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casual sex

V-Card Diaries: Rebecca "We're both young Christian Republicans who do not care that sex goes against our main ideologies"

Writing from: Gilroy, California

Age: 15 years old

How I define virginity: Once the penis is inside the vagina, you've lost your virginity. However, if you're gay or lesbian, it's obviously different.

Freshman year, I met him at a football game and we talked often and loved seeing each other. He was super sweet to me, but I realized that I wasn't really in to him, so I stopped talking to him, in order to not lead him on. We still politely greeted each other whenever we saw one another.

Now sophomores, we started talking again because he was talking to one of my best friends. I think we became such close friends when we realized we were both freaky people, the only difference being, which I didn't tell him, that I was a virgin. We told each other that we'd hook up before we graduated, even as he currently will probably soon date another girl in my class. I told him to call me on a rainy day, and we actually set that day for two weeks from now. We then realized that we both got out of school early this past Friday, and decided to meet then.

At 11:50 am, I dashed out of school and started the journey to his house. I walked through dangerous parts of the big city and got to his house at around 1:45 pm. There was a slight delay in time because I had to compose my nerves in a Safeway bathroom before I headed on, had to re-check directions to his house in a McDonalds, and freshened up in the bathroom of a public high school I passed on the way to his house, and then proceeded to proudly strut down the hallways of that school in my all-girls Catholic high school uniform.

Since we are close friends, walking in to his house knowing I'd leave not a virgin was slightly awkward, but not too much. He nervously talked about hockey practice as I took off my shoes as sexily as one can take off her shoes. We made a quick plan in case his parents came home. So we went in his basement, turned on Family Guy, and started making out. He fingered me, gave me a hickey, and we eventually had sex, and he even ate me out. We cracked jokes at each other, laughed and moaned a lot, and had a lot fun. I felt so comfortable with him. He got upset when I continuously called myself ugly.

We decided that we didn't want to tell anyone. I had to be back at school by 5 for tech crew so he downloaded the Lyft app and paid for a ride back. The driver must've thought we looked ridiculous ducking as we ran to the car to avoid the camera his parents set up in front of his house, trying to figure out if he had enough money, where to enter our coupon code, and laughing as we gave each other an awkward kiss goodbye. The driver and I made small talk about my school's XC team.

Let me throw in one more thing to make you laugh out loud one more time at this hilariously awkward story; in those 3 hours, I had my first kiss, first make-out session, first time being fingered and eaten out, first time even touching a penis, and yeah, first time having sex. I've been told before that it's unhealthy to be in a friends-with-benefits relationship, or to be having sex when you haven't been 15 for even a month and he's only been 16 for about 2 months, but I don't care. There's such a taboo over sex and people don't realize that it's the most natural thing ever.

We're actually both young Christian Republicans, who do not care that sex goes against our main ideologies. Have sex or don't have sex whenever you freakin' want; it's you and your partners business only. I love my crazy and awkward first-time story. Last tidbit, don't be surprised if you feel sore for the next few hours, or if you're in your school's theater bathroom an hour later and you're bleeding a bit!

 

If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. Find The V-Card Diaries here on most Wednesdays.

V-Card Diaries: Lexie "He told me how many girls’ virginities he had taken as if that was supposed to make me feel better. It did not."

Writing from: Washington

Age: Early 20s

How I define virginity: To me losing your virginity does not mean it is going to change your life

Growing up I was always told sex was to be something that happened once you were married. Even in sex education, the idea of waiting until you were married was drilled into my head. There was no actual education about sex, no one told me what to do, what happens during sex or how I might feel, once it was all over.

What I did learn was how to fear sex. I was scared of sex because I did not actually know what to expect when it happened. I was scared that if I did end up having sex with a guy he would not like me because I did not know what I was doing. So I kept my distance from guys and never let any of them get too close until one night at a party.

I lost my “virginity” when I was 19 years old. Instead of my first time being with someone I loved and cared about, it was with a complete stranger. We met at a college party; he was visiting my school for the weekend. We instantly clicked, talking to him was not like talking to other guys, it was easy and the conversation just flowed. I ended up leaving the party with him and his friends to go to a different party at the apartment building he was staying at that weekend. I knew leaving the party that I was going to have sex with him, not because he had said anything about it but because something just felt right.

When we got to the party, we quickly decided to leave and go to the place where he was staying and that is when it all went to hell. I was a 19-year-old girl who had never actually kissed a boy before and I was about to let myself have sex; to say I was freaking out is an understatement. He went in for a kiss and I started having a panic attack and started to pace around the room.

