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Sex-Positive

A Big Balloon Arch Full of Hymen Myths, All Popped.

We couldn't have said it better–or funnier–ourselves. 

Nobody puts Baby in a corner...or oppresses her with patriarchal paradigms of female sexuality

We missed this video when it came out but thought it was just too tasty not to share it with you all. The Onion's film critic looks back at Dirty Dancing and along with the usual plot points we get these gems, worthy of any Introduction To Human Sexuality and Gender Studies curriculum:

It smashed not only box office records but also the mistaken assumption that adolescent girls shouldn't wait until some arbitrarily-mandated age to explore themselves sexually.

Sexuality is not some light switch that magically turns on when kids reach eighteen.

The film is commendable for modeling to girls that as long as they find a partner who's safe and respectful like Johnny, their sexual awakening can begin whenever they are ready.

The fact that these lines are uttered by a dude who looks like someone's dad makes it extra delightful, and just a little bit creepy. Nobody puts Baby in a corner...or oppresses her with patriarchal paradigms of female sexuality.

h/t to Documentary Doctor Fernanda for sending it our way.

Note: Headline corrected because I can't believe we messed up one of the greatest quotes in cinematic history.

V-Card Diaries: SarahD "I felt awkward, and uncouth, and the braces didn't make oral any more graceful"

Today we're highlighting SarahD in Albany, New York, who expected the first time she had sex to be a one night stand, but instead it turned out to be the beginning of a relationship she is still in today. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.

A little about myself:

I'm a 23-year-old female, who currently lives near Albany, but I've lived all over New York State.

How I define virginity:

I don't, to be honest. I would say there are many types of virginity, if I had to say anything definitive at all.

Here's my story:

I was seventeen, and had just started college. I had gone on one date in high school, which fizzled awkwardly into nothing. A guy sat down with me and a mutual friend at dinner, and we started talking. He invited me back to his room to watch a movie, and I said sure. On the way there, we reconfirmed each others names. Once we got to his room, I sat on the floor to watch, and he suggested we sit or lay on the bed instead. That was when I first realized this might be more than friendship developing. Yes, I was genuinely that clueless.

We cuddled on the bed for a while, and his hands started to roam. I didn't protest, and was rather glad he was taking the lead. Once the movie ended, I invited him back to my room, since I was currently without a roommate. I figured that it might be a one night stand, but at that point I didn't care. I just wanted to figure out why the whole sex thing was so great. I went up to my room first, and waited for him. He took way longer than I thought he would, and I had basically given up, and was calling him an idiot in my head when he finally showed. It turns out he had trouble with his razor, and he had to shave for class the next day.

Despite copious research into the subject of sex, I was still dry mouthed with uncertainty any time I stopped to consider my next move. I felt awkward, and uncouth, and the braces sure didn't make oral any more graceful when I attempted it. The actual penetration was anticlimactic and quite uncomfortable. I now believe I have a mild allergy to something in the condoms the school gave out. I'm glad I did it though. I did honestly enjoy myself, and the gentleman involved has since assured me I didn't seem nearly as awkward as I felt. I still think he's being nice about that though.

All in all, it was a good experience. I don't know if I'd do it again, being much more aware of the risks I took, but hey, it turned out all right the first time. Despite my belief that this was probably a one night stand, it wasn't. I think I'd have been fine if it was, but as it turns out, that was the beginning of a relationship I'm still in today. I may even wear a white dress at the wedding.

V-Card Diaries: Alessia "He reminded me of Christian Grey, but the way he kissed alone made my knees weak."

Today we're highlighting Alessia in Long Island, NY whose first-time experience, after a month of texting, was "romantic, sexy, gentle, passionate, and rough all at the same time." If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.A little about myself:

I am a 21-year-old woman living in Long Island, New York and going to grad school in Manhattan.

How I define virginity:

I don't really define it. I think it's completely up to an individual to decide what their virginity is/isn't.

Here's my story:

Over this past summer, when I was 20, I had gone up to my friend's college house to celebrate her roommate's 21st birthday. After spending the day drinking and partying at their house, we hit the most popular, hipster dive bars there and that's where I saw him. He was almost the exact physical definition of my dream guy: a beard, brown hair, green eyes, just so fucking sexy. We couldn't keep our eyes off of each other while he was playing pool and finally he approached me and we got to talking.

