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bristol palin

Bristol: Your Audience Can't Hear You

Our abstinence correspondent Formerly Fundamentalist has more on Bristol Palin: Graduated Bristol Palin and poster baby of pro-life, son Tripp, take the cover of People magazine this week. The accompanying article doesn't reveal anything new about a middle class teen's life post-giving-birth.

The overall message (as is consistent with the GOP platform – minus Megan McCain – she loves loves loves sex if you hadn't heard): Don't have sex, kids. It will ruin you're effin' life.
But anyone who's been to youth group has heard this message. It was one I took to heart and vagina. And despite a few successful blow jobs, I eventually walked down the aisle a technical virgin. All data would indicate that I was then, and am now MORE SO, the exception to the rule. Luckily, the guilt of the Lord kept me cleanish in the ways of sex. However, thinking about my teen mindset steeped in id, I didn't hear much else.My point is the inherent flaw of teenagers is their inability to fully understand the consequences of their actions. This is why you equip them with knowledge of how to proceed safely in lieu of scaring them into "abstinence" (which includes, possibly, unsafe anal).

Yes, Bristol, you have the screaming baby of nightmares to showcase your bad decisions. What do most teens have? A throbbing libido demanding attention and the ego which informs them "it won't happen to me." Trixie's note: How tired are we of stuff like this?

"If girls realized the consequences of sex, nobody would be having sex," says Bristol, sitting at her parents' lakeside patio table. "Trust me. Nobody."

If girls – and guys – realized the consequences of sex, they'd realize they should use protection.End of story. Aargh!

Bristol Palin: Proud Mother, Future Possibly-Employed Real Estate Agent

Our abstinence correspondent Formerly Fundamentalist checks in with Bristol Palin: Congratulations, Bristol! You graduated from high school! Your future's so bright, you've got to wear shades! Tiny baby shades for Tripp, too! Blow Pops all around! Uh, wait, your plan is... what is it again?

"...she says she hopes to go to an area college for a two-year business degree and then a job, possibly in real estate."
Did Alaska avoid the housing crisis? Your mom is the best governor ever!

Bristol Palin Dumped That Hot,Backwoods Guy

Our abstinence correspondent Formerly Fundamentalist has been thinking a lot about Bristol and Levi's breakup:

Levi & Bristol: Totes dunzo. Send out the Gossip Girl blast.

Everyone with a goddamn blog or news program is waxing googley about it like they’re Bayside’s Lisa Turtle.Under abstinence-education discussion cloaks, political party punditry veils (I’m looking at you Fox & Friends, Rove) and even transparent KGB-levels of invitations into her womb-decisions, everyone’s acting like this is news but really it’s just two teenagers with a bastard kid who broke up. SHIT HAPPENS.

Admittedly, I held some interest at first – even expressing to Therese I found their relationship “intriguing”. But after the hazel-smolder of Levi’s eyes sogged, I left intrigue for “dur”. Is this really that shocking?

Unfortunately, the political and literal sins of politicos, celebutards, Ponzi-schemers—bring exposure of the intimate and dumb details of their children, every bit of it sound bitable. Then you’ve got “journalists” presenting gossip as important. Like, srsly, makes me want to vom. Srsly.

What’s up with Greta Van Sustren? Here’s a paraphrased run down of her riveting and probing questions of 18-year-old Bristol; I learned so, so much. “Is it hard?” Yes. “Do you sleep?” No. “Does the family help?” Yes, even the short one. “Do you wish you would have waited?” YES.Really revealing: a teenager in a conservative, middle class family fucked up and now everyone is dealing with it. NEXT.

Then you’ve got this guy: Steve Waldman from HuffPo. He dares to ask, “Should Bristol Palin’s Baby Have Been Put Up for Adoption?

Answer: None of your goddamn business, STEVE.

Hey, I agree: adoption is commonly left off the options list, but this topic is a fruitless, certainly rotten one as

1)Bristol obviously desired motherhood, just came early – but not at 13-years-old-early. She’s a fucking adult for Obama’s sake.

2)She has a shit ton of family and resources to help – a privilege for even a married woman in her 20s or 30s.

3)It's dangerous territory to mess around in. When you start questioning someone’s reproductive choice, you are on a slippery slope to the puritanical disembowelment of Roe v Wade.

Bristol isn’t who she’s going to be, not by a long shot. I’ve changed in a thousand different ways since I was 18 – since I was 29. She’s going to be OK. She’s got support, love for Tripp and opportunity. This experience will most assuredly shape her worldview over the next few years. And really, I wouldn’t be surprised if at 21, she gave the big “fuck you” to mama’s GOP.Whatever happens – we’ll know.