I told him I was a virgin and that I had never done anything with a boy before. He then told me how many girls’ virginities he had taken as if that was supposed to make me feel better, it did not, but I still decided to have sex with him. I honestly just wanted to get it over with at that point. It was bad; it hurt much more than I thought it would, like a knife being stabbed into my vagina. I had no idea what I was doing so I just kept apologizing for everything.

The sex finally stopped when someone walked in on us. It was painful and I bled, a lot. It was not what I expected losing my virginity to be like at all. But I was even less prepared for how I would emotionally feel after. It has been over a year and I cannot move on from the guy who took my “virginity.”  

If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. Find The V-Card Diaries here on most Wednesdays.

V-Card Diaries: Sarah "I always thought I'd save my first time for my wedding night. I also always thought I'd get married in my early twenties"

Writing from: Knoxville, TN

Age: Early 20s

How I define virginity: For straight people, a virgin is someone who has never has penetrative penile-vaginal sex.

I always thought I'd save my first time for my wedding night. I also always thought I'd get married in my early twenties. I was engaged once to a guy (with whom I fooled around A LOT and did pretty much everything other than P in the V with) but he couldn't keep up with me and I decided to break up with him.

Now I feel like a totally different person. I'm very career-oriented now, and I consider myself a feminist (I used to think that was a dirty word). I'm only interested in casual relationships because I don't want anyone to slow me down. But now that so much has changed, I'm finding my attitudes toward sex are changing, too.

I'm 23, and I feel like I'm in virginity limbo. I'm dating a nice guy right now who is fairly experienced. I feel comfortable with him, and I like his sweetness and his sense of humor. I think I want to lose my virginity to him, but I'm a little nervous. I think it's time. I don't want to turn 24 still a virgin.

If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. Find The V-Card Diaries here on most Wednesdays.

On the eventual realization that casual sex isn't worth losing a good night's sleep

This perfectly describes why I finally realized I preferred a good night's sleep over another casual encounter with another guy who would likely be as erection-challenged and porn-emulating as the rest. For ladies who like to sleep around, the problems with it are not about morality or any other conservative clucking about family values and women's roles. THIS is why casual sex eventually loses its charms:

From "From Swipe Right On Monogamy" by Charlotte Shane

Why did casual sex suck so much? Because very few straight cis men were as libidinous, skilled, or nice as they needed to be to make the enterprise worthwhile. When arranging my “casual encounters,” I hoped for low level warmth and good naturedness to accompany fun sex, but this modest combination was exceedingly rare. And in 2015, I watched friend after friend suffer the same relentless indignities I’d endured in 2014, before Mr. Pussy Pic [her eventual monogamous boyfriend] entered the scene.

“Being straight is a constant exercise in degradation,” I found myself telling them because it was the most sincere validation I could summon. We’d been told that men were insatiable, that they’d be thrilled by our appetites and eagerness and carefully cultivated hotness, yet we kept bumping up against potheads and sluggards who seemed severally sexually under-motivated in spite of having signed up for a site designed to get them laid. Then there were the erectile problems courtesy of bad diets, prescription or recreational drugs, and performance anxiety.

Those who could get it up, inexcusably, often mimicked porn moves with an alarming degree of sincerity. I daresay even the rare vaginal orgasm-er among us is shocked by the ignorance behind such cartoonish penetrative encounters."

h/t The Lux Letter

V-Card Diaries: Aura "My Indian mother thinks pre-marital sex should be made compulsory"

A little about myself:

I am a 20-year-old Indian girl, currently attending University in the north of England.

How I define virginity:

For me, a person loses his/her virginity when he/she has sex for the first time. What one considers as one's first, proper first time depends on him/her, and only he/she has the right to decide what it means to him/her and when he/she will lose it. I consider the day I had penetrative vaginal sex with a man for the first time as the day I lost mine.

People tend to think of Indians as quite narrow-minded and backward. What they do not understand is that it is a big country and there are many different kinds of people and cultures in it. In some areas, virginity is a huge deal, so much so that people actually use the blood stained sheet used on the wedding night to prove to neighbours the virtues of their wives or daughters. In some areas, nobody really talks about it - because it is very personal, but girls are expected to be virgins until they get married. In most areas, nobody cares, and it is a girl's personal choice - unless of course she is married and cheating on her husband/wife. The region where I am from (Bengal) falls largely into the last category. Nobody talks about your sexuality, since its private, personal and well... just very weird for family members to discuss your sex life over coffee

But my mom is my best friend, and I talk to her about everything. In my teens, I asked her for her opinion on pre-marital sex, and I was quite shocked when she told me she thought it should be made compulsory before a wedding, to make sure two people are sexually compatible! Furthermore, she said that men are like clothes. When you walk into a store, you like a few, try some on, and then look at other factors such as prices, colours, and if you are actually going to be wearing them. Similarly, you like men, date some of them, sleep with some, and then decide based on everything which one of them (if any) is right for you. Of course, she said unlike clothes, you only buy (marry) one at a time, and if you have major problems, you return (divorce) him and pick another one. I am so happy my father was perfect for her and she didn't need to 'return' him.