All of my friends wanted to head back to the house at that point but he asked if I would wait with him until he finished his game of pool and then we'd go back together. Normally, I'd be a little apprehensive about this but since some of the girls we were with knew him, I said ok. On the way back we did some making out, hung out at the house a little, and then I walked him back to his car and we made out some more and made plans to see each other the following weekend despite the 3 hour difference between us.

That didn't work out, unfortunately, and I left for Italy for 2 weeks the following week. He texted me once while I was there, but since my texting was limited we weren't able to talk a lot.

Eventually, things between us died down and we didn't speak for over a month. I met a different guy and we dated for a little bit but on my 21st birthday he dumped me. Feeling down, I texted the guy from the bar and we started talking again.

We began talking everyday for over a month and a lot of it involved intense sexting and describing in detail what we'd do to each other in person. Well, today, we finally got the chance to see each other in person cause he made the trek down to where I live cause we couldn't take the waiting and frustration any longer.

So, first we got lunch but the sexual tension was so strong that we rushed back to my place and went straight for my room. He reminded me of Christian Grey, by the things he said and the way he looks, but the way he kissed alone made my knees weak. We both stripped down and did some foreplay, (he had the biggest dick I had ever seen in my entire life so I was terrified of how painful it was going to be). When it was finally time to have sex, I told him the truth that that's the only thing I had never done before.

He was super nice, gentle, and understanding about the whole thing. Even though it was painful, it did eventually feel good enough that I had multiple orgasms. Even when I started to bleed a little and got so embarrassed I almost left the room to go wash myself, he kissed me and told me it was perfectly natural and not even slightly embarrassing and continued on.

It was just so romantic, sexy, gentle, passionate, and rough all at the same time and I seriously hope I can have sex with him again.

One of the many lies we're told about sex

"Whether we’re being told we have to do it with someone else (masturbation isn’t “real” sex), we have to do it with someone of the opposite sex, we have to do it in a bed, 2.5 times a week, or some other form of this lie, there are no lack of people who want to feed you the lie that there is only one (or two) right ways to have sex. The truth is that there are no rules (beyond age and consent) to how you can have healthy and fun sex. Whenever you catch someone feeding you this lie, call them on it." From "Lies We're Told About Sex" by Cory Silverberg, About:Sexuality

V-Card Diaries: Lucky "We were 14 and 15 and in love. It took us a year to go all the way."

Today we're highlighting Lucky in Wisconsin, who had a dedicated, engaged partner who wanted her to be happy, satisfied and connected in a sexual way. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. A little about myself:

I'm a 30 year old business owner, who happens to be a divorced woman in Wisconsin, with a beautiful 2-year-old daughter.

How I define virginity:

There are many things that constitute virginity - But in my book becoming a sexual being is what is meant by 'virginity' - understanding sex in a sexual context and the loss of childhood and innocence.

Here's my story:

I met a very wonderful boy when I was 13, and he was 14. We were very committed to each other and spent tons of time together. We talked (at length) about EVERYTHING under the sun and spent time together every day. We knew each other very well - to say the least. We understood what sex was, and we moved from making out, to exploration of each other's bodies, to sexual touching, oral, and then moved on to penetrative sex. It took us over a year to go "all the way" - We were 14 and 15, and in love, in my bedroom when my parents were gone the first time we had penetrative sex. But looking back I was SO LUCKY! I had a dedicated engaged partner that wanted me to be happy, satisfied and connected to him in an intimate emotional and sexual way. I can't even imagine any better way to have been introduced to sex!

It was amazing, and connected, and so much better than "waiting" - putting too much pressure on one act. When I finally told my mother there was 'disappointment' and she was basically horrified by my young introduction to sex - (being an underage mother herself) lots of shaming and guilt trips followed. But somehow, they balanced each other out and the enjoyment of sex and the relationship continued all through my time in High School.

As an adult I'm a fully-realized sexual being that is not afraid of their sexuality. I have explored myself and 2 other long-term partners along my journey of life. I understand how to express myself in a sexual way, and I hope for my daughter that she will be able to have as good an experience as I did, when she is in love and ready - just as I did.

V-Card Diaries: Gwen "I wasn't raised in a sexually repressive atmosphere. Quite the opposite."

