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V-Card Diaries: Lucy "Even though I've been masturbating since my early teens, I've never actually orgasmed. Am I missing much?"

Writing from: The USA

Age: Late teens

How I define Virginity: Never engaging in physically intimate and consensual contact with a trusted individual(s)

My definition of virginity has changed so much recently. I used to think a person could do everything but PiV and still consider themselves virgins, but that's kind of changing.

I'm 19, 86%-hetero-female, and I've been with my (first) boyfriend for almost 2 months. I never dated in High School and honestly didn't expect to find someone even here at college. Although I consider myself an outgoing person and I've reached bro-status with many of my guy friends, I've always been awkward around/about boys I like.

My boyfriend was my first kiss and he is a really great guy. He's had a little more relationship experience than me, but we're both still "virgins" (in the widely accepted penis-in-vagina sense of the word). Recently we've done more hands stuff and its been great. We're both inexperienced, but learning together. I've gotten him off a few times now; however, he's "failed" to do the same. Even though I've been masturbating since my early teens, I've never actually orgasmed. Am I missing much? Am I abnormal for not "getting there?" I don't really care if I don't get there, but should I?

Note from Trixie: One of the main reasons people have any kind of sex is because it gives them pleasure–and orgasm is certainly high on the list of pleasurable sensations. So, yes, you might be missing much if you've never orgasmed! If you're near a lady-friendly sex shop like Good Vibrations, Babeland or Early To Bed, we'd suggest you drop by and talk to them about a toy or technique that might help, either for you to try alone or with your boyfriend. I realize that may be mortifyingly embarrassing, but they are orgasm professionals and would love to help : ) There are also lots of websites that can help, like Betty Dodson, the queen of masturbation. Good luck!

If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. Find The V-Card Diaries here on most Wednesdays.

V-Card Diaries: Christine "My social anxiety kept me from forming intimate sexual relationships."

Today we're highlighting Christine in Wisconsin, who feels she'll be single for a long while and hopes to experience a fulfilling sexuality even without a partner. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. A little about myself:

I'm a 29-year-old female living in Wisconsin. I'm a librarian.

How I define virginity:

I don't like the word "virginity" or all that it entails. I think it's an outmoded term. I like what Betty Dodson has to say on the matter, that if you've experienced orgasm or any kind of sex (including masturbation), you are not a virgin. By this standard, I have not been a virgin for quite some time. I unfortunately also operate under more conventional definitions of virginity, which is not having experienced male-female vaginal penetration. I have not done that. And moreover, I consider myself a virgin because there are so many levels of sexual and romantic contact that I have not experienced.

Here's my story: 

I grew up in a home where my parents required all my emotional resources and there wasn’t much space for me to seek relationships outside the family. I developed social anxiety over the years and got used to not spending much time with peers. I’m finally free of this dynamic and it is taking time and considerable effort to redirect my energies to creating fulfilling relationships.

I am a very sexual person who enjoys masturbating frequently and sometimes uses books, porn, and toys. For about two years, I had extremely strong sexual desire that led me to engaging in online sex (chatting, phone sex, exchanging photos) several times a day. I will probably be single for a long while and my hope is to experience my sexuality as fulfilling and real even without a partner.

I’ve been on a total of four dates, none leading to a second date or a relationship. At the end of one date, I held hands with him and we kissed and it was very nice. That is the extent of my in-person sexual contact with a man.

I know that I want to eventually get married and have children and that all of this requires sex and intimacy. I believe that I am capable of it but I just need to keep building my life and working towards these relationships. I feel deep shame about my lack of experience, but I also understand the reasons why and I am working to create a more engaged relational life.

V-Card Diaries: Sodi "I've only been sexually active with girls, but with all of them I was the boy."

Today we're highlighting Sodi in Melbourne, Australia. Although she's been sexually active since she was 13, her current girlfriend was the first one to touch her. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. A little about myself:

I am a full out 24-year-old lesbian. I am from Mexico but I live  in Melbourne, Australia since 3 years ago. I have a girlfriend who I've been with for the past 2 years and 5 months, and she is the one I lost my V with.

How I define virginity:

My V, I suppose I define it as that special thing that I only gave to my special girl. It is not something physical(hymen). I think it is more emotional because I am a lesbian, so I think we don't lose out V in the same way a straight girl does.

Here's my story:

I've been with my girl for 2 and a half years and when we started dating she knew she wasn't the first one. I have been sexually active since I was 13, only with girls! But with all of them I was the boy, because all of them were straight girls so I used to fuck them and I used a strap on, so none of them ever touched me.

I wasn't interested in that because I felt weird if any of them tried to do it. I wasn't comfortable with my body at that point (I guess), but then I met this amazing girl which is nothing like my ex's, and she's a lesbian as well. It was the second time we were together and she was going on holiday the next day, so we were in her college room having fun, I was doing my thing, you know (making her see stars), what I normally do and I love it.

I can say I had an orgasm while eating her out, but when she finished I was like "OK, let's go to bed", and she was like "No, no, it is my turn" and I freaked out and I told her that no one has ever done that to me! She was surprised and told me to relax. " I am not going to hurt you," those where her words. So I lay down and she literally did everything to me, I was just following the orders she gave me. I never felt like that before. Not even 10 min after we finished, we realized she needed to get to the airport, so I tried to stand up and I couldn't. She laughed a bit and told me "That's how I feel all the time, now you know how real sex is, my love". She kissed me and helped me get dressed. It is something that I will never forget!

So special. I love her!

V-Card Diaires: Alana "Is it in? I can't tell," I said. "Nope," he replied.

Today we're highlighting Alana in the US, who once bought a dilator vibrator to help with intercourse but broke it the first time she used it. Is that a sign? If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here.A little about myself:

I'm a nineteen year old student studying engineering. I identify as cis-female and bisexual.

How I define virginity?

I guess I define sex as an activity that arouses everyone involved. The more I've tried to define it, the more vague my definition got. The penis-in-vagina definition definitely does not fit with my experience as all of my pleasant sexual experiences with both men and women did not involve penetration.

Here's my story:

I had my first sexual experience last year when I had my first kiss with my first boyfriend. Over the course of the year I've tried heavy petting, manual sex, and oral sex, and mutual masturbation all of which felt like sex, and I don't count any one of those moments as the single moment I lost my virginity. What surprised me about all of my experiences was how comfortable I felt. It helped that I had had explicit conversations about boundaries and expectations with my partners beforehand.

What I definitely do not define as losing my virginity was when I tried to have penis-in-vagina intercourse. The first time I tried, I was fooling around with my boyfriend when I told him I wanted to have sex with him. He put on a condom and covered it with lube, and I got on top of him. I soon found that I couldn't even get his penis inside of me.

"Is it in? I can't tell," I said. "Nope," he replied. The we spent an awkward lengthy amount of time trying to get it in to no avail. It was disappointing and really killed the mood. The next time we tried, it started out similarly with awkward hole finding, shoving, and getting lube everywhere. Eventually I got it in, and I knew immediately that it was in because I felt searing pain, yelled and took it out.

I thought the third time would be the charm. It wasn't. It went exactly the same as the second time. I haven't tried have intercourse since then because it hurt so badly. I bought I dilator vibrator because I thought it would help me be able to have intercourse with my boyfriend. It ended up breaking during my first use.