Here's my story:

Such a happy day it was - to finally get rid of the thing that made all men patronise me and see me as some sort of a prize. I hated the fact that my 'first' man would feel a sick chauvinistic kind of triumph, and I didn't want any man to have that pleasure, that satisfaction of knowing that he had somehow 'taken' my virginity, innocence, and what not. So, when I met a man who was extremely good looking and sexy, and also seemed like a nice, sensible person, I went home with him (to London), had sex with him, took the train back home the next morning, and was finally relieved of that sexist burden. The best part is, he doesn't know my full name, or where I live, and I will probably never see him again. Problem solved–lost virginity, but didn't give any subsequent boyfriend the satisfaction of being my first.

If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here

Nobody puts Baby in a corner...or oppresses her with patriarchal paradigms of female sexuality

We missed this video when it came out but thought it was just too tasty not to share it with you all. The Onion's film critic looks back at Dirty Dancing and along with the usual plot points we get these gems, worthy of any Introduction To Human Sexuality and Gender Studies curriculum:

It smashed not only box office records but also the mistaken assumption that adolescent girls shouldn't wait until some arbitrarily-mandated age to explore themselves sexually.

Sexuality is not some light switch that magically turns on when kids reach eighteen.

The film is commendable for modeling to girls that as long as they find a partner who's safe and respectful like Johnny, their sexual awakening can begin whenever they are ready.

The fact that these lines are uttered by a dude who looks like someone's dad makes it extra delightful, and just a little bit creepy. Nobody puts Baby in a corner...or oppresses her with patriarchal paradigms of female sexuality.

h/t to Documentary Doctor Fernanda for sending it our way.

Note: Headline corrected because I can't believe we messed up one of the greatest quotes in cinematic history.

V-Card Diaries: Aura "I asked my Indian mother her opinion on pre-marital sex, and she told me she thought it should be made compulsory"

Today we're highlighting Aura from India, currently living in the north of England, whose mother explained the importance of pre-marital sex with the help of a shoe analogy. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.

A little about myself:

I am a 20-year-old Indian girl, currently attending University in north of England.

How I define virginity:

For me, a person loses his/her virginity when he/she has sex for the first time. What one considers as one's first, proper first time depends on him/her, and only he/she has the right to decide what it means to him/her and when he/she will lose it. I consider the day I had penetrative vaginal sex with a man for the first time as the day I lost mine.

People tend to think of Indians as quite narrow-minded and backward. What they do not understand is that it is a big country and there are many different kinds of people and cultures in it. In some areas, virginity is a huge deal, so much so that people actually use the blood stained sheet used on the wedding night to prove to neighbours the virtues of their wives or daughters. In some areas, nobody really talks about it - because it is very personal, but girls are expected to be virgins until they get married. In most areas, nobody cares, and it is a girl's personal choice - unless of course she is married and cheating on her husband/wife. The region where I am from (Bengal) falls largely into the last category. Nobody talks about your sexuality, since its private, personal and well... just very weird for family members to discuss your sex life over coffee

But my mom is my best friend, and I talk to her about everything. In my teens, I asked her for her opinion on pre-marital sex, and I was quite shocked when she told me she thought it should be made compulsory before a wedding, to make sure two people are sexually compatible! Furthermore, she said that men are like clothes. When you walk into a store, you like a few, try some on, and then look at other factors such as prices, colours, and if you are actually going to be wearing them. Similarly, you like men, date some of them, sleep with some, and then decide based on everything which one of them (if any) is right for you. Of course, she said unlike clothes, you only buy (marry) one at a time, and if you have major problems, you return (divorce) him and pick another one. I am so happy my father was perfect for her and she didn't need to 'return' him.

Here's my story:

Such a happy day it was - to finally get rid of the thing that made all men patronise me and see me as some sort of a prize. I hated the fact that my 'first' man would feel a sick chauvinistic kind of triumph, and I didn't want any man to have that pleasure, that satisfaction of knowing that he had somehow 'taken' my virginity, innocence, and what not. So, when I met a man who was extremely good looking and sexy, and also seemed like a nice, sensible person, I went home with him (to London), had sex with him, took the train back home the next morning, and was finally relieved of that sexist burden. The best part is, he doesn't know my full name, or where I live, and I will probably never see him again. Problem solved–lost virginity, but didn't give any subsequent boyfriend the satisfaction of being my first.