Today we're highlighting Gwen in Sweden whose first sexual partner was an Eminem wannabe she met at a Bartles and James wine cooler party. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.A little about myself:

39-year-old dual American-Swedish citizen living in Sweden. After two unhappy long term relationships (one of which was mostly sexless) I am engaged to the man of my dreams.

How I define virginity:

Having never done anything sexual before, and this includes masturbation. By this definition, I lost my virginity at the age of four, since that's when I started masturbating.

Here's my story:

I've always been a very sexual woman. I was a very horny little girl and began masturbating when I was about four years old. Thankfully, I wasn't raised in a sexually repressive atmosphere. Quite the opposite, really. My mother put me on the pill when I was sixteen, although I had already lost my virginity by then.

When I was fifteen I went on a date with a guy that I met through a friend. He was a white rapper, kind of an Eminem wannabe type. We went to a party where everyone was drinking Bartles and James wine coolers with Sweet Child of Mine playing in the background. Someone handed me a Fuzzy Navel cooler, but I could only drink a few sips of this overly sweet alcopop. I didn't know I was going to have sex for the first time that night, but after making out on a sofa for about an hour, I decided I was ready. I asked him if he had protection and he said yes.

We ventured outside for a little privacy. He laid his jacket on the ground and he proceeded to remove my jeans. The make out session left me nice and lubed up, but it still hurt like hell when he penetrated me. The pain was surprising, and I remember telling him to stop. He stopped thrusting so I could relax a little, and then we continued. After a few minutes it stopped hurting and I started to enjoy it, although I certainly didn't come.

Afterwards, we got dressed and he took me home. That was the only time I ever went out with him and I never saw him again, although I did talk to him once or twice afterwards.

After that, I didn't have sex again for almost a year.

V-Card Diaries: 18 Birthday "I remember taking my clothes off, even my necklace, but for whatever reason I left on my glasses."

Today we're highlighting 18 Birthday In My Birthday Suit, who at 38 has learned that it's quality, not quantity. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. A little about myself:

I am a 38 years old living in Kentucky who believes that sex is not a shameful act! I enjoy it and have had more than my fair share of partners but as my age has progressed I have learned its quality not quantity!

How I define virginity:

I used to see virginity as a gift that you gave the one man you loved. It was special. Now I see it as just another way for a man to take a little piece of you. It will stay with you good or bad forever so try to "give it" to a good one so you don't cringe every time you think of it.

Here's my story:

It was my 18th birthday and well lets just say I will never forget it. I was so scared Mike was older than me maybe 23 or 24. We were out with friends doing the back road drinking and 4x4 mudding which is the rural community standard. Then before ya know it Mike and I were kissing in the front of his lifted toyota metallic blue truck. Music was going I remember hearing Once Bitten Twice Shy which was appropriate. :-) I remember taking my clothes off even my necklace but I for whatever reason left on my glasses. I remember it hurt a bit but it was done and over with pretty quickly and in my head I literally said "happy birthday to me!" I of course "fell in love" because I thought you only do it if you love someone. Needless to say that one other time Mike and I got together and the lesson was learned that sex does not equate love!

Women feel less guilty about losing their virginity, but is that the conversation we need to be having?

Note: Another story on this study just came out, so we're reposting this response.  

Image via Rise, Rebel, Resist tumblr

As someone who's been working for years to bust mythologies and change the conversation around virginity, I give a serious hooray for reducing guilt around first intercourse for women. Writing about a new study,  Salon reports in "Science: Losing your virginity isn’t as awkward as it was 20 years ago":

"According to a study from the University of Illinois, young adults have felt better and better about their first-time sexual experiences for the past 23 years, with the difference between men’s and women’s emotional responses to early sexual intercourse decreasing over time."

And this:

"The researchers discovered that gender differences in response to virginity loss diminished greatly over time, which they suspect might be “because of a reduction, in general, of social regulation of female sexuality and in the double standard” of sexual expression for each gender."

It's no surprise that women are feeling less guilt and shame around becoming sexual. They have more agency to choose how, when and why they'll become sexual. (Thank you, Feminism) Women know more than they ever did about their bodies and how to get pleasure from the experience (Thank you Scarleteen and the other fantastic online resources). And maybe, just maybe, the guys are paying more attention to women's pleasure as well. (Thank you again, Feminism).

