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Eastern Europe

V-Card Diaries: Francesca "At 14, I was trying to avoid thoughts of being a lesbian and loving a girl."

*Trigger warning for sexual and other violence* Today we’re highlighting Francesca from an Eastern European country, currently living in rural America, who suffered a great deal of abuse before meeting a man she loves. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. .

About me: 

Francesca, 17-year-old dreamer from a beautiful Eastern-European country, exploring the world through the seek-and-find in my mind. Growing up at the seaside in a megapolis, I am an exchange student in rural America.

How I define virginity? 

Innocence of body and mind. When there is nothing to hide from mommy and priests.

My story:

That's a long one. Pretty much a confession. I was the most delightful and kind girl you would ever meet. Never had a bad thought in my innocent head, never upset my mom, took ballet classes and believed I'd become a princess when I grow up. Everybody adored me.

My dad has always had drinking & anger problems. Once I saw him with a knife over my mom. I lost my credibility in men, some months after he hit me and threw me to the wall at the school in front of everybody because I shared my crayons with a girl. I locked up in myself, and that sweet little girl died. I was 8. It happened so that I was about to be sexually assaulted twice, but I got away, and I became obsessed with a fear of being raped and all the men.

I think I've always liked girls as well as boys. When I like somebody, I don't consider them sexually. I've never seen this line between what is right and what is wrong. When I was 12, this older guy desperately fell in love with me. Tons of flowers, chocolates, balloons and books almost everyday- everything a girl can ask for to be the happiest. Made me think that I didn't deserve it and there is no way that could be truth, sooo... I fell in love with his best friend, a girl. She gave me my first kiss.

This was a long story, it lasted 2 years, which ended up with me and her having sex. I was 14. In the cold empty bathtub, pretty fast and painful. It hurt even with one finger inside of me, but I didn't lose my v-card. So innocent and scared before, I ate her out, and I have absolutely no idea how it could happen!!! I was so mentally a virgin that I almost fainted saying 'penis' at my anatomy class. She dumped me, scared of responsibility for my feelings, and it took me 2 years to get over it. I became a wild child, still making A's and never upsetting my mom. I was trying to avoid thoughts of being a lesbian and loving a girl, drinking and smoking stuff to kill the leftovers of innocence.

But then I met him (I was 16). I'm not sure if I did it to prove that I liked guys as well or because I had a big crush on him, but I felt it was right. We made love on the roof of a 16-stories-high building and then on the beach. It hurt a lot but my mind was orgasming from a thought that there is a guy I love above me, and the night city & the sea under...Now everything is as it should be.