V-Card Diaries: SarahD "I felt awkward, and uncouth, and the braces didn't make oral any more graceful"

Today we're highlighting SarahD in Albany, New York, who expected the first time she had sex to be a one night stand, but instead it turned out to be the beginning of a relationship she is still in today. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.

A little about myself:

I'm a 23-year-old female, who currently lives near Albany, but I've lived all over New York State.

How I define virginity:

I don't, to be honest. I would say there are many types of virginity, if I had to say anything definitive at all.

Here's my story:

I was seventeen, and had just started college. I had gone on one date in high school, which fizzled awkwardly into nothing. A guy sat down with me and a mutual friend at dinner, and we started talking. He invited me back to his room to watch a movie, and I said sure. On the way there, we reconfirmed each others names. Once we got to his room, I sat on the floor to watch, and he suggested we sit or lay on the bed instead. That was when I first realized this might be more than friendship developing. Yes, I was genuinely that clueless.

We cuddled on the bed for a while, and his hands started to roam. I didn't protest, and was rather glad he was taking the lead. Once the movie ended, I invited him back to my room, since I was currently without a roommate. I figured that it might be a one night stand, but at that point I didn't care. I just wanted to figure out why the whole sex thing was so great. I went up to my room first, and waited for him. He took way longer than I thought he would, and I had basically given up, and was calling him an idiot in my head when he finally showed. It turns out he had trouble with his razor, and he had to shave for class the next day.

Despite copious research into the subject of sex, I was still dry mouthed with uncertainty any time I stopped to consider my next move. I felt awkward, and uncouth, and the braces sure didn't make oral any more graceful when I attempted it. The actual penetration was anticlimactic and quite uncomfortable. I now believe I have a mild allergy to something in the condoms the school gave out. I'm glad I did it though. I did honestly enjoy myself, and the gentleman involved has since assured me I didn't seem nearly as awkward as I felt. I still think he's being nice about that though.

All in all, it was a good experience. I don't know if I'd do it again, being much more aware of the risks I took, but hey, it turned out all right the first time. Despite my belief that this was probably a one night stand, it wasn't. I think I'd have been fine if it was, but as it turns out, that was the beginning of a relationship I'm still in today. I may even wear a white dress at the wedding.

V-Card Diaries: Alessia "He reminded me of Christian Grey, but the way he kissed alone made my knees weak."

Today we're highlighting Alessia in Long Island, NY whose first-time experience, after a month of texting, was "romantic, sexy, gentle, passionate, and rough all at the same time." If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.A little about myself:

I am a 21-year-old woman living in Long Island, New York and going to grad school in Manhattan.

How I define virginity:

I don't really define it. I think it's completely up to an individual to decide what their virginity is/isn't.

Here's my story:

Over this past summer, when I was 20, I had gone up to my friend's college house to celebrate her roommate's 21st birthday. After spending the day drinking and partying at their house, we hit the most popular, hipster dive bars there and that's where I saw him. He was almost the exact physical definition of my dream guy: a beard, brown hair, green eyes, just so fucking sexy. We couldn't keep our eyes off of each other while he was playing pool and finally he approached me and we got to talking.

All of my friends wanted to head back to the house at that point but he asked if I would wait with him until he finished his game of pool and then we'd go back together. Normally, I'd be a little apprehensive about this but since some of the girls we were with knew him, I said ok. On the way back we did some making out, hung out at the house a little, and then I walked him back to his car and we made out some more and made plans to see each other the following weekend despite the 3 hour difference between us.

That didn't work out, unfortunately, and I left for Italy for 2 weeks the following week. He texted me once while I was there, but since my texting was limited we weren't able to talk a lot.

Eventually, things between us died down and we didn't speak for over a month. I met a different guy and we dated for a little bit but on my 21st birthday he dumped me. Feeling down, I texted the guy from the bar and we started talking again.

We began talking everyday for over a month and a lot of it involved intense sexting and describing in detail what we'd do to each other in person. Well, today, we finally got the chance to see each other in person cause he made the trek down to where I live cause we couldn't take the waiting and frustration any longer.

So, first we got lunch but the sexual tension was so strong that we rushed back to my place and went straight for my room. He reminded me of Christian Grey, by the things he said and the way he looks, but the way he kissed alone made my knees weak. We both stripped down and did some foreplay, (he had the biggest dick I had ever seen in my entire life so I was terrified of how painful it was going to be). When it was finally time to have sex, I told him the truth that that's the only thing I had never done before.

He was super nice, gentle, and understanding about the whole thing. Even though it was painful, it did eventually feel good enough that I had multiple orgasms. Even when I started to bleed a little and got so embarrassed I almost left the room to go wash myself, he kissed me and told me it was perfectly natural and not even slightly embarrassing and continued on.