But, as writer Jenny Kutner points out:

"It’s important to note, though, that men do still exhibit more positive responses and experience more pleasure than women — also because of the “reduction” in the policing of women’s bodies and not its complete obliteration."

Reduction, not obliteration, and I'd argue in the last 8 years, some significant increases. There's the $1.5 billion worth of inaccurate, sexist shaming  from Abstinence-Until Marriage programs, and the near constant stream of slut-shamingrape cases dismissed or hushed up, and legislative attacks on women's reproductive rights and resources. Young women are also facing more pressure to have sex (call it prude-shaming?) and then get a steaming pile of mixed messages like the always-popular 'be sexy but don't have sex."

Even comprehensive sex classes don't talk much about how both women and men can get pleasure from sex, or how to ask for and respect consent. A woman having pre-marital sex may be more acceptable than in the past, but so is having your own bank account and keeping your last name.

One thing that continues to be frustrating is using intercourse as the sexual benchmark for these studies. Why are we measuring the start of sexuality by a penis going into a vagina? First,  it's a heterosexual framework, leaving out a chunk of the sex-having population. But also, our V-Card Diaries story collection is full of young women writing that everything they did pre-intercourse was pleasurable, but intercourse itself was a let down.

No surprise: that's not how most women orgasm, especially when they're first starting to have sex. But the study insists on measuring women's pleasure by how much they enjoyed intercourse, and then they're actually surprised that it's so low. Please let's stop selling intercourse the big sexual prize for women and recognize there are lots of ways to have sex that don't involve a penis in a vagina. 

The progress is great, but we need to keep working to change the conversation about women, virginity and sex to one that's not only non-judgmental, but also recognizes diverse sexual experiences, and puts consent and pleasure at the top of the must-have list.

MagicWand

[Get more graphics and gifs here]

V-Card Diaries: Sara "I was 16 and I wanted to lose my virginity to any guy who had long hair and was decently cute."

Today we're highlighting Sara in Michigan. She feels confident in her sexuality and refuses to let society discourage her.  If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.

A little about myself:

I am a 19-year-old female from Michigan

How I define virginity:

I define virginity as never having had a penis inside of you.

Here's my story:

I was 16 and I wanted to lose my virginity to any guy who had long hair and was decently cute. I guess I lived up to my 16-year-old standards. We lost our virginity together on our 2-month anniversary. We lost it at his sister's 13th birthday party. Out in the woods. It was awkward but it felt good in the end so who cares. I have no shame cause it was what I wanted at the time and I live life with no regrets. I've had 2 other sexual partners since, but having sex is what makes me happy so I don't let people make me feel bad about my choices. Simple as that.

Women feel less guilty about losing their virginity, but is that the conversation we need to be having?

 

Image via Rise, Rebel, Resist tumblr

As someone who's been working for years to bust mythologies and change the conversation around virginity, I give a serious hooray for reducing guilt around first intercourse for women. Writing about a new study,  Salon reports in "Science: Losing your virginity isn’t as awkward as it was 20 years ago":

"According to a study from the University of Illinois, young adults have felt better and better about their first-time sexual experiences for the past 23 years, with the difference between men’s and women’s emotional responses to early sexual intercourse decreasing over time."

And this:

"The researchers discovered that gender differences in response to virginity loss diminished greatly over time, which they suspect might be “because of a reduction, in general, of social regulation of female sexuality and in the double standard” of sexual expression for each gender."

It's no surprise that women are feeling less guilt and shame around becoming sexual. They have more agency to choose how, when and why they'll become sexual. (Thank you, Feminism) Women know more than they ever did about their bodies and how to get pleasure from the experience (Thank you Scarleteen and the other fantastic online resources). And maybe, just maybe, the guys are paying more attention to women's pleasure as well. (Thank you again, Feminism).

But, as writer Jenny Kutner points out:

"It’s important to note, though, that men do still exhibit more positive responses and experience more pleasure than women — also because of the “reduction” in the policing of women’s bodies and not its complete obliteration."

Reduction, not obliteration, and I'd argue in the last 8 years, some significant increases. There's the $1.5 billion worth of inaccurate, sexist shaming  from Abstinence-Until Marriage programs, and the near constant stream of slut-shamingrape cases dismissed or hushed up, and legislative attacks on women's reproductive rights and resources. Young women are also facing more pressure to have sex (call it prude-shaming?) and then get a steaming pile of mixed messages like the always-popular 'be sexy but don't have sex."

