met this amazing girl which is nothing like my ex's, and she's a lesbian as well. It was the second time we were together and she was going on holiday the next day, so we were in her college room having fun, I was doing my thing, you know (making her see stars), what I normally do and I love it.

I can say I had an orgasm while eating her out, but when she finished I was like "OK, let's go to bed", and she was like "No, no, it is my turn" and I freaked out and I told her that no one has ever done that to me! She was surprised and told me to relax. " I am not going to hurt you," those where her words. So I lay down and she literally did everything to me, I was just following the orders she gave me. I never felt like that before. Not even 10 min after we finished, we realized she needed to get to the airport, so I tried to stand up and I couldn't. She laughed a bit and told me "That's how I feel all the time, now you know how real sex is, my love". She kissed me and helped me get dressed. It is something that I will never forget!

So special. I love her!

An interview with Elizabeth Raine, America's latest virginity auctioner


I just did an interview for with 27-year-old American medical student Elizabeth Raine, who is putting her "virginity" up for auction on April 1st. Readers of this blog know I've been following this phenomenon for years, and like every other woman doing this kind of thing, she's getting a lot of sleazy, breathless tabloid coverage. I was glad to learn a bit more about her, and to talk to her about how virginity auctions affect how we value women for their sexual status, and how they perpetuate virginity myths and stereotypes.

As I say in the intro, I talked to Liz about the kind of guy who’d pay good money to be the “first penis in,” why you can’t prove a woman isn't a virgin, and how to negotiate boundaries when your first sexual experience is with a total stranger. Here's a short excerpt where we get into some of the issues, but please read the whole thing at Nerve.

Which brings me to the question of what “virginity” means to you. What are you auctioning? I think losing virginity is having heterosexual intercourse for the first time. If you are referring to another type of intercourse it needs to be clarified, for instance “I lost my oral virginity.”

So what do you think the appeal or fascination is for a guy? What do you think they think they’re buying? For some reason or another it is a sexual fantasy [to have a virgin]. In some cases, I think they want to take on the role of sexual teacher. In others, they just want to try something new. And then there are some men who are just attracted to the idea of an untouched woman.

I always assumed it was the desire for “first penis in” like planting your flag on uncharted territory or something.  Men are very competitive and territorial creatures.

I sometimes think that if men are stupid enough to pay for a social construct, let them. I can't disagree with that.

I really hate the mythology virginity auctions perpetuate. As long as there hasn't been a penis inside a woman, she and her body have value. But once that happens, she has none. No one auctions off the second time they have intercourse.  Well that's not necessarily true, women with all levels of sexual experience are selling sex somewhere. I'm not saying that makes it right, but I do think it is more of a continuum than you think. Men preferring less 'promiscuous' women is not a phenomenon limited to virgins.

They are, but adding the #virginity seems to increase the value exponentially. I'm not sure Natalie would have gotten much interest if she had already had intercourse and was offering the second time to a lucky bidder. Do you? I agree the value is inflated. Here is one more idea: The first time is a mystery. So, being in the position of the virgin, if you are going to lose it under these circumstances, it should pay well.

V-Card Diaries: Billy "At one point she asked if I had to touch myself to come which I replied I f***ing hope not!"

Our latest V-Card Diaries comes from Billy in Australia, who feels like experience has taught him to be a more conscientious and giving lover. Billy saw How To Lose Your Virginity on Australian TV, and the film will have another broadcast in Australia on Studio on Feb. 15, 2014. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. We'd love to run it in this blog. About me:

I'm 24, male and from Australia.

How I define virginity:

Until seeing How To Lose Your Virginity I still thought there was some credibility to the breaking of the hymen. Not as naively as some might and I knew it wasn't black and white but I didn't realize how varied and sometimes nearly non-existent it could be. Apart from that I think it has to be an objective thing, it's not wrong to classify it as penis in vagina sex, for me that was the first time I'd had extensive sexual contact with another person. Different expressions of ones sexual personality shared with others can mean just as much if not more than the standard heterosexual standard so I think the old rules should be forgotten but not replaced with new rules. The discussion/debate will go on.

Here's my story:

I was 16 years old and the girl I first had sex with was 17 (maybe 18). She was a friend of a friend that I'd met just a few weeks before the act. She had just come out of a two year relationship and was looking for a bit of a rebound fling. We hooked up a couple of times and it became evident that she wanted to sleep with me, openly as a bit of a rebound. There was more to it than just right place right time but I wasn't offended to be targeted as a means to her pleasure. When we did actually have sex I was well inebriated and it lasted much longer than either of us expected, at one point she asked if I had to touch myself to come which I replied I fucking hope not! The second time was much quicker. Overall it was funny and stupid, I was inexperienced and through experiences later on I'm glad I've learned to become (I hope) a more conscientious and giving lover. Still lots to learn, no one person is the same after all.

V-Card Diaries: Tam "It hurt like hell, but God it was good."

Today we're highlighting Tam in Sydney, Australia, who's first time may not have been sweet, but it was 'good.' If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. About me:

I'm a 24-year-old female from Sydney, Australia.

How I define virginity:

A state of being before you share the natural act of sex.

My story:

He was my first boyfriend and my first love, but the first time was not sweet at all. A bit older than me, it was only the second date and I acted like I had done it before (he definitely had). We fucked hard and fast, and it hurt like hell, but God it was good.

V-Card Diaries: Dakora "I haven't done anything more with a guy than eye contact."

Today we're highlighting Dakora in Australia, who was surprised her ninth grade classmates were having sex, but feels "losing" one's virginity at any age shouldn't be such a big deal. We hope she lets us know how things turn out!If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. Tell us about yourself:

I'm Dakota. I'm a 15-year-old and from Australia. I am in my second last year of high school. I am a virgin and I haven't done anything more with a guy than eye contact. Yes. You read that correctly. Eye contact.

How do you define virginity?

Technically, the loss of virginity is through vaginal sex only, but I find the term pretty flexible.

Tell us your story

It took me a while but I found out that people were having sex in the ninth grade. It was weird. I was still wearing tank tops under my school uniform shirt and the girl who sat two rows behind me in science had an eighteen year-old boyfriend with whom she had regular intercourse. Was everybody having sex but me?

I'm not gonna lie, I think about sex a lot. I'm not planning on waiting until I marry (if I even marry) or even until I love somebody. I think virginity is made a bigger deal than it is, and as a feminist, it's quite a sexist and misogynistic idea.

I don't know when I will lose my virginity. I don't know if I will lose it this year or even when I'm still in high school. Maybe I will be in my twenties. Does it even really matter?

Did I mention I like a cute 17-year-old Christian guy at work? I'll let you know how that turns out.