It was just so romantic, sexy, gentle, passionate, and rough all at the same time and I seriously hope I can have sex with him again.

V-Card Diaries: Chloe "I don't feel pressure to have sex, and I don't know that many people who have had sex."

Today we're highlighting Chloe in New Zealand, who kind of wants to have sex for the first time just for the experience, though she's been told she will regret it. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. A little about myself:

I'm a 17-year-old New Zealander.

How I define virginity:

Having sexual experience involving another's genitalia.

Here's my story:

I'm currently a virgin, and I'm still undecided whether I will wait until I have a bf I like, or if I will just have my first experience with someone I do not romantically like. I've never had a bf so part of me wants to just get it over and done with, do it for the experience. Though I have been told I will regret it/feel guilty/shouldn't waste it...So I don't know who to believe!

I don't feel pressure to have sex, and I don't know that many people who have had sex. I was so surprised to learn the average age was 17!

V-Card Diaries: Jenny "Within twenty minutes he was asking if I'd like to go home with him. I immediately agreed."

Today we're highlighting Jenny in London, who feels that that if you're willing to put your nervousness to rest and let your impulses take over, you'll probably have a lot more fun. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. A little about myself:

I'm Jenny, I'm 20, female, from London.

How I define virginity:

To me virginity isn't as much made up of a particular sexual act or series of acts, it's more about giving yourself physically to another person for the first time. Emotionally too, maybe, but that's a whole different story. As a bisexual woman, I would not consider penetration to be necessary to lose one's virginity, but that's how it went with me.

Here's my story:

So I lost my virginity a little over a month ago, and I felt it was a story worth sharing as I think it may be a little way off the norm.

I'm in my second year of university and I live with three good friends. One day I came home from work late and had forgotten my keys, and they were all headed into town to go to a club. In the spur of the moment I decided to go along though I was very tired. I had a few drinks, danced with my friends, but (as per usual) I was feeling horny as it had been a while since I had even kissed anyone, so I went searching for someone to, erm, fulfil my needs. I was a little drunk and went upstairs where I was introduced to a friend of a friend who was also a little tipsy and looking for someone to kiss. Impulsive as I was that night, I kissed him there and then and within twenty minutes he was asking if I'd like to go home with him. At this point I was so ready for sex I immediately agreed and we left. What followed was fun.

There was no awkwardness , no mishaps, and no pain.We did a little bit of everything, fucked in several positions, I gave my first blowjob and got head for the first time, and had 3 glorious orgasms. Exhausted after 2 hours of antics, he spent the night. We woke in the morning, had sex again, I gave him his bus fare, and he left. I didn't give him my number and we haven't been in touch.

All I can say is that if you're willing to put your nervousness to rest and let your impulses take over, you'll probably have a lot more fun. Also, finding someone who is attentive to your needs just as much as to their own is a big plus. Maybe I should have given him my number after all–now I have to go and find someone else for a repeat performance :/

V-Card Diaries: Gwen "I wasn't raised in a sexually repressive atmosphere. Quite the opposite."

Today we're highlighting Gwen in Sweden whose first sexual partner was an Eminem wannabe she met at a Bartles and James wine cooler party. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.A little about myself:

39-year-old dual American-Swedish citizen living in Sweden. After two unhappy long term relationships (one of which was mostly sexless) I am engaged to the man of my dreams.

How I define virginity:

Having never done anything sexual before, and this includes masturbation. By this definition, I lost my virginity at the age of four, since that's when I started masturbating.

Here's my story:

I've always been a very sexual woman. I was a very horny little girl and began masturbating when I was about four years old. Thankfully, I wasn't raised in a sexually repressive atmosphere. Quite the opposite, really. My mother put me on the pill when I was sixteen, although I had already lost my virginity by then.

When I was fifteen I went on a date with a guy that I met through a friend. He was a white rapper, kind of an Eminem wannabe type. We went to a party where everyone was drinking Bartles and James wine coolers with Sweet Child of Mine playing in the background. Someone handed me a Fuzzy Navel cooler, but I could only drink a few sips of this overly sweet alcopop. I didn't know I was going to have sex for the first time that night, but after making out on a sofa for about an hour, I decided I was ready. I asked him if he had protection and he said yes.

We ventured outside for a little privacy. He laid his jacket on the ground and he proceeded to remove my jeans. The make out session left me nice and lubed up, but it still hurt like hell when he penetrated me. The pain was surprising, and I remember telling him to stop. He stopped thrusting so I could relax a little, and then we continued. After a few minutes it stopped hurting and I started to enjoy it, although I certainly didn't come.