Even comprehensive sex classes don't talk much about how both women and men can get pleasure from sex, or how to ask for and respect consent. A woman having pre-marital sex may be more acceptable than in the past, but so is having your own bank account and keeping your last name.

One thing that continues to be frustrating is using intercourse as the sexual benchmark for these studies. Why are we measuring the start of sexuality by a penis going into a vagina? First,  it's a heterosexual framework, leaving out a chunk of the sex-having population. But also, our V-Card Diaries story collection is full of young women writing that everything they did pre-intercourse was pleasurable, but intercourse itself was a let down.

No surprise: that's not how most women orgasm, especially when they're first starting to have sex. But the study insists on measuring women's pleasure by how much they enjoyed intercourse, and then they're actually surprised that it's so low. Please let's stop selling intercourse the big sexual prize for women and recognize there are lots of ways to have sex that don't involve a penis in a vagina. 

The progress is great, but we need to keep working to change the conversation about women, virginity and sex to one that's not only non-judgmental, but also recognizes diverse sexual experiences, and puts consent and pleasure at the top of the must-have list.

MagicWand

[Get more graphics and gifs here]

V-Card Diaries: Rosa "My kissing number's already up to 50. I'll stick to safe sexual fun."

 Today we're highlighting Rosa in New Jersey. For her, kissing is a safe way to have sexual fun until she finds Mr. Right. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. A little about myself:

19 years old, female, and I'm in New Jersey, United States.

How I define virginity?

My standard definition of virginity is the old fashioned PIV. But really, once there's been penis penetration of any of the '3 holes,' then I personally wouldn't consider myself to be a virgin anymore.

Here's my story:

I'm still a virgin at 19 years. And it's not because of social awkwardness or because I fear sex, but because I choose to be. But on the flip side, I'm not saving myself for marriage, and I'm fine with being sexual with guys just a little.

I love kissing. And being intimate with a boy, but WITHOUT taking my clothes off or the fondling/groping. I love stimulating and interacting with someone else, and just enjoying the fact that I'm touching another person, and not just using someone for an orgasm, but actually feeling all the different reactions they have over the hours... that's the best kind of intimacy to me.

The irony about my virginity is that I don't have any set rules for the # of guys I can kiss, cuddle, or have full on make-out sessions with. My kissing number's already up to 50, and I've had dozens of make-out sessions with half as many guys...

That's my whole point on why I feel it's safe. I still get to have A LOT of fun with all these different guys, but don't need to worry if I'll catch an STD (I got cold sores when I was little, so I'm not concerned about oral herpes, and I know fingering is pretty safe, but if they've cuts on their hands viruses can still transmitted, and that's not a risk I'm willing to take).

Another reason that I like keeping those boundaries is because if a boy were trying to/thinking of using me for sex, well, all he's going to get is some kissing, not my body.

Also, I do want to find Mr.Right someday. But in the meantime, I'll stick to safe sexual fun, so to me, being a virgin's actually pretty awesome xD.

V-Card Diaries: Lauren "There were 3 boys and a girl and I slept with all of them."

Today we're highlighting Lauren in England, who doesn't have regrets about having her sexual debut with multiple people she barely knew because they made her feel safe and secure. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. A little about myself:

18, female, England

How I define virginity:

The first penetration of the vagina with the penis, or, for men, the first time they penetrate someone else, other than oral. But maybe oral is a different virginity. Huh.

Here's my story:

I was at a party, I was fairly drunk, there were 3 boys and a girl and I slept with all of them. They had experience. They wore protection. I've always been very open to sexual experiences but had never had any previous advances or met anyone interested in me - it was liberating. I thought I wanted to be in a safe, secure and comfortable relationship, to slowly build up to sex, tick off all the bases, but these people that I barely knew made me feel safe and secure, for this reason I have no regrets.

I realised that I have placed a lot of significance on my virginity: Sex is a basic instinct, it's almost as though there is a sense of shame or loss in the act. I'd touched myself and masturbated, and I personally found sex to be merely a glorified, easier, warmer, more pleasurable, more emotional form of masturbation. I felt confident and alive, attractive and relaxed. It was freeing.

