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Dr NerdLove

“Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.”

“Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.”–Margaret Atwood

“If I can’t have you, girls, I will destroy you” “If we can’t solve our problems we must DESTROY our problems...One day incels* will realize their true strength and numbers, and will overthrow this oppressive feminist system. Start envisioning a world where WOMEN FEAR YOU." Elliot Rodger, as quoted by The Southern Poverty Law Center, one of the first to call the shooting a hate crime.

"...Whether any theoretical mental illness had anything to do with his rampage, it doesn’t negate the fact that he grew up believing in a toxic form of masculinity. That he believed he was entitled to women’s affections and to women’s bodies - and that being deniedwhat he thought was his due meant that the best thing he could do is go murder as many people as he could to punish them. Because that was exactly what he was doing: punishing people for the crime of not fucking him. Of forcing him to be a virgin, of making him less than a man. Because that is exactly what the cultural narrative of masculinity says. A woman who is a virgin is a prize, holding her “special gift” for a “special person”. A male (not a man, a male) is a failure. He is a boy, not a man. He is a failure, because masculinity is rated in two axis’ - in our capacity for sex and our capacity for violence." –Dr. Nerdlove, Paging Dr. Nerdlove on Tumblr

"Because of the misogyny he so plentifully expressed, I read the manifesto looking for examples where he would have been rejected by women.  Oddly enough, there are none, unless we count a girl who pushed and yelled at him in childhood, because he first bumped into her.  Other examples are of the type where a woman he smiled at didn't smile at him, where a woman he said "hi" to didn't respond.  If female rejection was what he mostly blamed for his suffering, where is that rejection in his manifesto?  Or did he expect women to flock to him, without any necessity to make an effort to meet them or talk to them? I cannot say for certain.  But the impression I got is that he never approached women at all, that he expected women to approach him, and when they did not, he felt enormous pains of rejection." Echidne of the Snakes

"So what can we do to stop this? We can refuse to participate in policing other people’s sexuality. We can call it out when we see others doing it. We can petition the media to address the misogyny and sexual double standard when discussing these murders. We can talk about it- blog about it, post status updates about it, write school papers about it, talk to friends about it. When it happens online, we can report it. But we have so much work to do." Dr. Jill McDevitt, The Sexologist on Tumblr

"@virginitymovie: #YesAllWomen because being a man is not defined by whether you've put your penis into a vagina." One of our contributions to #YesAllWomen, many powerful ones at this thread

* Incel is short for involuntary celibacy. Not all incel groups or hubs identify with Men's Rights or Pick Up Artist beliefs, and can be very supportive and female-inclusive. I'll be writing about this in another post.

V-Card Talkback: "Being a virgin at 20 may put you slightly on the trailing edge of the bell curve, but it hardly makes you a space alien or an object of ridicule."

We got such a great comment for our last V-Card Diaries from Katherine titled "I'm so afraid of rejection that I don't know how to approach a guy I'm interested in", that we're sharing it as a post so no one misses it. It's from one of our contributors MHiggo, and we hope it'll have some helpful advice and resources for others who are feeling like Katherine.  Hi Katherine,

I mostly lurk here but feel compelled to respond as your situation sounds very familiar. Being a virgin at 20 may put you slightly on the trailing edge of the bell curve, but it hardly makes you a space alien or an object of ridicule. Also, given Hollywood’s treatment of it, it’s understandable if people think college life is a cavalcade of booze, drugs and sex with the occasional class mixed in, but reality is, as ever, far more mundane. The hook-up scene just does not appeal to some people, and by no means are you a lesser person for not partaking in it.

As for your second paragraph, while people are free to have their preferences, any man who would overlook you simply because he thought your breasts weren’t big enough is a man you likely wouldn’t want to date anyway. Obviously men are not one monolithic group, and a probably-not-insignificant number even prefer women with smaller breasts. Of course, ideally men would be interested in the whole of your person — after all, you’re a human being, not a cup size.

You probably don’t need to mention your virginity right up front, be it on your profile or a first date. Let your date get to know you as a person first and, if things look like they’re taking a physical turn, you can tell them “Hey, by the way, I haven’t been on many dates, so I might need you to take the lead.” (Note: That does not give said date carte blanche to violate your boundaries or disregard your feelings.) Roll it out as a bonus for the other person rather than you having some dreaded disease — after all, they’re looking at a potential partner who’s eager to learn and hasn’t picked up any bad habits from years of dating. You’re a catch!

Lastly, please don’t fret over “catching up”. Everyone progresses at their own pace, and comparing your dating life to that of others is fruitless as your wants and needs are bound to vary. If you’d like some reading material aimed at people with no or very little dating experience, I highly recommend Dr. Nerdlove and Captain Awkward.

Please take particular note of the last link as the letter-writer is a woman in a situation much like yours, even down to being in Europe. It’s not too late for you — not even remotely — and your best days are ahead of you. I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world on your journey.