Afterwards, we got dressed and he took me home. That was the only time I ever went out with him and I never saw him again, although I did talk to him once or twice afterwards.

After that, I didn't have sex again for almost a year.

V-Card Diaires: Garrett "I thought of him as my second sexual partner, not as the man I gave my gay virginity to."

Today we're highlighting Garrett from California who realized that casual sex didn't make him feel unclean or ashamed–just stupid. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. A little about myself:

I am a 21-year-old bisexual male from California. I never considered my virginity important. I didn't feel like I had to lose it. Sex didn't and still doesn't make me feel uncomfortable. The first time I slept with a woman she questioned if I was in fact a virgin, since I was calm and seemed to know what I was doing. The same thing happened when I had sex with a man for the first time.

How I define virginity:

I do not define virginity as a single entity that can be lost all at once, but rather in bits and pieces.

Here's my story:

I always felt sexually stunted compared to all my friends growing up. Sex just wasn't a high priority for me. It wasn't until I had my first girl friend at the age of 20 that I began gaining sexual experience. We started things slow for the first four months. First hand on genital interaction, later oral, and then vaginal intercourse. When I realized I loved her I had no problem having vaginal intercourse. However, none of these experiences made me feel like I had lost anything.

It wasn't until about seven months later that I truly felt that I had lost some form of purity. I moved away to go to school and the long distance became too much to handle. We eventually broke up but decided to remain in touch. This might have worked out had we not had meaningless sex the next day. I think the break up sex was meant as a last resort to salvage our relationship but all it did was make me feel awful, ashamed, and dirty. I had hurt myself and hurt someone I cared deeply for. I had damaged an emotional connection with sex.

The first time I had sex with a man was a casual hookup that lead to a short term dating experience until he ignored me completely. We were both on the rebound and got along well, it was easy. The first time we kissed lead to hand jobs, oral, and anal sex all in one night. I never once considered that it was a second chance to lose my virginity. I thought of him as my second sexual partner, not as the man I gave my gay virginity to.

I continued to casually date and have sex with him for about three months until he started sloughing off slowly. Then I started to feel used. I would ask him if he was done with me and he would say that things weren't like that and he respected me. Ultimately I found out that translated to him just wanting to keep me on reserve until he knew what he wanted. I ended it and wished I'd never met him. This experience didn't make me feel unclean or ashamed, but stupid. It made me feel stupid for trusting someone so easily and having sex with them so quickly. I realized that casual sex is not for me.

V-Card Diaries: Billy "At one point she asked if I had to touch myself to come which I replied I f***ing hope not!"

Our latest V-Card Diaries comes from Billy in Australia, who feels like experience has taught him to be a more conscientious and giving lover. Billy saw How To Lose Your Virginity on Australian TV, and the film will have another broadcast in Australia on Studio on Feb. 15, 2014. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. We'd love to run it in this blog. About me:

I'm 24, male and from Australia.

How I define virginity:

Until seeing How To Lose Your Virginity I still thought there was some credibility to the breaking of the hymen. Not as naively as some might and I knew it wasn't black and white but I didn't realize how varied and sometimes nearly non-existent it could be. Apart from that I think it has to be an objective thing, it's not wrong to classify it as penis in vagina sex, for me that was the first time I'd had extensive sexual contact with another person. Different expressions of ones sexual personality shared with others can mean just as much if not more than the standard heterosexual standard so I think the old rules should be forgotten but not replaced with new rules. The discussion/debate will go on.

Here's my story:

I was 16 years old and the girl I first had sex with was 17 (maybe 18). She was a friend of a friend that I'd met just a few weeks before the act. She had just come out of a two year relationship and was looking for a bit of a rebound fling. We hooked up a couple of times and it became evident that she wanted to sleep with me, openly as a bit of a rebound. There was more to it than just right place right time but I wasn't offended to be targeted as a means to her pleasure. When we did actually have sex I was well inebriated and it lasted much longer than either of us expected, at one point she asked if I had to touch myself to come which I replied I fucking hope not! The second time was much quicker. Overall it was funny and stupid, I was inexperienced and through experiences later on I'm glad I've learned to become (I hope) a more conscientious and giving lover. Still lots to learn, no one person is the same after all.

V-Card Diaries: Elle "Someone who cared about my well-being was all I wanted for my first time."

Today we're highlighting Elle on the East Coast of the United States, whose first time taught her about the power of being open, honest, and talking things out. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. About me:

23. Female. East Coast born now living in the Midwest.

How I define virginity: 

When one's sex organ has not been breached or breaches another for the first time for sexual intercourse.