I am now in a relationship, not one of those boys, not even the girl (but I am certain of my bisexuality), but another guy, a good friend. He thought I was very innocent and was surprised (as I was) when he learnt of my rampant sex drive. I felt needy, but not vulnerable. I felt like I had been unleashed, awakened - my fears were gone - so when he was ready, I was ready. It was easy and natural and sober. I found myself even more aroused and excited, despite my inexperience.

I enjoy sex and am not ashamed about that, but I wish the subject of virginity, sex, and masturbation was socially acceptable, so that I could discuss them comfortably. It felt right. I'm not hurt or afraid. Trust your instincts and to do what is right for yourself. You can say no. You can say yes. Don't be ashamed of your wants, revel in the fact that you are human and can feel, share that feeling, let it grow, be yourself, if it isn't right it isn't right. If it is right, enjoy it.

V-Card Diaries: Ms. Beavers "It was painful for me, nerve-wracking, and beautiful–and sex got much better after the initial pain!"

Today we're highlighting Ms. Beavers in Bakersfield, CA. Her sexual debut was nothing was painful and nothing like the movies, but still a pure bonding experience. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.A little about yourself:

I am a 21 year old female who originates from California–specifically, Bakersfield.

How I define virginity:

Losing your virginity is more than physical penetration. It is a development of emotions, maturity, connections, and (hopefully) pleasure. Being a virgin is having a sense of purity within your own body. The term "losing your virginity" has a negative connotation, but is completely construed because if you have a positive experience, it can be the beginning of an entirely new chapter in life of love, passion, desire, and responsibility.

Here's my story:

I am currently 21 and had my sexual debut at age 18. My story involves my high school sweetheart–we met when we were 15 and are still currently together. We waited 3 and a half years to have sex! It was after our freshman year of college that I had my dorm room to myself (plus him) and we just decided that it was time for us. It was nothing like the movies–the intense, passionate, screaming double orgasms. It was painful for me, nerve-wracking, and beautiful. Sharing that connection that neither of us had experienced with anyone else, and knowing that we are each other's keepers still to this day, is one of the most pure bonding experiences I've ever had. Oh, and sex got much better after the initial pain!

V-Card Diaires: Alana "Is it in? I can't tell," I said. "Nope," he replied.

Today we're highlighting Alana in the US, who once bought a dilator vibrator to help with intercourse but broke it the first time she used it. Is that a sign? If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.A little about myself:

I'm a nineteen year old student studying engineering. I identify as cis-female and bisexual.

How I define virginity?

I guess I define sex as an activity that arouses everyone involved. The more I've tried to define it, the more vague my definition got. The penis-in-vagina definition definitely does not fit with my experience as all of my pleasant sexual experiences with both men and women did not involve penetration.

Here's my story:

I had my first sexual experience last year when I had my first kiss with my first boyfriend. Over the course of the year I've tried heavy petting, manual sex, and oral sex, and mutual masturbation all of which felt like sex, and I don't count any one of those moments as the single moment I lost my virginity. What surprised me about all of my experiences was how comfortable I felt. It helped that I had had explicit conversations about boundaries and expectations with my partners beforehand.

What I definitely do not define as losing my virginity was when I tried to have penis-in-vagina intercourse. The first time I tried, I was fooling around with my boyfriend when I told him I wanted to have sex with him. He put on a condom and covered it with lube, and I got on top of him. I soon found that I couldn't even get his penis inside of me.

"Is it in? I can't tell," I said. "Nope," he replied. The we spent an awkward lengthy amount of time trying to get it in to no avail. It was disappointing and really killed the mood. The next time we tried, it started out similarly with awkward hole finding, shoving, and getting lube everywhere. Eventually I got it in, and I knew immediately that it was in because I felt searing pain, yelled and took it out.

I thought the third time would be the charm. It wasn't. It went exactly the same as the second time. I haven't tried have intercourse since then because it hurt so badly. I bought I dilator vibrator because I thought it would help me be able to have intercourse with my boyfriend. It ended up breaking during my first use.

V-Card Diaries: Billy "At one point she asked if I had to touch myself to come which I replied I f***ing hope not!"

