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virgin whore dichotomy

A holiday gift to you: EVE & MARY, an animated clip from How To Lose Your Virginity

Happy holidays, everyone!

In the spirit of the season, here's a newly-released animated clip from How To Lose Your Virginity about Eve, Mary and our favorite dichotomy, the Virgin and Whore.

The brilliant animation is by Luke Murphy, and the clip includes a voice-over by director Therese Shechter, and an interview with Sady Doyle. Click on the CC at the bottom-right of the video if you need captions.

You can watch or buy the entire film here

V-Card Diaries: Violet "I know that I will probably be a virgin forever. I've never even kissed a guy."

Today we're highlighting Violet who internalized a lot of shame about female sexuality, and it's made her feel she'll never have a relationship with a man. If you want to tell your story, go to our submission form. You can find all our V-Card Diaries here. A little about myself:

I'm a 30-year-old virgin who lives in Oklahoma.

How I define virginity:

Participating in a consensual sexual act with another person.

Here's my story:

I always knew as a child that I would have a difficult time ever finding a boyfriend. I would look in the mirror and try to convince myself that I was decent looking, but no boys paid attention to me unless to insult me by calling me masculine or ugly. In my teens, I exaggerated my flaws (& still do) to the point where I couldn't even imagine someone getting close to me. Today, as I age, and become even more aware of my worthlessness in mens' eyes, I know that I will probably be a virgin forever. I've never even kissed a guy. Once, a guy tried kissing me, but I couldn't relax, so I walked away.

A lot of my issues have to do with the shame my mother taught me about female sexuality. Virgins were worth something while non-virgins were whores. This rhetoric was repeated by other family members too. I heard this all from a young age, probably starting at 5 or 6. For me, I thought I wouldn't have any worth to a man if I lost my virginity because I had nothing else to offer.

Another problem I have is that I can't filter out the negative comments I hear men say about women in general and about their former gfs/wives. How can they date someone and say they were in love, but say such mean statements about the woman's appearance and even insult her sexuality and genitals? I think I've heard too much now to ever really trust a man at all.

At 30, no one wants to have patience with an inexperienced person. Even if I could overcome the issues regarding the shame I was taught and work on improving my self-image, it's still unlikely that I could find a good man. I don't sit at home crying about it, but there is a deep frustration that I will probably never be able to love another person. I'm damaged goods.

Editor note: Many women and men feel the way Violet does, and we want to recommend spending a bit of time at You're Not Alone, a really wonderful community of adults who haven't been able to form intimate relationships. They offer support and advice on changing that situation.