My story:

I met this guy while ice skating. After a few session and seeing him, my best friend and I befriended him and his friend. We hung out as a group quite a bit and he started showing interest in my best friend (we met him at the same time and nobody called dibs). One night while at his place we were all in the same bed watching a movie, with him in the middle, and ended up falling asleep. Half way through the night he was spooning me. Needless to say I didn't get much sleep after that fretting about how my friend would feel the next morning. It was never mentioned the next day or ever after that.

After that night he started showing me interest, and it had been a while since somebody had shown interested in me so I went for it. I started hanging out with him without my friend. I eventually started to stay to watch Generation Kill since we had a mutual love for the show. Those nights we ended up making out and groping one another. He knew I was a virgin. He was fine with waiting but that didn't stop him from telling me how much he wanted me so "badly."

It was about a month and a half of knowing him and a few weeks of random nights over when I told him I wanted to have sex. He was a bit shocked and kept asking if I was sure. He was gentle and kind about it. Making sure I wasn't in too much pain. It wasn't horrible, but it was an uncomfortable feeling.

Directly after the experience happened and still to this day, nearly two years later I don't regret it. I had thought about waiting till marriage since a I was child, because that is what I though people did. Then in my late teens it changed to waiting for the right person. I never thought I would lose my virginity to a guy I only knew for about two months, but there was a connection. Who is to say if he was or wasn't the "right person." I am just thankful for the way he treated me during sex and cared about my well-being. I believe that is all I wanted for my first time.

I view myself as somebody who is a bit awkward and unknowing in what to do in the situation of mutual attraction. The experience I had with this guy taught me a lot about myself and what I want out of a relationship, and that there is power in being open, honest and talking things out. I got comfortable being able to talk about my feelings and subjects that are tough to talk about.

Shonda Rimes knows what women want (to watch)

. Shonda Rhimes on NPR, via Women & Hollywood:

“A bunch of older guys told me that nobody was going to watch a show about a woman who had casual sex and threw a guy out the night before her first day of work—that that was completely unrealistic and that nobody wanted to know that woman...I remember sitting in that meeting and thinking, ‘Wow they don’t know anything about what’s going on in the world right now.’ ”

V-Card Diaries: AM "I've begun to think nothing of sex, it's about pleasure, not intimacy. Sleeping with someone I actually care about is terrifying"

Today we're highlighting AM from Ann Arbor, MI, whose first time was about lust and quite nice. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.

About me: I'm a 20-year-old female (will be 21 in about two weeks). I'm currently living in Ann Arbor, MI but am originally from Colorado and have lived in a lot of different countries over the years.

How I define virginity:

Sex including penetration.

My story:

Well, I lost my v-card to someone I ended up caring about, but at the time it was definitely about lust/desire. We were 17, on the brink of 18, and on a week long river trip without our parents, sleeping by the river under the stars and that's where it happened. We had talked about it before and it was really quite nice, looking back on it.

Since then, I have had a few one night stands, all of which I have regretted within a week of when they occurred. I have also been raped by a friend. It wasn't violent and it took me several months to realize that it was rape, unwanted sexual contact. Which made me quite confused about this whole sex thing. I've dealt with it on some level, but I've always wanted to go to a rape survivor group because I feel it would be empowering. I so often feel like a victim and that other people see me like that when I mention it. It would be nice to reminded that I am survivor.

The boyfriend I lost my v-card to was really the last person that I slept with and shared some kind of emotional intimacy. That is because of a number or reasons, primarily because my life has moved around so much that it's been difficult to be in a relationship. But it's also because I've begun to think nothing of sex, it's about pleasure, not about intimacy. And I feel like a whore for thinking like that, for thinking like a man. I get angry about that sometimes, the judgement that comes with my attitude towards sex, but I also enjoy having complete control of my sex life/partners/decisions. Owning my sexuality is satisfying. But it's also demeaning, belittling to some point. Because of the fear of judgement from others.

On the other hand, the idea of sleeping with someone I actually care about is terrifying. That kind of emotional intimacy feels as if someone would be invading my personal space, knowing me too deeply, seeing parts of myself that I don't necessarily want them to know, to memorize and be familiar with (both physically and mentally). I've been single for a while, and I always say that it's because of how much I move around (I have not stayed in a place for longer than 6 months in 5 years) but the reality is that I'm not ready/open to that kind of intimacy. It scares me silly. But casual sex, ain't no thang. Odd, huh?

Some highlights from the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior

Researchers at Indiana University have just released the very large and very comprehensive National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior (NSSHB). With responses from 5,865 people ages 14 to 94, the survey asked about frequency of sex, types of partners, paying for sex and even how much pleasure or pain they got from sexual activity. The always-interesting Cory Silverberg at About:Sexuality spent the weekend with the report (bless his heart) is doing several posts on this gigantic study, the first of which includes some of the highlights (and the entire thread is here.) His posts explore both the good and questionable data, and he makes the point that some of this information has been known to health educators for a while now, but not to the general public.