Our latest V-Card Diaries comes from Billy in Australia, who feels like experience has taught him to be a more conscientious and giving lover. Billy saw How To Lose Your Virginity on Australian TV, and the film will have another broadcast in Australia on Studio on Feb. 15, 2014. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. We'd love to run it in this blog. About me:

I'm 24, male and from Australia.

How I define virginity:

Until seeing How To Lose Your Virginity I still thought there was some credibility to the breaking of the hymen. Not as naively as some might and I knew it wasn't black and white but I didn't realize how varied and sometimes nearly non-existent it could be. Apart from that I think it has to be an objective thing, it's not wrong to classify it as penis in vagina sex, for me that was the first time I'd had extensive sexual contact with another person. Different expressions of ones sexual personality shared with others can mean just as much if not more than the standard heterosexual standard so I think the old rules should be forgotten but not replaced with new rules. The discussion/debate will go on.

Here's my story:

I was 16 years old and the girl I first had sex with was 17 (maybe 18). She was a friend of a friend that I'd met just a few weeks before the act. She had just come out of a two year relationship and was looking for a bit of a rebound fling. We hooked up a couple of times and it became evident that she wanted to sleep with me, openly as a bit of a rebound. There was more to it than just right place right time but I wasn't offended to be targeted as a means to her pleasure. When we did actually have sex I was well inebriated and it lasted much longer than either of us expected, at one point she asked if I had to touch myself to come which I replied I fucking hope not! The second time was much quicker. Overall it was funny and stupid, I was inexperienced and through experiences later on I'm glad I've learned to become (I hope) a more conscientious and giving lover. Still lots to learn, no one person is the same after all.

A final thought for the year...

20131117_212811We had nothing less than an amazing 2013, with the premiere of How To Lose Your Virginity in festivals and and on televisions all over the world, our theater-busting New York premiere at DOC NYC (Therese and Lisa are trying to kiss our poster, left). We're totally thrilled about what's coming up in 2014: Our US TV premiere in February on Fusion, attending the Filmmor Film Festival in Istanbul in March (Therese's favorite city), and speaking at Catalyst Con about Older Virginity. Get the whole exciting update here.

Earlier this year, we launched the new home of The V-Card Diaries, and have received over 250 of your stories of 'sexual debuts and deferrals.' We have so many in fact, that we're backlogged on posting them, so one of our resolutions is to catch up in the next couple of weeks!

One of our 2014 wish is to get schools to stop hiring people like Justin Lookadoo to lie to young people, and get more teens to call #lookadoo bullshit like his audience did. Yay! Mostly, we hope you'll help us continue the conversation about the experience of becoming sexual–and the radical act of speaking honestly about it.

We'll leave you with this wise quote from Abby Rose Dalto of Evil Slutopia as part of the #mysexpositivity series at Condom Monologues:

"You can be sex positive even if you’re not having sex at all, as long as you don’t judge others for their sexual choices or try to control their sexual choices. Our society is so obsessed with what everyone else is doing in bed. So to me, sex positivity is about acknowledging that we’re all different, we all like what we like, and that’s okay."

V-Card Diaries: Elle "Someone who cared about my well-being was all I wanted for my first time."

Today we're highlighting Elle on the East Coast of the United States, whose first time taught her about the power of being open, honest, and talking things out. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. About me:

23. Female. East Coast born now living in the Midwest.

How I define virginity: 

When one's sex organ has not been breached or breaches another for the first time for sexual intercourse.

My story:

I met this guy while ice skating. After a few session and seeing him, my best friend and I befriended him and his friend. We hung out as a group quite a bit and he started showing interest in my best friend (we met him at the same time and nobody called dibs). One night while at his place we were all in the same bed watching a movie, with him in the middle, and ended up falling asleep. Half way through the night he was spooning me. Needless to say I didn't get much sleep after that fretting about how my friend would feel the next morning. It was never mentioned the next day or ever after that.

After that night he started showing me interest, and it had been a while since somebody had shown interested in me so I went for it. I started hanging out with him without my friend. I eventually started to stay to watch Generation Kill since we had a mutual love for the show. Those nights we ended up making out and groping one another. He knew I was a virgin. He was fine with waiting but that didn't stop him from telling me how much he wanted me so "badly."

