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Brooke Sheilds: Too ugly to have sex?

In a news item weirdly-connected to the Susan Boyle story, Brooke Sheilds said she thought she was not good looking enough to have sex, which is why she stayed a virgin to the impossibly old age of 22.

I guess the first question is: Why tell us this now, Brooke? Do you have a new show coming out or something and need publicity?

Second question: Since when is 22 way too old to lose your virginity?

And the third question is: Does she really mean for us to believe she didn't have sex because she thought she wasn't pretty enough? [See above] Of course it's perfectly understandable she felt ugly. Our fucked-up society makes even gorgeous fashion models think they're too hideous to be seen in public, let alone on British talent shows. It's just that, in the having-sex dept., it's how others perceive your beauty that generally determines whether or not you get laid.

Besides, I always thought it was some kind of publicity thing her mother dreamed up for her. She was the sexy-but-not-sexual poster girl before Britney even existed. As Brooke told us: Nothing came between her and her Calvins.

In showbiz news: Britney Spears won't be playing Virgin Mary

Sad to report Britney Spears turned down the role of the Virgin Mary in the upcoming comedy "Sweet Baby Jesus." Here's hoping Miley Cyrus is free.

The story centers around a pregnant 19-year-old unsure of her baby daddy who goes into labor on Christmas Eve in Bethlehem, Maryland. So far Lily Tomlin, Tom Green and Pierce Brosnan's son, Sean, have all signed on for the comedy.

"Britney read the script and she really liked it and really wanted to play the role of Mary," [French producer Philippe] Rebboah lamented to Fox News. "She isn't as scandalous in Europe as she is in the States, and I knew she would do a good job, but [people] were so against it and she was pressured. Then she ran into all the trouble with her family so we mutually decided the timing wasn’t right."

The Tragedy of Britney Spears

Lisa found this great quote in the Rolling Stone cover story on Britney Spears. The story is full of all kinds of juicy tidbits from anonymous sources, like the fact that Britney actually lost it at 14 (which she denies), but overall it's pretty depressing. She's clearly dealing with mental illness and there's nothing in her current life that will help that situation.

If Britney was really who we believed her to be — a puppet, a grinning blonde without a cool thought in her head, a teasing coquette clueless to her own sexual power — none of this would have happened. She is not book-smart, granted. But she is intelligent enough to understand what the world wanted of her: that she was created as a virgin to be deflowered before us, for our amusement and titillation.