Unfortunately, he hasn't done anything on age of first sexual experience or the number of non-sexually-active respondents, but that may come in later posts or papers. You can click here for a chart on different sexual activities by age. If you want to do your own research, you can download the first nine papers here.

Here are some of Cory's and our highlights:

Not all teenagers are the same. By collecting data from adolescents age 14 and up, the survey foregrounds the transition moment between the ages of 16-17 and 18-19, where teenagers show a huge leap in both kind and frequency of sexual activities. To offer one example, twice as many women between 18-19 report having had oral sex, vaginal intercourse, and anal sex as women who are 16-17. The data also let us see that condom rates also drop during this transition, in some groups by as much as 50% between the ages of 14-17 and 18-24.

53% of participants were with a romantic partner, 24% had a casual sex partner, and 9% had sex with a "new acquaintance"

Across age groups 6% of men and 30% of women reported some pain at their last sexual encounter. These percentages are striking both in terms of the sheer number of people they represent who are experiencing pain during sex, and the significant (but not surprising) gender discrepancy.

Overall 91% of men and 64% of women report having an orgasm at last sexual encounter. At the same time, 85% of men and 92% of women believed their partner had an orgasm the last time they had sex. These data can't be directly compared given the small group of people who have same sex partners, but the discrepancy, particular among men, is notable. Clearly more men think their partners are having orgasms than they are.

Read more at About:Sexuality.

Why casual sex won't actually make you crazy, but Laura Sessions Stepp might

Sex.Really. does at least one thing right: They have Lena Chen blogging for them. You may remember Lena from some notorious goings-on at Harvard University that pitted her (and her blog Sex & The Ivy) against True Love Revolution, the on-campus abstinence group.

Her Sex. Really. post, entitled "Oxytocin: The Pseudoscience of the Hook-Up Hormone," is strong blast against ongoing contentions that casual sex reliably leads to heartache, loneliness and even mental illness due to all that crazy oxytocin coursing through our girly après-sex bodies. Citing recent evidence to the very contrary, she writes:

"As a now-monogamous former sex blogger, I'm living proof that hooking up doesn't make you crazy or unable to commit. But if mainstream media reports of the past few years are to be believed, I'm the exception, not the rule. Recently, however, researchers at the University of Minnesota conducted one of the first large-scale studies on the effects of hooking up and found the following:

"Although there has been speculation in public discourse that sexual encounters outside a committed romantic relationship may be emotionally damaging for young people, this study found no differences in the psychological well-being of young adults who had a casual sexual partner verses a more committed partner."

We recently caught up with Lena at the Harvard Abstinence Conference and we're excited to share a bit of our interview with her on this blog next week. But for now, here's how she describes one of the chief proponents of the oxytocin-is-dangerous theory in her post:

Media coverage of the supposed "hook-up culture" often echoes misconceptions first promoted by abstinence advocate Dr. Eric Keroack, the Bush-appointed former deputy assistant secretary for the Office of Population Affairs at the Department of Health and Human Services. During his tenure, Keroack made the case for abstinence-only sex education by claiming that premarital sex damages one's ability to form attachments down the line.

The layman's version: oxytocin, the so-called "bonding hormone" which is produced during intercourse, will be less effective at bonding us to our future mates if we overindulge in the chemical cocktail by bed-hopping through our youth.

Aside from Lena's updates on these discredited oxytocin theories, I find it totally delicious that she directly challenges Laura Sessions Stepp's work on oxytocin and the perils of casual sex (Unhooked) – who we recently learned is closely involved with Sex.Really, the host of the post. I would say it's totally cool they ran with it, except the editors seemed to feel the need to include a note from Laura Sessions Stepp saying "I have never heard of Keroack nor read anything he wrote"

Really, Laura? Because Bush's appointment of Dr. Keroak was major, major headline news. Keroak, an anti-contraception and anti-choice crusader, and abstinence-till-marriage advocate, was actually appointed the head of the office charged with providing women with contraceptives and pregnancy prevention counseling. How did a self-described feminist like Laura Sessions Stepp miss that?

Cory Silverberg, writing at about.com:sexuality, came up with a wonderful definition of casual sex, which inovlves no craziness whatsoever:

"When sex is casual, I think the word is used to mean that the sex is detached from those traditional sexual and gender scripts. This is, I would suggest, precisely what is so threatening about casual sex. Casual sex isn't sex by the rules."

Read his entire thought-provoking post here