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Abstinence-Only Coolness for Girls: Someone at Iron Hymen Gets It

Our Former Fundamentalist weighs in on her sisters in abstinence:I have no context for this website: where it originated or its creator's home address (I'd love to buy you a beer!), when it may be updated (plz!? morez!?!), but the satire is smart, funny and just as extremely ridiculous as the notion that abstinence-only education works.

After all, SCIENCE doesn't support the effectiveness of such curriculum, so it must be rooted in body-hate, vagina-hate, women-hate, penis-hate, and God, possibly the logic of Ann Coulter.

After careful examination of the site's logo (cherrys dancing around a padlock), I knew extreme-program abstinence was getting punked. Some clever bits:

Cool Program Testimonials: Crystal F.: "I used to suffer terribly from dirty dreams about boys. Thankfully, now my Iron Hymen Libido-Be-Gone™ thong panties keep my dreams clean – and my yucky cooter bone-dry!"

Take the "Iron Hymen" Abstinence-Only Pledge: 2. To never wear trampy stuff like shorts or t-shirts or open-toed shoes, which basically tell horny perverts that I'm a major tramp who's just asking for it.

Link to Ten Things Every Girl Should Know About Boys And Their Vile Private Parts by Mrs. George W. Bush: 1. Unlike your girly privates, which are internal, boy privates are external. God knew that nobody wanted to see all our lady mess, so He pushed everything up inside you. What in tarnation He was thinking when he came up with that nasty, dangling, squishy flesh on boys beats the heck out of me, but I suspect it was so it would be easier for Him to keep an eye on what they're up to. Because trust me: that grotesque grab bag of horror and disappointment is always up to something, gals.

Sure, it's severely hyperbolic, but if you strip away the hilarity and honesty, aren't these ACTUAL points of view by some lawmakers, teens and parents?[Side note: We celebrated the Iron Hymen t-shirt in our post on designing your own abstinence t-shirt.]