It was about a month and a half of knowing him and a few weeks of random nights over when I told him I wanted to have sex. He was a bit shocked and kept asking if I was sure. He was gentle and kind about it. Making sure I wasn't in too much pain. It wasn't horrible, but it was an uncomfortable feeling.

Directly after the experience happened and still to this day, nearly two years later I don't regret it. I had thought about waiting till marriage since a I was child, because that is what I though people did. Then in my late teens it changed to waiting for the right person. I never thought I would lose my virginity to a guy I only knew for about two months, but there was a connection. Who is to say if he was or wasn't the "right person." I am just thankful for the way he treated me during sex and cared about my well-being. I believe that is all I wanted for my first time.

I view myself as somebody who is a bit awkward and unknowing in what to do in the situation of mutual attraction. The experience I had with this guy taught me a lot about myself and what I want out of a relationship, and that there is power in being open, honest and talking things out. I got comfortable being able to talk about my feelings and subjects that are tough to talk about.

What is the cost of shame in our society? A story-sharing project invites you to speak the truth about your sex life.

I want to let everyone know about a great story-sharing campaign led by Melissa Tapper Goldman, the director of Subjectified, an oral history of sex from the point of view of nine diverse women. We first wrote about the film back in 2009, long before we got to know the fabulous Melissa in person.

Now, Subjectified wants to hear your stories as well, so for the rest of November they've got a tumblr called Do Tell where you can share your experiences. Things like: How often you think about sex, how do your feelings about your body affect your sex life, what impact sexual assault has had on your life, and a lot more.

Here's Melissa to tell you more:

What is the cost of shame? What do we lose when we aren’t able to talk about sex openly? Sexuality is a part of all of our lives, and sex is pervasive in media, advertising and popular culture. But authentic and diverse expressions of real sexuality, particularly women’s, are depressingly lacking. What parts of our sex lives are silenced? What would be different if we could speak openly about all aspects of our sexual lives?

Let’s find out. This month, Subjectified is hosting an international story-sharing series called Do Tell, inviting people to anonymously submit stories about their sexual histories. The project started with the documentary Subjectified, where nine very different young women from around the US spoke up about their sexual lives, breaking stigmas and creating compassionate conversations. Now, we’re inviting everyone to participate with the Do Tell story-sharing campaign.

Please share a story about your sexual self, up to 350 words. Why? Because we live in a sex-saturated culture with precious little honest and authentic discussion of sexuality. Because speaking our truths, with all their complications and imperfections and beauty, challenges a culture of shame that impacts us every day. Because our voices and our histories matter.

Check it out. I know you love to tell your stories!

V-Card Diaries: Naren "My 5 kisses were on stage in front of 500 people. I was 13, playing Liesl; the guy was 19, playing Rolf."

Today we're highlighting Naren from Canada, who is in a relationship with a really caring guy who respects her boundaries. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. About me:

I'm 19, and live somewhere different every 2-3 months. So far, it's always in Canada.

How I define virginity:

I'm not sure. I think it's different for every person. In regards to my own, it's definitely PIV sex, because this is what terrifies me the most. Not because of religious or other views; physical intimacy of any kind has always scared me, for no reason that I can discern.

My story:

My 5 kisses were on stage in front of 500 people. I was 13, playing Liesl; the guy was 19, playing Rolf. They meant nothing.

Throughout high school, people questioned my sexuality because of my short hair, lack of make-up, and "boy" clothes. I didn't know what my sexuality was. I still don't know how I identify. And I don't care. I suppose I'm close to demisexual or grey-A, but really, I'm just a person; sometimes I'm attracted to other people. We may do intimate stuff - or not. It doesn't matter, so long as everything is consensual, and both sides are open and caring.

Currently, I'm in my first relationship; we've been dating nearly 8 months. It's long distance, and we've only spent about 3 in-person weeks together. Neither of us had any experience to start. Mine was largely due to a huge fear of intimacy. It means the world to me how caring he is; he will never push for contact, and always asks where my boundaries are and then has absolute respect for them. He says he would enjoy going further than we do, but is happy to stay at whatever level I'm comfortable at.

I love him, and he loves me. Different kinds of sex might happen, but it doesn't define our relationship. Personally, I couldn't have it any other way, but our brand of chemistry is just one of an infinite number. People should do whatever's right for them; the important part is being in relationships that are sensitive to the needs of all sides.